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HELP! Time with Family
Being a newly wed I now have new family to visit over the Holidays (Specifically Christmas). What can I do to not make meeting/spending time with them overly awkward?
Our relationship is not the 'norm' we met while he was divorcing - and got married less than a year later.
I've met some of his family, but not all of them yet. In the beginning some of them said some unkind things about our relationship - and I'm finding it difficult to move past it. Now that we are married they all have seemed overly accepting. I'm loving this new attitude, and I'm just hoping its not fake, or forced because they 'have' to.
Usually I am very social - but I find interacting with his family slightly difficult. Its not that I don't like them - they are all very nice and accepting of this new marriage - I just can't seem to feel natural around them after I know how they felt in the beginning of our relationship.
Any suggestions or similar stories?
Re: HELP! Time with Family
I think the key is to not overthink it. Just be yourself and trust that they will do the same. Also, try to find things you have in common with one or more family members, and stick to those topics as much as possible. It will make conversations less awkward and more enjoyable for all involved. Your DH will be the best resource for this since it's his family. Just ask him, "Hey what do you see that I have in common with some of your family members? I'm looking to make this holiday season enjoyable for all, and really want to work on having a good relationship with your family. I figure finding common ground will be a good place to start."
Just my opinion!
My husband has a very large family and sometimes they can be a bit overwhelming. I am also social but sometimes I find that I am trapped because I don't always want to follow what "they always do." If we don't go to certain places on the holiday...it's awkward to say the least. This year I talked with my hubby and he actually pointed out that we'd only been spending time with his family, not "our" family.
Basically, if you are concerned about it; talk to your husband and have him there to support you. My husband and I have a signal we will say/do if one of us is feeling weird at the family gatherings. If one of us drops the signal we know it's time to get ready to go (or who needs to be avoided.)
If you are feeling like your family is being forced to like you, I would suggest spending time with them outside of the holiday madness and let them get to know you better. You might find they actually do like you, but they had to hold up "pretenses" because of the speediness of your relationship.
Hope everything goes well!!!
I agree- don't overthink.
I have a friend who was in a serious relationship and talking marriage. They broke up (which we were actually happy about) and he VERY QUICKLY met a new woman and they started talking marriage very quickly and were engaged 2 months later, and got married a week before the 1 year anniversary of when they met.
Many people were very concerned that he was moving too fast, etc. I even wrote him a letter explaining my concerns to him. They met a LOT of push back initially.
Long story short- they've been married 13 years, have 2 wonderful kids, and I consider his wife one of my closest girlfriends. ALL of "his" friends and family, despite their initial reservations, quickly discovered what a great person she was and came to understand how perfect they were for one another.
Once past the initial period of concern, everyone welcomed her into their lives. Our initial reservations were purely based in our love and concern for our friend - we didn't want him to make a bad choice. but once we realized he wasn't, we were all on board.
WHich sounds like is probably what happened w/ his family. You say they are now accepting of you. Work w/ that. Not w/ what they said previously. You acknowledge that your relationship wasn't the norm - you have to allow for some degree of initial concern and people giving you all the side eye. They care about him and want to know he's making the right choice.
The fact that NOW they are accepting of you - you really need to focus on that and move on. We ALL make mistakes in our lives. In essence, your DH did by marrying his first wife. He's moved on, you've moved on , his family has moved on. They made a "mistake" by being unkind initially. Well, now, they've moved on. It's time for you to do so too.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thank you all!!
Yes, I do tend to be an 'over thinker' at times.
I'll have to get my husband to give me some pointers/insight into his family. He is Italian, and he has a HUGE family. So it is overwhelming at times.
You are completely right - I'm sure their reservations were just out of concern for their son/brother. I didn't stop to think about that. And now that they have moved on, I should just move on too. I just wanted to really make sure that it isn't forced, but I won't know that until we spend more time together.
DH and I both tend to be "over thinkers" so I know exactly how that is. We are constantly having to remind eachother to relax and not over think things.
I would say that I'm the over thinker when it comes to things in the future - like visiting for Christmas - things that need to get done. I just anticipate what is going to happen. BUT when it comes time and the event is actually happening, I stop thinking and just go with whatever is going on.