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Thought I had survived Thanksgiving
I got married in June and last year was the first year that we tried to merge holidays and it involved me in tears before Thanksgiving and Christmas. I thought that we had made it through Thanksgiving without the drama but I was wrong.
I am an only child with a very small family, so I refuse to leave my parents alone all day on a holiday. H has a 13 year old daughter who the extended family rarely gets to see. So we have issues starting right there.
H's family gets together for Thanksgiving on Thursday for one side and Saturday for the other. (Mine changes between the two based on when my uncle has his kids.) My family is having Thanksgiving on Saturday this year. Weeks ago MIL gave me a guilt trip that she was going to have to have Saturday Thanksgiving in her "little house" if I would not have it. I gave her a flat out no since that is my one and only family obligation and I was not about to miss it for a second Thanksgiving with their family. I thought that she understood our decision to split the time on Saturday with my family getting a little more since I did not see anyone on Thursday.
I was wrong. Last night she asked me what time we had dinner at my parents. When I responded we were supposed to be there at 4 and eat at 5:30 she said great, so you should be here by 6:30 then. When I told her no that we would be staying longer with my family, she got angry and said that my family should not get any extra time with my stepdaughter. We were planning to be at his family's celebration by 8. They will be playing board games and hanging out until after midnight so this is not unreasonable in my opinion.
H was with me on the plans until MIL gave him so much trouble about it last night and now he wants to skip dinner at my parents all together! I am hoping I can talk some sense into him. That is not like him at all.
I guess worst case he will go his way and I will go mine. If that happens, am I justified in not going to his family at all?
Now I am dreading the Christmas conversation.....
Re: Thought I had survived Thanksgiving
First of all your H needs to defend you and your plans as a couple. He needs to be the one to put is foot down with his mother. I don't find it unreasonable at all. She might be your step daughter, but that doesn't change anything IMO. You guys are all family, and for you to have your H and step daughter over to your side is valuable time as well. If they want to spend more time with ALL of you then they can find a different day, like Sunday, or whatever.
If your H doesn't attend your family Thanksgiving, IMO it would be fine to not attend his on Saturday either. Your parents, and your side of the family, deserve quality time as well. Not just his and not just because of your step daughter. She is your daughter now too.
"I am an only child with a very small family, so I refuse to leave my parents alone all day on a holiday. "
DH has a daughter, so you don't get to be the child anymore. You should try to work this out as a family and do what is best for everyone. Parting ways and boycotting dinner probably is not in the best interest of your relationship with your in-laws, your relationship with DH, or your relationship with your stepdaughter.
This is where it all went wrong. You made plans to share the holiday with both families. You both need to stick to your decisions no matter how much other people are trying to manipulate you.
Dont do this. You'll both look like spoiled brats and it will show your families they can get away with pushing you around. Compromise and willinginess to experiment will go a long way toward helping you find ways to celebrate that will be fun, satisfying, and comfortable for everyone.
This is going to get long...
Your husband must have previous experience with sharing holidays because he was previously married and has a child. I don't know how well this went for him in the past, but it's probably time to ask. I think you need to take a hard look at whether one or both of you is being unreasonable, and think how much your family influences should factor into your decisions.
Get more creative about how you can share time with everyone. Some ideas include: You and your husband could host the meal and invite both families. Make an effort to arrange visits with your stepdaughter and extended family at other times throughout the year. Reconsider your notion that you cannot leave your parents alone for a holiday, or at least ask them how they feel about it.
I realize it's not the way things were done in the past, but you can either feel miserable about it, or you can try other things. It's easy to get emotional and set your expectations high. It's natural that you might all feel awkward with differences in family cultures and traditions and shaking these up can be uncomfortable. Give this more time and keep putting in effort, because good holiday experiences are worth it.