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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Anyone change their names BACK, or hyphenate?
Married since June 2010
TTC #1 since 04/2011
3 abnormal PAPs and 2 colpo/biopsy since 09/2009
LEEP 05/2011
ASCUS PAP 08/2011 which means no PAP for 6 months!! YAY!!
BFP 11/6/11!! EDD: 7/15/12
1st u/s 11/21/11: TWINS!
16 wks 1/30/12: BOY and GIRL!
Schedualed c-section for 7/2/12 38wks 1day
Went into labor 6/25/12 37wks 1day. Delivered two healthy babies
1. I agree with you.
2. I think it's that way in Indiana also...infact after changing my name on my SS card I believe I was only given 30 days to change it on my license too. Something like that....they only give you 30 days to do anything after you get married.
Married since June 2010
TTC #1 since 04/2011
3 abnormal PAPs and 2 colpo/biopsy since 09/2009
LEEP 05/2011
ASCUS PAP 08/2011 which means no PAP for 6 months!! YAY!!
BFP 11/6/11!! EDD: 7/15/12
1st u/s 11/21/11: TWINS!
16 wks 1/30/12: BOY and GIRL!
Schedualed c-section for 7/2/12 38wks 1day
Went into labor 6/25/12 37wks 1day. Delivered two healthy babies
I totally agree. And really, it's just a name! Personally, I think you're making a mountain out of a mole hill.
OK, I really have to comment on this one. I have a friend who married a man who's father abandoned him (and his mother) as a child. His mother then married an abusive man who adopted him. She later divirced him. My friend's husband has no relationship with either of the men who called themselves his father and feels no connection them either, tho he has carried each of their last names. When he and my friend got married, he asked to take my friend's last name becasue he finally felt he had a name that he connected to family.
Ball-less? Hardly.
I chose to keep my name when I got married, and was pretty surprised at how many people have such a strong opinion about it, even people I hardly know. Acutally, especially people I hardly know.
I want to have the same name as my future kids, so I'm going to use my maiden/current name as a middle name and change my last name to his. I have no plans on doing that until I get pregnant, and knowing me, I'll be doing online between contractions :P
My husband was a little hurt that I didn't want to change my name, but I've had it my whole life, and I don't want to change it. I'm usually very sensitive to judgement, but for some reason, my critics really don't bother me on this one. Other than my husband of course, but he loves me, so he doesn't judge, and tries to understand.
Don't get too carried away with the sexism part of it; it's just a name, not the deed to your life. Just make sure you're comfortable with whatever you choose. Whatever it is, it's better than Princess Consuela Banana Hammack
I don't know... there is definitely an argument to be made there, but I'm still sticking with my original thought.
There are many of us with sob stories, me included. My dad was horrible to my mother, he abandoned us when I was very young (mom, me and sister) and left my poor mother broke and never paid CS. She passed away shortly after due to an auto accident and he didn't want us. Luckily she had family that stepped up and took us in. I still had his last name until I married. It was the name given to me at birth, but it didn't define who I was...
10-10-10 here we come!
Kelly's BIO-Hazard
I also consider myself a feminist and didn't want to completely give up my name. Plus, I don't think it's so much a picture of "two becoming one" as me becoming him. So when we got married a year and a half ago, we combined our names. I was McDaniel, he was Morris and we are now "McDarris". I love it and I have never regretted it once!
Just be wary that your family, mostly his, will probably not be warm to the idea. Ours weren't. But it is your marriage, not theirs. It's also a lot of work, legally changing names for both of you, but well worth it in my opinion. And everyone but our families thought the idea was awesome! I think it's a beautiful picture of coming together and starting anew.
hoo boy. I have to respond because so many posters are acting as if this is absurd question. one of my friends is in exactly the same position. she changed her name (to one which is extremely common) but realized later how attached she had been to her ethnic last name. she is grappling with whether to change her name back and thinking about moving HisLast to her middle name.
i am totally a feminist and for me there wasn't a question about whether i was going to change my name or not. i wasn't going to change it--i think my husband would have been disappointed if I decided to take his name. Keeping your name is very common in my profession and my social circle as well....to the point when I am actually a little surprised when I meet a woman who has changed her name to her husband's. I don't judge it though, because have all kinds of reasons for doing things they do, like my friend who changed her name to get rid of the name of her abusive father.
It often seems to me, though, that people who think it is "just a name, what's the big deal' are people who freak over the idea of the dude changing his name instead. Culturally names are a HUGE deal--hence immigrants who take on American names or give their children American names rather than ethnic names, or descendants of slaves who change their last name so they no longer have the same name as their ancestors' slavemaster.
My parents and my MIL are completely perplexed by my keeping my name but I view it as a generational thing.
I had a hard time giving up my last name and thought about hyphenating it and I remember my best friend begging me not to. She was given a hyphenated name at birth and throughout school, appointments, college and so on, it was a complete pain. People couldn't find records or made the first part her middle name, even though she had a middle name. She's a very practical person and not one to complain, so I took her opinion seriously. So that's an opinion from somebody who did not chose it.
If you plan to have kids, I would have the same last name as your husband. I talk to kids everyday and work in a school and it's just nicer for everybody, INCLUDING your children, when the parents have the same last name.
I'm not including my feelings about how we have to change our names and I could go on about that--- this is just my practical answer.
I am so confused as to how this whole system is sexist and even more so how keeping your maiden name is sexist!! Yes, it would be sexist if it still signified ownership, but it doesn't.
What about racism? I don't know about your lineage, but a lot of names that have originated in this country have deep roots in racism. Many african americans are keeping their last names every those are the last names given to their ancestors by their owners! Yet many african americans kept their names for a million reasons. They don't feel "owned" by their names and it can be considered a badge of honor as well as direct line to your past.
Why would you want to completely erase any connection to any struggles. What if your great aunt helped to lead women's suffrage rights movement? If you remove any connection to your lineage by coming up with an entirely NEW name it's very possible that your children and grand children will never learn about your family's history.
Hyphenating is fine, I can even understand keeping a married name if you have a career (but since when does a new name really kill your career?? If you are that well known you will be fine)
Name merging isn't just about your new family. Its about lineage - both yours AND your husbands. Just because there's one person in hundreds of years of lineage that you don't like isn't a good enough excuse to not want to take it.
I have to also say that I changed my name for my husband and I'm not particularly in LOVE with my FIL or MIL (even even the rest). I also lost my dad the year I got married. I had a moment about 1 year in that I wanted to go back.. but you know what, it was a moment.. So maybe sit on it a while. I still miss my maiden name, but I know it's never entirely gone.. As someone pointed out earlier.. You are what you were on the birth certificate and married names are still technical aliases/
I think some feminists over think everything. I would consider myself feminist in that I dont do ANYTHING because I am forced but I do love to make my husband happy (and he does the same for me). I am strong and educated and my husband and I own a business together. Its one of those things..
" "I changed my name on my licence and kept it on my social security card and passport. So I fly (domestically) on my married name and bank and pay taxes on my maiden name. "
I did this as well, more as an oversight in regards to the SSN.
BUT, be prepared for the IRS to contact you, it took them a few years but I did receive a letter that my taxes would not be filed as the name on my taxes was different that what was with my SSN. So at that point I had to change my SSN. "
Yes that doesn't quite make sense. I had an interesting situation in regards to this as I hyphenated my name on my marriage license and when I went to change my name everywhere ran into some problems.
Basically the SSN office has limits for the length of the names:
First: 16 characters
Middle: 16 characters
Last: 21 characters
My last name was 22 characters and the incompetent people at the office and on the phone could not help me. I mean there's got to be others out there with the problem of having too long of a name. Anyway, eventually I found someone at a SSN booth at a college who seemed competent and explained that if I just keep everything in my maiden name then I'd be fine and for tax purposes and everything else so I just kept my same name even though my marriage license has it hyphenated.
So long story short, even though the MN people say I'd legally changed my name, for all intensive purposes it had not changed.
I too grappled with the decision. I like my name, it was mine, and I wanted to keep it so it was either hyphenate or keep it. I concluded that since the two of us were becoming one that I should hyphenate it. Plus my mom kept her name and sometimes it was confusing for people which can be a good thing sometimes and a bad thing sometimes, but anyway, with the hypenation I could keep my name but also share my name with my husband and eventually my kids. Alas, after I had finally come to being good with that decision, I couldn't even change my name!
It can be costly to change your name, depends on the state. But it will be time consuming as you probably know from changing it in the first place.
If we both change our names, that IS equal.
Me changing MY name is NOT equal. I am the only one who is sacrificing. Plus, it still leaves the kids' last name issue.
My opinion comes from the fact that I grew up with my mom have two different last names and everyone constantly calling her by my Dad's last name. I did not want my children to go through that, and although, I think people are more careful about it now, I want to give my children pride in their last name.
My husband wanted me to keep my last name because he appreciates how society is changing and thinks it is very admirable when a women keeps her last name, especially for career purposes. So I compromised and hyphenated my middle and my last name. This is also because I want to name one of our children that name one day. (My maiden name is Taylor).
So to keep it short, I think you have several options not just hyphenating or going back. I would find something, that you and your husband are comfortable with and tailor it to compromise the situation. I hope this helps and good luck figuring out what works for you!
But, how is it not sexist when YOU are the ONLY one changing names?
he is NOT happy. he says I can change my name to whatever I want, he's not overly thrilled about it but still. but, he will not change his name and I don't want the kids to have his last name
If he's happy, I'm unhappy and vice versa.
Tradition = sexist.
Why doesn't the man take the wife's name?
I want a whole new last name but H won't do it.
THANK YOU!
This is exactly what I want to do! :-)