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Opinions? Advice
Hi Everyone 
I need some opinions and advice on how to deal with situations regarding my DH family. For the holidays his Aunt asked if herself, her son and his wife, her daughter and her husband and son could stay with us during the week (2 weeks before Christmas). That weekend we are to drive up north to where they live to have dinner with the 40 other family members (including the ones staying with us). The next weekend is Christmas and is immediate family will be coming to stay with us. I asked if we couldnt just seen them all when we go up north and still have his immediate family for Christmas.
I am confused as to why they need to visit the week before we are to travel up north AND while him and I are both working?? I asked if he could compromise with us just going up north to see everyone and then have his immediate family on Christmas. Is it wrong to want some downtime? Am I being unreasonable?
Re: Opinions? Advice
It's YOUR house, so if you and your husband don't want guests, you don't have to have guests. End of story. It's not unreasonable to want a little time to yourselves, especially during the holidays.
Just say, "Sorry, Aunt, but we won't be able to accommodate you that week. We'll be happy to help you find some local hotels if you wish." And if you would still want to see them a couple times during their stay in your area, then say, "We have work and some other prior commitments, so we unfortunately won't be able to spend a lot of time with you during your stay in OurTown, but if you all want to get together for dinner on [date(s) and time(s)] then we'd love to see you." Set the schedule and then they can either adhere to it or not see you at all. Don't let them push you into something that you don't want to do.
As for why they asked to spend that time before Christmas with you guys ... is it because they want to see you and H and nothing more? Or because they want to visit your area and maybe don't want to pay for a hotel room?
True story.
Ahhh that would be awesome lol but he would never say that. In his family it would be too disrespectful and his mother would certainly call him to say how the family is discussing it. This is such a hurdle to be married to someone from such a different culture!
Well, in YOUR family (you and him), it's disrespectful to invite yourself (and five other people!) to stay at someone else's house like it's a damn hotel.
And really, so what if his mother calls and the family discusses it? They can discuss it all they want, and it still won't be their decision as it isn't their house. And if he thinks it is kinda their decision, well, then you need marriage counseling stat, and also individual counseling to figure out why you'd marry someone like this.
See and I think that is totally acceptable, not so with this family. :-(
In answer to your question, I feel like its more of them needing a place to stay.
Glad I am not crazy and you guys agree :-) thanks that means alot.
So, he's going to choose keeping THEM happy over keeping YOU happy?
How is that fair to you? You're married to him. They are not.
So he doesn't think it's their decision, he just thinks you have no say in *his* decision? Why did you marry someone that does not respect you or value you as an equal?
This.
And most of all...you both need to stop taking responsibility for how his family members choose to respond to the choices that are best for YOU and YOUR HUSBAND. You and your husband should already have been on the same page about making choices for you together as your own family, and if you are NOT on the same page now and he still feels these things are up to his own family members (and not you and he together), it is time to get into counseling.
He doesn't have to choose; he already did. He chose you, he married you, and now YOU are the primary concern in his life. His aunt can be disappointed, his mom can be mad; the decision about if family stays is between YOU and HIM, not the rest of them.
Also, I think you WILL be having this argument year after year until the two of you get on the same page.
You are absolutely right. They are not coming up to see you, they are using your home as a free hotel. Now, do you work? Are your hard earnings going towards the mortage and upkeep to the home? Yes? If you don't work, does your hard work go into maintaining the home? Yes? Well then it is your home too and you have every right to say who stays there and for how long.
Family is very important to me too but I wouldn't allow my relatives to do this. Does it mean that I love them less? Of course not, it just means that I won't allow my home be treated like that and I respect my privacy too.
Ditto all of this.
I'm not sure why you didn't talk through more of these issue before you got married, but that ship has sailed, so you need to deal with this now. Get in to therapy ASAP.
Falling back on "culture" and "my family does X" is a cop-out.
You and he are a family. If you don't want to run a hotel and host half a dozen guests for more than a week, then your wishes trump the practices of the extended family.
Obviously, if your husband is willing to ignore your reasonable desire not to have houseguests for extended periods of time because his momma will call him and his family will talk about you, it's more uncomfortable for him to disappoint or upset his extended family than it is uncomfortable for him to disappoint or upset YOU. So...change that dynamic. If he wants to host six people at the house for a week, fine. He can stay home and do that; you can go to a nice hotel.
This is crazy -- HOW many people want to come stay with you for 2 weeks?????
I'd say no to that in a hurry. Let 'em find a Motel 6 or some other cheap digs for the week.
Never mind your H...where are YOU in all of this? Please don't tell me that you think all of this is okay and it's fine to let YOUR opinion get lost in the mix.
Didn't you and he discuss this before you were married? Looks like you did not.
These people sound like they're attached at the hip. Why in tarnation do FORTY of them have to have dinner together????
Update!!!
We had a talk, I made (as I agree) many of the points mentioned on here as they mirroed the thoughts in my head. He understands and we have narrowed the trip of their visit to 3 days. We are also not traveling up north after their visit as there will be a 3 day visit the following weekend for Christmas (of his immediate family so I am 100% ok with that). I think he gets uncomfortable when his family wants to do these things as before he was with me it didnt bother him. Well we ARE married now so I told him he could have them call me and he wont need to get caught in the middle. Things have changed and we are in charge of OUR house that we both work to pay for.
As for therapy...I thought that comment was a tad rude to assume that open communication shouldn't be tried before going to that extreme. But I did ask for opinions so I dont have to agree with all of them.
Thank you all for your comments :-)
P.S. I love that you all so vehemently agreed that what they were wanting was ridiculous. When I talk to a few of my friends they all just say, "thats the culture" and "well it's his family" leaving me to think I was being childish!!! Maybe they weren't as concerned because it wasn't them!