Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Family Vacations
How to split the holidays?
I'm the first to get married of my siblings, H is the third. Thanksgiving is his family's biggest holiday so we decided to always go to his parents who have 30+ (extended) family over and do Easter with my family (immediate). (we live 6.5 hours from my family and 1 hour from his but we will be moving who knows where next year for grad school).
We are already alternating Christmas week each year between families. My mom insists that Easter and Thanksgiving are not equal holidays and we should alternate all holidays. Only my 2 sibilings and mom and dad will be at thanksgiving for many years as I don't see them having significant others any time soon and really for all holidays it will only be the immediate family. So since thanksgiving is such a big thing with his family that's what we decided. I see my mom's point since work gives you off two days at thanksgiving but we can take time off around easter easily too. Also I think she's jealous that his family lives closer and does a week long vacation together every year.
Game plan is to say what we're doing and go with it and try to convince my mom to have thanksgiving the weekend before and/or also start a week long vacation.
Are we being unfair/unreasonable? I don't want people to be upset, I know everyone will be a little upset because we can't please everyone but I do not want anyone to be super angry and think we're being totally unfair.
Right now we don't have kids so I could see where it seems a little unfair but only if my family is stubborn about making easter a big thing. Also, once we have kids, easter is a much better holiday for kids that I think MIL will be upset but that'll be easy to deal with since it will have been set already and we may have to revisit our whole plan. Alas, I know it never gets easier but some advice/opinions ASAP would be GREATLY appreciated.
Re: Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Family Vacations
You are free to split the holidays in which ever way is best for your immediate family (you & your DH). It is very considerate of you to make an effort to split actual holiday dates with both families. However, as you are already learning, no one will ever be 100% happy. So, choose what is best for you and go with it.
One thing to consider, Easter is always a Sunday holiday and can make traveling difficult. I noticed that your family is 6.5 hours away and that is who you chose to spend Easter with. My DH's family is 4 hours away. We tried spending Easter with them 1 year. Mandatory church in the morning (it is Easter after all) means that get togethers don't start until about noon or so. Then by the time we were able to socialize, etc. it was a late drive home. I'm not trying to take your mom's side or talk you out of Easter with your family. I am just trying to point this out for consideration. It sounds like you may be willing to take some time off for that holiday which will greatly help.
Good luck with your decisions.
there is no law saying it has to be equal, your mom needs to chill out and quit trying to insist you spend equal time for equally "significant" holidays between each family. We alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas between our families, but when we have kids that will change, we will not want to travel as much and will spend some holidays celebrating in our own home.
do you what you and your husband decide and don't make excuses or apologize. They need to accept you are adults and are your own family now.
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
I agree that you and your DH need to decide what works best for the two of you. This isn't your moms thing to decide what is "fair" or not. And I do see a certain sense of logic in your approach.
however, the # of people doesn't make a holiday important or not. You're saying because your siblings aren't married and it's only immediate family, that somehow the holiday w/ your family isn't as important. I can see why your mom is sad.
What I do actually find pretty selfish of you, though, is that in order to accomodate you, you want your family to move their entire Thanksgiving holiday to another day so that you all can be there. Basically - you want to have your cake and eat it too.
If you want to stick to your plan, that's fine. But you need to do so w/ the understanding that you won't get to see your family for Thanksgiving. That's what you're giving up!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You're being unreasonable in that you want to convince your mom to host/celebrate Thanksgiving a week before Thanksgiving in order to accommodate you.
It's totally fair to say, "This is what H and I are planning to do for the holidays," and to expect your family to respect that. It doesn't mean, though, that you should ask them to reschedule the holidays for you. Splitting the holidays means not seeing everybody for every holiday.
And, I think whatever your plan is, you should preface it with, "This is the plan until there are children. We will reevaluate our plan when kids are involved."
Have you considered alternating Thanksgiving and Christmas? Ex. Thanksgiving with your family, Christmas with his, next year Thanksgiving with his family, Christmas with yours. It would keep it simpler, more equal and less judge-y of how much each person in the families are 'worth.'
You & YH need to decide how it will work best for you. Both families will have their opinions on how you should handle the holidays, but they need to accept that you have 2 families now...& you can't please everyone.
Holiday splitting is hard - but you and your DH just have to decide what is best for you, and then stick with it. It sounds like you are just trying so hard to make everyone happy- but sometimes it just can't be done. And your parents need to just get over it. You are an adult and you are going to do what is best for YOU!
What if you considered hosting a holiday at your place? This is what DH and I decided to do this year.We have been splitting Thanksgiving for almost 10 years (But this is our first year married). So We simply said- "We plan on having Thanksgiving at our place this year. We'd love to see you all, so whoever would like to join us for some food and football just let us know. But this year we will be sticking to one spot so that we can truly enjoy our holiday and time together." And everyone has gotten excited about something "new" happening.
I hope that you all are able to come up with traditions that make you happy!