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Help with addiction
Hi, I don't normally post here, but I'm hoping someone can help me, or point me to another board.
My little brother is a hopeless drug addict. He has been in rehab 9 times and in jail 6 times for various drug-related charges, primarily stealing. He has stolen thousands of dollars from my parents, from my dad's coin collection to the brand new tv they bought a couple weeks ago.
Each time he gets out of jail or rehab, my parents believe he has "changed" and they let him live with them again, and the cycle begins anew. This latest time he was sober for 9 months (jail) and relapsed within 2 days of getting out.
Anyway, I feel like my parents are enabling him so much, that they might as well put the drugs in front of him. I have tried to reason with them, cried, yelled, and I cannot get through to them that he needs a lesson in tough love, and enabling him is just keeping him addicted.
Does anyone have any advice or experience with this? I just feel like I'm at the end of my rope with this - I'm so frustrated with my parents and feel so much anger towards my brother. I've tried looking for meetings for al-anon or other groups, or addiction specialists that can help families, but there doesn't seem to be a lot of info out there. At this point, I'm not interested in help for my brother, but more for my parents.
Thanks for reading. Sorry if this was the wrong place to post this.
Re: Help with addiction
You are right they are enabling him, but that is really out of your control. Have they gone for any counceling themselves? At this point you would guess they have gotten a lot, but it doesn't sound like they have.
al-anon has TONS of advice and suggestions so I dont know where you need to take a better look.
It maybe time for you to walk away. None of this is in your control and healthy for you. You cant help anyone who deosnt want help.....including your parents.
Professional help.
From what you say, it sounds like your parents are enabling your brother...but there's really not anything you can do to keep them from doing so. I would separate myself if I were in your situation, but I know that can be hard too.
(I'm reminded of the show "Intervention," where the intervention expert invariably asks the family members "What would you do to keep your kid alive?" and they always say "Anything"...and then he tells them that what they need to do is to cut the kid off entirely if s/he continues the behavior. It's rare for parents not to have a problem doing that -- goes against everything they know about protecting their kids.)
This is the problem. My mom is a very nurturing, caring, and generous person - she's been a nurse in a mental hospital and volunteers at homeless shelters. It seems like these exact traits are what my little brother is exploiting. He knows she would do anything for her kids so he plays on her sympathies. It makes me angry, but also so sad for my mom. My dad hasn't been in the best health lately, so he just sort of goes along with what my mom decides.
I spoke with her last night and she said she has gone to al-anon meetings, a couple meetings for cocaine addicts (my little brother uses crack), and she and my dad have spoken one on one with an addiction counselor. So apparently none of that has worked or convinced them to stop enabling him. I think most of you might be right...I just need to learn to separate myself from the situation. Counseling for myself is a good idea. Maybe it will help me be able to find some peace with distancing myelf.
So, she went to a couple of meetings and met with a counselor once...and nothing worked or CONVINCED them. Sounds like mom and dad do not want help and my bet would be that they disregarded all the suggestions they recieved.
Those programs have been around for many many years....not because they dont work.
Your parents are the same as your brother in many ways.....they wont listen until something really drastic happens or its too late. Again, you need to remove yourself from it.
Counseling for yourself would be a great thing for you, but make sure you get someone that deals with this.
Good luck
AlAnon for yu STAT. They will teach you how to love an addict.
There is no hope for your parents. This is years of enabling and years of denial. They'll continue denying and continue enabling.
I am sorry for your troubles. No amount of talk from you will break that pattern; they have to be the ones to do it for themselves. GL.
My older brother has battled with drugs for most of his life. I remember the phone call just a few years ago when my Father stated he was so proud that my brother got a checking account. He could now give my brother checks vs. just cash when he needed it. It took all my self control to not scream in the phone. My college fund paid for the first round of his rehab. Lord knows how the 2, 3rd+ times were financed. My brother has been in jail, arrested in public and been at rock bottom. I've seen it all and it wasn't till recently that my parents have finally cut the apron strings.
I sat my parents down and stated I would remove them from my life until they could see the light and the truth of what my brother was doing. There were tears and angry voices but I could no longer handle the craziness that was taking over my family. My parents called a month later and said I was right. It wasn't until my brother called and left me a screaming, angry voicemail because my parents wouldn't give him money, to realize that they were actually sticking to their guns.
As far as the anger towards your brother, I've also experienced this. Do not feel guilty. Drug addicts are the biggest manipulators and they know how to prey on their loved ones. It sounds like your brother is exploiting this. Know that you cannot do anything to change this person until THEY are ready. Once they are truly ready to change their life, be there and support them but until this point, you are going to waste your energy. Your brother has got to remove himself from his current environment and that takes a very strong person to do so, he's too weak when he's on drugs.
Its not going to be easy but if you aren't strong, it sounds like no one else will be in your family.
I absolutely know what you are going through. My older brother was a serious drug addict for about 10 years, and the 10 before that he was always drinking and losing jobs...when he turned to hard drugs, he was about 28 and I was 20. I watched him get evicted from several apartments, have cars repossessed, be in and out of jail, go through withdrawals, steal from our mother, our uncle, me....him and his girlfriend were just terrible, terrible people. Yet our mother CONSTANTLY took him back in, gave him money, helped him pay lawyer bills, helped bail him out of jail...it ws 10 years of pure hell. The final straw for me was when our mother got notice that she was going to lose our house (which is not shocking, considering the thousands of dollars she spent enabling him), and he went missing for a few days...my mom seriously aged and went through major depression and drank a lot through all of this with him), and when he finally came back he stole more jewelry of hers to pawn. I literally pushed him down and punched him and screamed at him, telling him what a loser he was...then I told my mom it was either me or him. She had to make a choice-I couldn't live in that situation anymore, it was just poison. I couldnt even be around either of them, they just disgusted me so much. So the next day, when he was still at her house, I packed my bags and left for a couple days...I came home when she called to tell me she had dropped him off at the train-she gave him 20 bucks and said either he went to rehab or she was never going to see him again. Shockingly, he went to a detox facility and then to a rehab for 6 weeks....then we sent him to California to live with his dad, because there was just too much temptation where we live. That was almost 2 years ago, and thankfully, he is still clean! He has only been home twice in that time, and at my wedding this summer he was the most helpful one there, and gave a beautiful speech, and everyone said what a great brother I had. I have NEVER heard that before in my life.
Anyway, my advice to you it to remove yourself from your parents and brother's lives-tell them that you will not and cannot be a part of it anymore, and that they are clearly making their choice about which child they choose to support. I know it sounds harsh, and impossible to do, but clearly the 9 rehabs he's been to hasn't. Watching the show Intervention actually helped me a lot-even if its something your brother wants to quit, he won't until he absolutely has nothing left in the world. He needs to know that no one will support him, and no one will be there for him until he is clean. It sounds like you are really struggling with all of this, and that shows how much you love him, and how much you are willing to do for him. You are going to have to be the one that is the bad guy in this situation, it sounds like. Unfortunately, people who haven't been through this don't understand what it's like-his brain won't let him stop-it's got complete control over him.
I hope and pray you get through this okay-and I hope your family does too. Nothing tears a family apart like drugs and lies.
Thank you for the responses, and thank you for those that shared real-life experiences - it makes me feel better that others have been in my place and come out the other side. I sometimes feel so alone with this..my husband cannot comprehend why my parents are behaving like this, and each time I talk to my parents it's like I've gone to planet crazy where no one has any common sense ("He accidentally broke a window at his friend's house, so we gave him some money to get it fixed."...Really?? Do you REALLY think that's what the money is going for?).
It's so hard to cut myself off b/c I love my parents very much, they're getting on in years, and I worry for their safety with an active drug addict coming and going from their home. I also very much want my LO to know her grandparents...it breaks my heart to think of her not being able to go to their home or have a close relationship with them. Ugh. It just sucks.
I agree with all the PP that your parents are enabling him. Coming from a family with abuse issues (of all ages) I've heard it like this before and it is twisted logic, but logic, "I would much rather have him sleeping in the room down the hall instead of some alley or in a hospital".
With your parents, just like your brother, there is no talking them in or out of anything. In this situation I think you need to take care of you--go to a few Al-Anon meetings and try to get a full grasp of the situation. With being a family member of an addict there's a lot of trust issues- quite frankly, I'm still getting over mine- and you need to make sure you sort out your business and your feelings.
It's hard to watch but sometimes that's all you can do.
I'm curious how old is he? 15? 23? 35?
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He's 25, I'm 34. He's been using cocaine since he was 17-18, but the crack didn't start until 3 years ago or so, and that's when things really escalated (stealing, inability to stay clean for even a short time, drug induced psychosis, etc.).