Same-Sex Households
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
ADVICE NEEDED
I need advice from you guys. If you read my other post you know I 'm going through some family issues. So here's my qusetion to you all... especially those of you who's families are not or were not supportive of your relationship with your spouse. How do you deal with making the right decisions for you and your partner (with your partner), while not hurting your family? My mom seems to think I've chosen K above my family. And of course I haven't, I'm just married now. I'm pretty sure we wouldn't be going through this drama if I had married a guy. But for some reason, they still don't respect as a "real" married couple. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Re: ADVICE NEEDED
I'm not in the same position as you, but I hope you'll accept my advice:
When you marry someone, I believe you are creating a new family with them. At that point your relationship with your parents, siblings, etc transfers from that of your immediate family to that of your extended family... with your spouse (and any kids) becoming your new immediate family. When it comes to "traditional marriage" (hate that term, but not sure what else to call the narrow-minded view of marriage being only man and wife), I think this line of thinking is not only accepted, but expected. No one would question me for making decisions that are best for me AND my husband, as opposed to just things that are good for me as they relate to others. And as you said, maybe the same would be true for you and your mom, if things had been different and you had ended up marrying a man instead.
When you are dealing with family that doesn't approve of your relationship and marriage, then obviously it becomes trickier. The thing is, in a way you are choosing K above "your family"... but as I pointed out above, that's okay! She is your family now. Not only is it okay, but its the basis for a healthy, lasting marriage. You are a package deal now and you don't make decisions just based on how they work for you individually, but how they work for you as a team. And frankly, that relationship has to come before the one with your mom. Its not more important, but it is a higher priority.
I'm very close to my parents, so I can understand why this is such a hard thing for you to go through. Honestly though, the next time your mom says something to you about your choices, I think you just have to blunt and honest with her: "Maybe it does seem like I'm putting K first Mom, but that's because she's my family now too. I love you, and want you to understand and except (if not be happy with) whatever decision I make, but K & I are married now. We are a team, and we have to do what is best for us together." I'm sure it won't be easy at first, but you just have to keep doing what is right by the two of you, and hope that your mom will come through.
Good Luck.
Maybe I don't have a heightened sense of smell, but I've never smelled any vagina on my pants. -- TSD
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I agree with Meegs. Once you get married, your partner becomes your immediate family and your family origin becomes your extended family. I think it is hard for parents with kids in same-sex relationships to process this since they often just think of us as best friends playing house.
It has taken years (we've been together 8, married 5) for my parents to get this - and really they only got it once we had children. I had to keep reminding my parents that we are a couple, we are a family, we are a team, and we are a package deal (no, I am not coming to spend Christmas with you and leave L by herself at our home. Sigh.)
Hang in there. Hope it gets better.
hey girl,
Well I totally second everything Meegs said above. I had actually wrote something very similar to what she has said but my computer went on the blink and I lost it all.
I am in a similar position to you only thing it sounds like your mom and family are abit more accepting than mine is. That may not be the case but it just sounds that way from what you have wrote so far. Anyhow my family (parents, brothers) dont recognize amanda and I as being married and didn't come to our wedding which really has broken me apart but whatever... Just like your mom my parents have said some of the very same things like my wife and I have been living in Scotland where she is from for the past 7 years and my parents have asked me to come back home to the States a few times. When they have asked I have always said back to them, well how can we because Amanda cant legally come back without sponsorship in the States" (because the US federal government will not allow me to sponsor her as my wife to come live in the States). My parents response is usually well you can just come back and basically she can stay in Scotland and then I usually flip out saying that they are crazy! I mean would my dad just up and leave my mom or my mom my dad? NO!!! Anyways I have now decided that I cant take the emotional stress that they are causing me and my wife so I have told them to get help for themselves and until they do that and recognize her as my wife and my family now I cant have them involved in my life. They dont really bring anything positive to our lives and are emotionally and physically stressful to us both. I love them to death but they are really just pulling us down right now in life so I have had to cut them out for the sake of my wife and I. It shouldnt be this way but I have got to put our family (her and I) first and I feel like maybe that is what you might have to do to some point.
Right now is an important time for your family (you and your wife) and your extended family shouldnt be trying to break you down but instead trying to build you guys up and give you the extra support you need. If they arent doing that then in my opinion you have got to step back away from them and get to your wife and look at what you guys need to do as a family unit without interruptions from outsiders such as your mom and other extended family members.
Really wish you guys all the best. Stay strong!!
Kathy
Hey Monet81, might be a bit late to post. But I think when you married your wife, you've created a new family unit.
Lots of newlyweds whose family/families don't approve will always use emotional blackmail to make sure they dont 'loose' their son/daughter. I think in your case, the added ingredient was that you married a person of the same sex which was just one more ammunition of emotional blackmail from your family.
Don't feel too bad. Hopefully in time they will come around and accept you two as a couple!