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at a crossroads...wwyd?
Hi everyone...some of you probably remember me and my similar-themed stories around the nest lol :
My husband and I are both 29. We don't have kids yet and are living in LA, but are originally from Michigan. We moved out here 4 years ago so husband could get into movie business...He's currently doing video editing for a pretty well-known company while he and his friend pursue their real passion of writing feature-length movie scripts (though none have sold yet, they've gotten significantly farther with them than the average "joe" out here, as in, well-known directors and major companies have read them).
We're both majorly family people and always said we'd come out here for 5 years or so then move back to MI to start a family. Well that's never really sat well with me, as I've seriously felt in limbo for the past 4 years...As in, can barely hang anything on my apartment walls because this place has never felt like home to me. (how do you get comfortable somewhere when you know you're just going to pack up and start over again in a few years anyway?)
Well, I'm starting to get really antsy about the future...I'm dying to go back to grad school because I'm getting sick of my current profession (basically, on-call/independent contractor type-stuff) and need something much reliable and with way better pay. Problem is, none of the schools out here offer the program I want, except for one SUPER expensive private school that would put us 100K in debt for a 2 year program. Um. No.
(I'm getting to my point, I swear!!!!) 
I've come to a conclusion through the process of elimination and the thing that makes the most sense is to move back home to MI and go to school there, where there is a great, affordable program right near both of our hometowns. The other factor is that we want to have kids in the next 3 years or so (and NOT in CA), and that's kinda another reason I'm getting "antsy". We have these plans to be homeowners and parents one day but can't get a start on either of those things while scraping by and paying ridiculously high rent out here (about 50% of our monthly income, not including super high health and car insurance out here).
Not sure what we're waiting for out here, he says he wants to give it "5 years before giving up"..reasonable, yes, but then what? Technically, 5 years is up in Jan, 2012. What if he gets a HUGE break in December 2011 and someone decides to make his movie? Then what? I wait till I'm 40 before TTC and moving back to MI? Plus, I want to go to school!
Would it be majorly f*ed up of us to keep our apartment (and husband!) out here in LA while I flew home to MI to start my masters and live at home with my parents? Like, should I make a move with or without him? So confused. I love him, but seriously. Feel like the wheels are turning but we're not getting anywhere. sigh. I know a bunch of you nasty trolls are going to tear me apart just like always, so take your best shot, but thanks in advance to the nice ones out there
Re: at a crossroads...wwyd?
first, just to reply to this part in particular -- my dad was in the army, so we moved every 2-3 years when i was growing up. the *first* thing that i did when we moved was put stuff on my walls (even before unpacking my clothes). that was a source of continuity to me -- in a new place where i didn't know anybody, decorating was a way of making myself feel comfortable.
beyond that, i think you and your DH need to have this conversation. if you're honestly considering living separately from him so that you can start school, then he needs to hear this from you. i can't imagine leaving my husband for any length of time to go back and live with my parents, but i also can't imagine putting my dreams on hold for an uncertain number of years so that my husband can have a shot at a profession that he may never fully break into.
i think you need to really think about what the consequences and benefits are for staying and leaving. and then talk with your husband about it.
Okay, there's a lot going on here, but I'll try to keep it brief. And please know that this may come across as a little bit of "tough love," but I'm not trying to be a b!tch.
First, finances. I live in LA; if you are both working professional jobs and are paying out 50% of your income in rent, I think you have chosen to live someplace that is too expensive. If you'd like some help on stretching your money further, come post on the Money Matters board and we'll give you some input.
I think the whole "how can someplace feel like home when you know you're going to move" line is just an excuse to not make your apartment feel like a home because you don't want to be here. Get some sticky hooks, or resign yourself to doing a little bit of touch-up before you move out, and make your house seem homey! This is the nature of renting...it's what non-homeowners do! I know I won't be living here in a few years, but that's no reason to pack up all of my pretty things and bemoan the fact that we aren't homeowners.
On to the bigger picture; it sounds to me like you were planning on him failing at his dream all along. You said that you came out here so he could get into the business, but your entire future seems to hinge on moving back to Michigan. You don't want to live in LA, you don't want to raise your kids in LA...what were you going to do if one of his scripts got picked up right off the bat? Did you expect him to abandon his career after five years regardless of his success?
Honestly, I see this as being at a BIG crossroads. It sounds like you two want different things...you want to move back home, go to school, and raise a family; he wants to stay in LA and pursue his career. You have framed these as being mutually exclusive; you won't live in LA after the five years are up, and Michigan doesn't exactly have a booming movie industry. More than whether or not you should move home to go to school, where do you see this going long-term? What compromises do you see working?
I think I have a hard time relating to how you got to this position because my DH and I have approached life with an "as long as we're together" attitude. I didn't particularly want to live in LA, either, but this is where his dream job was. And if his dream job had been somewhere I couldn't stand to live, he would have adjusted his expectations (actually, I know there are other companies he would have loved to pursue, but he didn't because he knows I would never, ever want to live where they are located). You two need to be a team; how does he respond to your feelings about the situation?
I think the thing that really kills me is the fact that there's nothing actively being done to push the script-writing career. I mean, he's paid well enough at his editing job but in between the calls to work (it's not a consistent gig) I see no further attempts being made to make contacts, get any sort of writing gig, etc. He and his writing partner used to be into it hard core, like making time to write everyday, making contacts, having dinner meetings with potential directors, etc etc, but now the partner has a fiance and a full time (non-writing-related) job and doesn't seem to care anymore (he was kind of the front-man in a sense; comes from a rich family with many connections). Both of them seem to feel like "oh well, our material is out there and being passed around/in enough hands; something's bound to happen"...(which, most of the time IS how hollywood works but seems like a passive approach to me). Just feel STUCK. This is not really how I pictured my life unfolding 10 years ago :-/....feel kind of like a 50's housewife sometimes.
Yah, we've talked about it off and on but he hates the idea of just packing up and leaving without accomplishing something huge...And to be honest, I don't know what we'd do if he made it big. We always said if he got a job writing scripts full time we could do it anywhere but I think that's just us being unrealistic. In terms of responding to my feelings, I think if I were to really push it, he'd move back with me but not be happy about it.....I've been bringing it up little by little lately, so I'm not sure he's taking me seriously yet...Kind of responds with a matter-of-fact approach of "oh well, this is our 5 year plan and we're sticking to it". Hasn't even made any indication that he'd in anyway consider it, more or less brushes it off to me being homesick and over-analyzing things. Frustrating! Sigh.
Let's say he wakes up tomorrow and says "Hey honey, let's move back to Michigan and start that family!"
With WHAT? What kind of work will he be able to get? If you enroll in a grad program, you won't be bringing in any money and if you throw a baby into the mix, you guys will be up a serious creek. Have you really thought about the future, any future, ANYWHERE?
You have been in SoCal for 4 years. If you had started your grad program when you moved, you would be done and earning more money by now. Or you guys could have lived apart while you did you program and would now be living together with you earning solid money with your degree.
You keep dwelling on moving back to MI. You have this fantasy in your head that you will move, get settled, get into the program you want, pop out a couple of kids and live happily ever after. You aren't willing to even try to settle in where you are. As PP said, 3M's removable hooks are great for apartments.
Seriously, you need to sit and figure out what YOU REALLY WANT. Based on your post, you want to move back to MI. Even if tomorrow Steven Spielberg called with a movie deal, you would still want to leave SoCal. Honestly, based on what you have written, your husband doesn't share your dream. He wants to stay in CA and keep trying to get into the movie business, however passively he may be doing it at the moment. If you guilt him into moving back and giving up on his dream, he will grow to resent you. There isn't a middle ground here. You guys really want totally different things from your lives.
Now, I might be wrong. If I am, now is the time to bring it up. Talk about your previously agreed upon 5 year time limit. Tell him that you feel strongly about holding him to it and if nothing happens, you want to move back to MI as he promised. Tell him that he has little over a year to make something happen, or you are going to stick to the plan. He has a choice to make and for the sake of your marriage, I hope he chooses to honor his promise (and then James Cameron calls him for the screenplay for Avatar 2).
I agree with the pp that said you moved to CA assuming your H would fail. You never really gave CA a chance (not hanging up pictures, not making friends or connections). So you need to recognize your part to this problem now. What if he made it big? What if he ended up writing the Avatar sequels for the next 10 yrs -- what was your plan for that scenario? I'm imaging that your H senses this and probably resents it at some level.
You want to further your degree, then have kids. After your degree, would you be able to find work in MI? MI has one of the worst economic climates in the country with not a lot of prospects for improving things in the next few years. Would your H be able to find work in the area? I know that Toronto has a budding movie industry; NY is really your best market east of the Miss. for his career. Perhaps you would consider long term living near MI but just not immediately near your family. Living near family is nice, but being able to hold a job and support your family is more important.
You need to have some serious talks with your H now about what you both want and be realistic about your circumstances. Think about what things are deal breakers and what things are negotiable for you both (location, timing, $$, career prospects). I know temporary separations for couples are very manageable for work or school reasons. But I'm not sure why he would stay behind in CA for a whole year-- he's not working on some big project that would require that timeline. He would just be staying to meet some arbitrary timeline you guys set 4 yrs ago. I understand you moving temporarily to start your schooling and him moving when he finds work in MI. But that would assume he would start looking for work right away.
Have you considered NYC?
It might be a location that both you and your H can live in - where he can pursue a career in showbiz (there are many television programs that film there), not to mention the theater world, very artsy, and you can find a grad school that works in your field (between NY, NJ and CT, there must be ONE program that you can afford!!!).
I don't know why you are stuck on Michegan - - is it b/c your family is there? Or because it offers a lifestyle you like...."work to live, not live to work," family-first values, nice house for your $, etc. I'm pretty sure you can find values that match your own wherever you go, you just have to do some homework.
However, if the 5 year is almost done, I would talk to your dh and tell him you expect him to honor his promise. It's only fair.
MANY people have written screenplays while living outside of LA. Check out Micheganfilm dot org. Your H might even be able to network more easily in a place like Michegan than in a movie mecca like LA.
TicTock Studios has offices in both Michigan and LA.
http://www.tictockstudios.com/
It does really sound like you and your husband have different dreams, though.