Holidays
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Mother won't share us for holidays!
I need some advice!
My husband and I have been together for 8 years and each holiday season my mother starts a fight because she thinks that we do not spend enough time with her during the holidays.
Typically, we get a total of 3-4 days to visit my parents (who are still married) and his parents (who are divorced). We do what we can each year to split our time evenly between the three sets of families, but it's never good enough for my mother.
She even suggested that we not visit his family at all for Thanksgiving and only spend time with her. My response to her was "I don't mean to sound rude, but I think that might be a little selfish". She said she didn't agree and didn't care how his family felt about it.
How the heck do I handle this???
Re: Mother won't share us for holidays!
You handle it by not giving in to it. "Sorry that you're upset mom, but this is what works for us". The MOST I would pursue it is w/ a "How would you feel if we didn't see you at all?".
But really - you don't need her permission or her agreeance on the issue. You're doing what you all feel is fair. If she doesn't agree, oh well. That's on her, not you.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
The more I think about it, I do think you should have one more "talk" w/ her on this. "Mom- I understand that you want to see mroe of us. It makes me sad too that we don't have more time. However, I'm w/ DH now and we have both of our families to juggle. We're doing it as fairly as we can. It may not always be 100% equal, but it's fair. I wish you'd focus on the time we DO have together instead of focusing on the time apart. I want to look forward to seeing you, but all your guilt over this makes me enjoy my time w/ you less and less. Is this how you really want our visits to be? I really wish you were more supportive of the fact that I have to work w/ DH's family too and that I miss you too.".
(I.e., throw a little guilt back at her, but in a logical way).
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thanks a bunch for the perspective!
I'll give her a holler this week and hopefully, she'll understand. - thanks again!
Remember, even if she doesn't understand, don't let it change your mind. Perhaps she is used to throwing a hissy fit and getting her own way. Don't let it work. You need to lay down the law. Don't explain, don't give your reasons, just tell her how it is going to be.
This is your holiday too and you have every right to spend it how you please and the both of you are more than just pawns for others to enjoy their holidays.
My mother has never pulled this one on me, but if your mom is a lot like mine, she might not care to consider anyone else but herself. If she still is not willing to understand why you split the holidays the way you do, you have to get to a point where you simply just say; "I understand how you feel mom, but this is the way DH and I have decided to do things." I wouldn't debate it any farther then that with her and keep your holiday plans the same. The worst thing you could do is to give in and try to accommodate her wishes.
On the flip side, every year for Christmas my ILs try to play a guilt trip on us to spend more time. We spend Christmas eve with his family and Christmas day with mine. His family is together for both days, and I mean his entire family. They don't understand splitting holidays with another family at all, and he's the first one to "break" this tradition. They like to pull the "We only see you for the evening, and her family gets to see you for most of the day." Well, our rebuttal to that is; "You have all of Christmas Eve day with us, but plans are always for the evening." (Btw, most of his family has off of work the entire day of Christmas Eve, so it is possible for us to spend the day with them, if plans were for that)
Good luck! I hope your mom is willing to listen because I completely understand trying to reason with someone that doesn't want to hear the logical explanation.
Wow, is all I can say to that behavior by a grown woman. I realize everyone wants to spend time with their children/grandchildren, but fair is fair.
I'd go w/ everything ECB said. Lay down the law with her; this is your choice and not hers or anyone else's.
We're lucky that my parents and H's siblings are all within 10 minutes of each other (except for one BIL on the west coast).
However I think my ILs get peeved because we have Thanksgiving dinner with my family every year and that's H's choice. He loves his family, but prefers to have drama-free and smoke-free dinners with mine instead. I suggest we at least have dessert/drinks with his family but I can't force him. All I ask is that he makes sure his siblings know (MIL & FIL are deceased) that I don't "force" him to have it with my family all the time. And he is good about putting them in their place if they do try to blame me. However most of the time they know it's him and not me, LOL - they know each other like the backs of their hands!
First of all, she does not have the power to "not share you" for the holidays. And I think it is hilarious that you prefaced your opinion to her by saying "I don't mean to be rude but..." Why are you apologizing to someone being rude?
I would tell her that you agree to spend ALL of Thanksgiving with her and will then be spending ALL of Christmas with DH's family.
Hmmmm........maybe you should tell your Mom that you and your husband like the idea of not having to run around because it's so hard on both of you. Tell her you'd love to spend more time with her so this year you've decided she's right and that you guys won't be spending Thanksgiving with his family at all so you can spend all your time with her. I'm sure she'll be thrilled. Then tell her that since she's getting Thanksgiving, his family's getting Christmas. She won't like that, duurrrrrr.....but it's either splitsky or picksky, hehe
So, it looks like my dad may have done the heavy lifting on this one for me.
My mom has suddenly done an about face and is saying whatever my husband and i decide is fine. plus, now my dad is making ILs a cake for us to take with us. So, I think he overheard our last conversation and then had a sit down with my mom about how she was acting.
Here's to hoping it stays civil!!
My husband and I knew that there would be a constant pull to spend the holidays with both families, so we said that if our family wanted to spend time with us over the holidays, they could come to us and we would cook all the food, etc. This year, my sister took us up on it and the rest of our family will be together in another state, enjoying a bigger Thanksgiving. By telling them to come to you, it takes the blame off of you and puts it on your mother--she's much less likely to lay on the guilt too thick when she's the one who's made the decision not to come/spend tons of time with you.
Good Luck!
I have the exact same problem with our families. My parents are still married, his are divorced and both remarried. My mom says that she gets 50% of the time, it's not her fault his parents are divorced. She even goes to far as to say she doesn't care if she sees my hubby, he is more than welcome to spend his time with his parents.
We live in another state, and until a year ago all our parents were in the same city, so we could do at least one nice dinner at each house for each holiday. But last year his mother moved to Minnesota where her husband and his children live. Starting this year we got a guilt trip for not going to Minnesota for at least one holiday (as if I'm going to go to Minnesota in the wintertime anyway!). Last year we went home for Thanksgiving because it was when everyone was going to be in town. The result was that my mom got mad at his mom for taking over "her" holiday when we spent a day with them.
Our solution? We aren't going ANYWHERE for either holiday, from now on. If our families want to see us, they are welcome to come visit us. My parents took us up on it, and are coming for Christmas. His dad and stepmom solved the problem by coming to visit us last month so they could stay out of the holiday fighting. His mom responded by guilt tripping us, saying that since she has to spend one holiday with her step kids, and the other one in our home state (where her whole family still lives), we are intentionally making it so she can't come visit us. Basically my husband told her to either make time for us or deal with it. I guess she's dealing, since we haven't heard from her about it in a while.
Honestly, the holidays are my LEAST favorite part of being married. Maybe if our families got along really well, it would be better. I know it will only get worse once we have kids. But at least for now, that is our solution. The fact that I'm going to be at the bottom of my work totem pole for another 10 years and will never get holiday vacation time actually helps my cause at this point.
I totally understand what you are going through. My mother is the exact same way. Since we live 3 hours from our families, my husband and I decided a few years ago (before we got married) that we would switch out holidays every year. One year we would spend Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas with his family, and vice versa the next year. We got married this year and are going on our Honeymoon over Christmas. So we have to put all of our families into Thanksgiving and we cannot make the extra 3 hour drive to my grandparents'. My mom goes crazy when I tell her this. She throws the "Your grandparents won't be around forever, and will be very upset you won't make it", "You are not thinking straight about this, you are picking your IL over us", "I am going going to have any of my kids with me for Thanksgiving".
It makes it extra tough because my parents are divorced so we have two holidays on my side, and my mom's parents live another 3 hours further away.
All I say, family politics are hard. The more you try to make it fair and justify it to people, they get upset, say mean things, and you get hurt. It works best if you and your husband are on the same page, stick with the same plan, and I really like what the first person said on what to tell your mom. I am going to use those words verbatim.
Happy Thanksgiving! Enjoy it with a bottle or two of wine. It makes it all better
I am on the flip side of this one. My MIL is having a fit about us wanting to split holidays. We live 5 hours away from his family and 5 hours away from mine, and they are 5 hours away from each other (think triangle), so it makes Thanksgiving impossible and Christmas will be nearly so. This will be the first Christmas for us to have to travel (we were married last year on Dec 19, so we stayed home) and we are trying to make things as even as possible. The biggest issue here is the fact that because his kids live in another state, and are being flown in by his parents (no, we didn't ask for the ILs to pay for the tickets, they did because they want to see the kids for Christmas) we are being the bad guys for wanting to split time with his family and mine.
MIL is paying to fly them into her local airport, as soon as they get out of school for Christmas. My family's tradition is Christmas eve, since my mom usually works Christmas day, but since MIL is buying, my family and I are willing to compromise and do Christmas night instead, which means we are leaving on Christmas day. His mother wants to have a family Christmas portrait done, but she scheduled it for the 26th. Um, can we say NO?!
To make this even better, DHs ex bought tickets for the EARLY morning of the 27th from the airport that's an hour away from my family. (Read 0730 flight, which means that DH and kids will have to leave around 3 a.m. to make sure they all clear security. We both have to be at work on the 29th, which means leaving on the 28th.
I have family coming from coast to coast for Christmas this year, and I am willing to give up 1/2 the time I can spend with them for DHs family, but I'm not compromising on the whole thing. Either he can tell her no, or I'll spend Christmas with my family and he can spend it with ILs and kids.
Moral of that long winded rant: if you aren't comfortable with making the concessions to your mom/MIL, say no, repeat no and then allot your time as you see best. Walk away when your allotted time is up and let her know why you are leaving. Hope it helps! Good luck!
Maybe she is feeling like you never get a chance to really settle in, I can understand this. We have decided that rather than trying to split up our holiday break between our families we alternate one year thanksgiving with his dad, christmas with my family. Next year reversed. I wonder if this would appease your mother?
I think it is totally understandable and probably the right thing for you to just explain to her again and don't give in. But if your family doesn't always run that way (like ours) this has been our compromise.
You could always start splitting up holidays, Thanksgiving at her house, Christmas with DH's family and switch every year. She will get to spend lots of time with you for one holiday, and maybe realize when she is spending christmas alone, that maybe she should have been a little more selfless thinking of what you need while you are celebrating with your inlaws.
Or depending on the size of the extended families, start having Christmas at your house, or do a combine celebration of some sort...bringing both families togheter? just a thought.
I say stand your ground and do what works best for you though
Ask her how much time she spent (or currently spends) with her family and her husband's family during the holidays. I bet it's not as much time as you and your husband spend (6-8 days between both sides of family). Then I'd tell her that you love spending time with everyone, but that you feel like you and DH could spend more holiday time together, perhaps cutting back on family time. Maybe then she'd be grateful that she at least gets those 3-4 days with ya'll.
As for her suggesting that you cut back on family time with DH's family, ask her how she would feel if she had a son who was married to a woman whose family asked that of her (to not let your mother's fictitious son spend as much time with her as he would be spending with the fictitious wife's family). Maybe then she'd see how selfish of a request that is.