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Outcast from father's family... (divorce-related)
After this Thanksgiving and with Christmas coming up, I start to think about my parents' divorce. Here's the story:
My parents have been officially divorced for a couple of years now. For the first two years since my dad announced that he was divorcing my mom - to all of our shock - we didn't talk or see each other. He moved out of our (my mom and I's) house and in with his "girlfriend." Finally, after not talking to him in a very long time, and having been dating Paul (my now fianc?) for about 6 months, I wrote him a letter saying that I was upset that he didn't know about the amazing man that I am now privileged enough to say I am marrying. We got together a couple of times since then, even spending some time with him and his family around Christmas. It was awkward but was getting better...
Paul and I got engaged in May. Up until that point, I was the one calling... breaking the news of the engagement included. I called him to tell him the great news and we planned on getting together to talk about our plans and to catch up. Since the initial getting together after the engagement, I tried to keep calling him to update him on wedding plans that we being made.
Eventually the topic of who was walking me down the aisle came up. I have decided to not have my father walk me down the aisle. It's a personal decision that I had to think (and cry) about before I could figure things out in my head and in my heart. When I told him this news, he said that it was my wedding and I should do what makes me happy (exact quote). Since then, his girlfriend left me a voicemail in August about how it's not right and it's always been about money for me (Wasn't I the one who contacted him and broke the silence? and I never asked for money by the way, they offered it.). I wish I could play the recording through this post because I have never been talked to in that way in my entire life. We ended up meeting to talk about it more and I stood my ground. His girlfriend blamed the fact that we didn't talk on me and accused us of "using" them since they would have us over to their house - I'm like "Sorry to have things at your place, would you like to have things at your ex-wife's house instead?"
We tried to leave the situation on good terms... difficult to do when he stated bluntly that with his girlfriend was where his alliance was and my brothers and I would have to "deal with it." I explained that right now I just didn't feel close to him and the damage of being ignored for two years wouldn't easily be undone - especially by eight months of me always making the calls to him to stay in contact. I told him that if we got closer between then and the wedding I could change my mind.
Since then I got a voicemail on my birthday telling me that he had a card but didn't know my address (it's the same house as before he divorced my mom). I called him back and got voicemail (like usual, I rarely talk to him on the phone and instead leave messages) telling him the address. Almost two weeks after my birthday, I received a card that was postmarked 10 days(!) after my birthday.
I wasn't invited to Thanksgiving with his family - my brothers and sisters-in-law were though I don't know if one of my brothers went (the other was out of town and couldn't - even if he had wanted to). I guess we'll see how Christmas turns out.
Has any other else had a situation like this? Holidays are hard enough and I don't have other friends with divorced parents who can understand what I am going through.
Paul is supportive but he can't really understand the feeling when your "dad" just walks away forever (especially when he has the father he does - a man who I now call "Dad" and has been more of a father to me in the past 1.5+ years than my biological father has been and actually cares about what's going on in my life).
Hopefully someone on here dealt with something like this a while ago because I want to go if eventually you just forget and get over it...
Re: Outcast from father's family... (divorce-related)
I think some counseling might be in order for you. Unfortunately, you are seeing the man who your father is. You've got to work WITH this knowledge and try to find acceptance.
Doesn't mean you have to accept his behavior and poor treatment, but it means you need to stop hoping for/ expecting different behavior, if that makes sense.
And you have to make decisions around if you want to include him in your life or not based on who you know him to be.
You sound upset that you're the one who always has to do the calling. I totally understand that you'd like for him to make some effort, but so far, he's made it clear he won't.
So - make your decision w/ that knowledge. Can you continue to reach out to him while accepting he won't reciprocate and can you be ok w/ this, or would you rather just stop trying yourself and find acceptance in not having anything to do w/ him again?
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I know it has to be hard.
And by the way, I think you're making the right choice to not have him walk you. It isn't an honor that he gets just because he's 'dad'. It's an honor YOU get to choose to give to someone.
For him to be able to walk away from his kids for 2 years like that... I just can't comprehend it. And it's not a behavior that says "dad" to me.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm still shocked that the GF had the nads to call you out on ANYTHING. It's not her place or her business; they are not married, and the matter of the wedding should be between you and your dad.
I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. My parents are still married so I don't know what it's like to have to deal wtih this type of situation. Few of my friends have divorced parents and have gotten into spats with their step parents, but I guess I just never understood how anyone could not want anything to do with their children, whether they're grown or not.
My parents divorced when I was very young. BioDad and I stayed in contact for years--as long as I was the one to make it happen. Finally I realized that I was expending all this energy to maintain a relationship with someone who didn't seem very interested, when all this time I'd had someone who stepped right into the role (stepDad) and became more of a dad than BioDad ever was. Once I realized that I had someone there, I realized that I didn't need to keep wasting my time on the person who didn't seem to care.
You also have someone there for you--your STBFIL. Like ECB said, get some counseling to deal with it, but realize that this is who your dad is and don't keep setting yourself up for disappointment by expecting more from him. I haven't spoken to my BioDad in 20+years, but I did speak to my Dad this past weekend.
I think all the involvement your dad needs in your wedding planning is sending him (and his GF, unfortunately) an invite, being surprised if they show up, but not being surprised when no gift arrives from them. Then enjoy your new family--all of it, especially your FIL.
When I started reading your response, I knew that I would get great advice from you since it sounds like your situation was a lot like mine is now.
I did go to counseling when the divorce was still getting finalized and the big breakthrough I had with the therapist was that I referred to it as "our divorce" and used phrases such as "when he divorced us" - basically identifying my mom and myself as a package deal that when he divorced her, he seemed to divorce me, too - even though you're suppose to divorce spouses not children.
I'll go for a long time without having any thoughts about it but then someone or something will bring it up (in this case, holidays) and I will have a good cry over the situation every once in a while. Part of the hurt was that my brothers were still getting invites to family get-togethers and seeing him once in a while when I wasn't getting noticed at all. I have now talked to my brothers and they assured me that I wasn't really missing out on all that much - a phone call here or there around holidays.
I'm trying to just understand and accept the situation - I'm glad that I at least contacted him and made the effort one more time so I won't have to "wonder."
I will be inviting him and his girlfriend to the wedding and reception - he already told me he would be there for the wedding and not the reception and didn't know if his family would come or not.
Thank you for the advice about enjoying my new family. I have all of these new grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, parents, and a new brother and sister to be thankful for and of course, my own mother, brothers, sisters-in-law, nieces, and nephew. I should focus on all of the happiness that they bring me instead of continuing to hurt over the nurturing and loving relationship that I wanted between me and my BioDad since I will be marrying into having another Dad.
Yeah, something happened where her father didn't walk her down the aisle when she got married the first time (I don't know if he died or what). So I think part of the problem is that she is unloading her "daddy-drama" on my situation. That's her personality to get into other people's business according to her - she told us that when she sees a problem she has to get in there and fix it. The problem is that she is part of what broke the situation in the first place...