Same-Sex Households
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Poll: If you have unsupportive family members...
Do you just suck it up and go visit them during the holidays because you feel like you have to? Do other relatives try to guilt you into visiting the people you'd rather just avoid?
Re: Poll: If you have unsupportive family members...
Do you just suck it up and go visit them during the holidays because you feel like you have to?
Occaisionally. We try to avoid going out of our way to see unsupportive family members. We may spend time with them at family gatherings hosted by neutral or supportive parties, but we generally refuse to make a special trip. For example, we used to stay with my sister and see family all together, but we wouldn't go to my grandma's house while we were in town. If the unsupportive folks are the ones hosting the gathering, we usually skip it and find something else to do (this is what we're doing this year). Over time (several years), this strategy has resulted in fewer family members being willing to be openly unsupportive, b/c it makes their issues w/ us visible, makes them look bad and puts pressure on them (from other family members) to be less openly hostile. Still, there are a few very intolerant and toxic members of DW's family that she has cut out of her life altogether.
Do other relatives try to guilt you into visiting the people you'd rather just avoid?
DW's mom does this a lot. Her family is small so avoidance/conflict is much more visible. I probably would have caved if it was me, but she had to deal with a lot of crap from them when she was younger and has learned to stand her ground. My parents used to do the guilt trip thing a lot, but gave up in my late 20s.
I am a total ideologue and probably more hard-line than most, but no, I wouldn't visit unsupportive relatives. Hell, I don't even visit or make an effort to keep in contact with relatives who said they were supportive of us as a couple but didn't support our choice to get married young. My grandmother is the only relative not supportive of the gay thing, and since she lives in Portugal it's much less of a confrontational thing. I do call her and send her gifts and cards for special occasions, but I refuse to lie to her and she has accepted that and complains only minimally when she is confronted with information about my family life.
My other relatives would never guilt me into visiting people who are unsupportive of my relationship. For all my family's faults, they are very supportive and although it makes them sad, they understand exactly why I have no desire to visit my grandmother or my other less supportive relatives and don't push the issue. They are disappointed in the situation, but they realize that I didn't create the problem and that I am merely responding to it in the only way that preserves my own principles and honesty.
If someone refused to acknowledge my relationship I would cut them out, no questions asked. But--as I said before--I'm pretty hardcore and I've been openly out since I was a young teen, so I figure everyone has had ample time to get their act together or face the consequences.
Do you just suck it up and go visit them during the holidays because you feel like you have to?
Sandy is somewhat guilty of this but has really begun to stand her ground on this and I am very proud of her. It's never going to be great with them and as much as this really sucks, we try to not worry too much. We are happy and their problems are their problems.
I am horribly guilty of this as far as my Mom goes. She is self-centered and a real pain in my a&& but I get stuck kind of towing the line because she's my mom and I'm supposed to. UGH. I have backed away from her as much as I can and try not to get trapped. But it's a real challenge.
Do other relatives try to guilt you into visiting the people you'd rather just avoid?
My mom drags me into family functions when I don't want to go. In fact I had a great dry spell where I didn't see any of them for like 7 years. Now all the sudden she is pulling back in. I think they are all getting old and have decided to reach out again before they croak. Awful I know. But sometimes it seems like it must be the truth.
Sandy's family all try to tell her not to worry about her parents and to come WITH me to the "insert gathering name here" and we just don't go. Her Dad especially would be so hateful that without even saying a word he would have her sick with worry and it's just not worth it.
Thank goodness we have each other and a pretty good group of friends!!
I guess I'll answer my own poll!
Do you just suck it up and go visit them during the holidays because you feel like you have to?
I used to do this, but this is the first year when I'm really putting my foot down and not doing it. I don't have many family members who are outwardly unsupportive, but it's more stress than it's worth to make a special visit. If they happen to be around when I'm visiting other family members, I won't sweat it - but I won't go out of my way to see them either.
Do other relatives try to guilt you into visiting the people you'd rather just avoid?
This is one thing I might struggle with. I have a cousin who I'm pretty close to. He doesn't understand why I don't want to go see our grandmother. I've told him it's my decision and I just don't want the stress of dealing with her rude comments and other craziness, but he just says, "She's family, she still loves you. You need to see her." I said we'll just have to agree to disagree for now. There's more to it than just the anti-gay stuff - IMO she really is just a tad crazy and more than once I've just felt like I need to distance myself from her (if anyone wants a specific example, PM me - I don't necessarily want to post everything out here). I haven't really told anyone else I'm not going to see her this year, so we'll see how that goes if/when it comes up.
Well, my family isn't unsupportive in the sense of objecting to my marriage. However, I am estranged from my mother for other reasons. The simplest way to put it was that she took a dislike to me from birth or maybe before. After struggling for 40 years to change her attitude, I just decided that a) I wasn't going to succeed, and b) I had better places to expend my energy.
Do you just suck it up and go visit them during the holidays because you feel like you have to?
No. The only times I have seen my mother since I broke off contact with her in 1994 were at my daughter's bat mitzvah, and at my brother's wedding.
Do other relatives try to guilt you into visiting the people you'd rather just avoid?
Occasionally my father does. However, he is aware that I would have good reasons for being estranged from him, too. (He molested me for years before I left home.) So when I tell him to butt out, he's afraid of me enough to comply.
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Do you just suck it up and go visit them during the holidays because you feel like you have to?
Because my family is unsupportive but I still wanted to maintain some ties to them, I go to see them on Boxing Day only. I miss the big family Xmas dinner every year and have done so for years.