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Etiquette question
Hi everyone,
I thought about posting this question on my home board (Money Matters), or asking my sister, but I wanted to get a broader sampling of responses...
I'm volunteering with the No on Prop 8 (prop 8 would ban same sex marriage) campaign here in California. ?The person heading up the phone banks was introduced to me as Al and is biologically a woman, but had a short hair cut and was wearing androgynous clothes. ?Fine. ?I did wonder if Al was transgendered, but I didn't think that would be an appropriate conversation to have. ?So instead I referred to Al ?with another person as "she" and he corrected me - "Al's a 'he' ". ?I tried to think back if I used the term "she" in front of Al, but didn't think I did.
So I'm wondering, is there any way around making this faux pas? ?Should I have said upon meeting Al, "do you use the pronoun he or she?" ?or "Do you identify as a man or woman?"
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Thanks. ?I'll be working closely with a lot of gay/lesbian folks until the election and I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.?
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Re: Etiquette question
Assuming that you know that "she" is not the correct pronoun for a transgender man -- these things happen. I think what matters is how you respond after. If I was in your shoes, I would have said "Oh, how embarassing - 'He said bla bla bla'" And then of course always use "he" from there on out.
If you chose to use "she" because you think that Al is female whether or not he is transitioning - that would be wrong. There is a difference between an honest mistake of identity and deciding "I'm calling this person a woman because that is how they were born!" (insinuating that you are rejecting their chosen gender), you know what I mean? If it was an honest mistake, it was an honest mistake.
I definitely don't think it's appropriate to ask someone upon meeting them what pronoun they use or if they identify as male or female. If I was in a situation where I was unsure and wanted to avoid a pronoun gaffe, I might try to discretly ask another friend if they know how the person identifies.
Just the fact that you are there working on this cause shows that your heart is in the right place, and I think as long as you demonstrate acceptance towards Al, he will understand that if you had used "she" around him in the past, it was a mistake.
In our community, where genders come in many different variations, mistakes can happen, but I really think as long as we respond with grace and acceptance, people are understanding. Hope that helps.
sahm ~ toddler breastfeeder ~ cloth diaperer ~ baby wearer
as usual, Mrs F explained it beautifully and i would ditto it all.
I also wanted to say that you shouldn't beat yourself up about it - genders/chosen genders can be unclear and I've found myself in situations where I was unsure also. My policy is to avoid pronouns until certain.
Blogs: Our Growing Family - CT Working Moms
i agree with everyone else. i don't think it's a big deal, and now you're aware of it and will make an effort not to do it again. it's probably happened to all of us here.
i also wanted to say thanks for volunteering to help defeat the proposition. we appreciate it! that means a lot more than a misspoken pronoun.
Oh it's a no-brainer for me. ?I was in Michigan when they passed something similar... ?
But here in California same-sex couples are able to get legally married - there's no way I'm letting that getting taken away.
Have you seen the ad for Republicans Against 8? ?It's really interesting... ?
http://www.republicansagainst8.com/?
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yeah, i'm in ohio. i cried when issue 1 passed here.
i knew the anti-prop 8 republican ad was out there (i saw a post about it on e08), but i keep forgetting to look it up when i'm home. i'll try to remember to check it out tonight.