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Question for those with kids re: marriage
There have been several women on GP moms lately who've mentioned problems in their marriages since having kids. Most of it is their husbands say they've "changed" or aren't the women they married.
I assume that to some degree, yes, you do change when you have a child. You can't add a little person to your family and have everything remain exactly the same. Did these men not fully realize that things would change once a baby was in the picture? Or are the women maybe too focused on the baby and don't take any time for the marriage? I have obviously not been in this position yet so I can't say what people should and shouldn't do.
So I guess my question is, what do you think are the most important things to do to protect your marriage once you have kids?
Re: Question for those with kids re: marriage
Things change A LOT once you have kids. The thing is there really is no way to know how and what is going to change until your actually living it. It can bring out the worst in some marriages. It really can. many of my friend that have had kids go through a "rough patch" for the first 6 months or so after the baby comes. I didnt happen with us, but it is very common!
I think the most important thing to start with is to have in depth conversations of what your expectations are of each other once you have the baby. Many fights steam from one parent feeling like "they do everything" and feeling like the other isnt pulling their weight in the parent department- so I feel like if you have ground rules already laid out you can aviod a lot of that.
Another issue I think is that some women dont know how to be a mom and still be sexual. I've heard that alot. So I think that can be an issue too..plus your body changes so much that sometimes your not as comfortable with yourself and your body after baby.
You have to remeber to still take time for yourself and your marriage. We have date night 2x a month- keep it spicy in the bed- and dont forget that your still YOU after becoming a mom.
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TTC Journey Over~ Not By Choice
I don't know first hand but I do hear from my friends OFTEN that their Men get jealous. They feel like they are not number one anymore. It sounds childish but I could see them feeling left out-and feeling like it's not just "you and me against the world" kind of thing. Shoot, my husband got jealous of the DOG for a while because I was constantly focused on him. I remember once him telling me, "you don't love on ME like that" when I was baby talking the dog! I looked at him and said "really?!?" He got that he was being crazy and I have made an effort to include him more.
I have also heard from both sides, that women do not feel "sexual" after and that men see them as different when they are the "mother of their child".
I can only imagine it would be a challenge with children. We cannot have kids and that is ok with us but I can imagine it would be a challenge. A great challenge to have though, I am sure!
I agree with EVERYTHING Mrs LisaP said. So many people have a hard time the first 6 months to a year of having kids. Especially with one parent feeling like they do everything and feeling like the other parent doesn't help as much. I know a big part of my problem was that I wouldn't ask for help. I am one of those "I can do it myself because I know just how to do it" kind of people and then I would resent my husband for not offering, but really I probably told him no so many times that he figured it best to leave me to it.
Also on my husbands end, he was at work all day and was very tired as well. I had to remember that he needed his sleep too since he was gone all day. It is not fair for me to expect him to get up every time the baby gets up at night because he still has to function at work. We came up with a plan that works for us in that matter so we wouldnt fight over who gets up more, etc. That is a big thing to work on. Especially in the first few months. And if you are both working outside the home, make sure you make a plan on that in the beginning. I find the more tired you both are, the more you will argue.
Date night is so very important. Don't be afraid to ask someone to watch the baby so you can go out. Even if it is just a quick dinner if you aren't comfortable leaving the baby to long. It is VERY important for the two of you to spend time OUTSIDE the house with out the baby. Just because it will be the most important thing to you now, doesn't mean either of you can forget where he came from and the love you two share. A lot of times Dads will get jealous because the baby will have all of your attention and he gets none. Don't let him fall to the wayside..
Here are my tips:
1- Like Lisa mentioned, sit down with your DH and fully discuss expectations for after the baby is born.
2- After the dust has settled and you get the okay to resume sex after baby, do it. Even if you would rather eat shards of glass than have sex, just do it. Sounds bad, but I had absolutely no interest in sex after baby, but I would force myself to do it anyways. It's amazing how happy a quickie will make a man! haha And how helpful they amazingly become afterwards!
And the good news is, eventually interest in sex returns. But in the meanwhile, don't ignore that aspect of your marriage.
3- Try not to lose who you are/were. Obviously things change when you become a mom, but make sure you never lose "you". Take time for yourself. Set aside some time to do something for yourself/by yourself. It's amazing what a little "me" time can do! You will be a better mom and wife because of it.
4- And also like Lisa said, plan date nights for just you and your DH. And try not to only talk about the baby on these date nights. (Although we fail miserably at that one). We try and do a date night at least twice a month. I love spending that one on one time with my hubby.
My son is almost a year and we are going to start trying for another in the next couple months. I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried about how adding a newborn to the mix will affect our family dynamic. But I know we have a strong marriage will make it work.
Good luck! I am so excited for you!!!
Things do change but you have to make the best of it.
You won't have as much "alone" time. DD has a cuddling radar I swear, in the morning when DH comes over to cuddle she wakes up ( not all the time but you know what I mean).
You have to MAKE TIME for sexy time. You have to, it's an integral part of the marriage. Especially for the guy, We usually average 3-4x a week, if it were less than 2 I think it would be really hard for DH to show ME love because that is part of how HE feels loved.
Take time to hang out together, get someone to watch the baby every once in a while.
Remember why you fell in love,
And let them be their own parent, I know for me this is hard because I SAH with Lucy. So I do things a certain way. But DH has to know that he is a great dad without my help. It's hard to let go of control but it is better for the relationship.
I agree with what everyone said but just wanted to add my two cents. I think the first few months of parenthood is incredibly stressful. You are getting relatively little sleep, demands are made on you that are more than you think you are capable of and you feel so pulled in a thousand directions. It is so hard to think straight much less carry on normal conversations.
My husband is (and always has been) really hands on with our son. I am so lucky! BUT... just being parents is stressful and because we did it in our mid thirties, we were pretty set in our ways.
You really just have to be patient and try to be as loving and kind as possible, even when you don't want to be. And like other said, date night is so important but also is doing things you enjoy without DH.