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x-post- Need some advice please
I posted on the bump as well, and I would like to hear what you guys think as well.
I have been divorced with a 50/50 custody agreement in place for about 6 years now. I hate my x-H with a passion, but in general he has been a reasonable good father. Ex-H has been with his girlfriend "K" for about 4 years and they have 1 daughter who is about 1 year old. I really like K. She is good to my son, and I think that she really tries to be the best step mom she can be even though our parenting styles are very different.
So fast forward to this weekend. DS is stressed out about something lately & he finally spills the beans. Apparently his dad and K had a somewhat physical altercation on Thanksgiving. They got in a fight in the car & he motioned like he was going to slap her & tried to kick her out of the car. She refused, and when they arrived at the destination, he pulled her out of the car forcefully. DS ran inside and told his grandma.
His dad has alcohol and anger issues, but has never done something like this. DS is feeling scared to go over there.
But, I have no "real" proof. We have a custody agreement, and I can't just keep him away. I don't know how to bring something like this up to them, as I am sure there will be denial & DS is afraid he will get in trouble for talking.
I feel so incredibly helpless. My ex has a very good friend of the family who is a lawyer and will receive services for free. I have no money and certainly don't know how to navigate this system on my own.
I don't really know what I am asking for, other than I need to find a way to get DS safely out of the situation. Any advice or prayers would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.
Re: x-post- Need some advice please
I wish I had some solid advice to give you. This sounds like a really difficult position to be in, and I commend you for trying to think this through and do the right thing for your DS.
Taking a stab at it... I guess my first inclination would be to talk to your Ex-H (and possibly "K"). I'd approach it from a non-accusatory angle. Maybe say something like "DS came to me the other day feeling very troubled and upset about a argument he says he witnessed happening between you two on Thanksgiving.** He has expressed some apprehension about going back to your home, and I'm sure you'll agree that's not a good thing. I certainly don't want to meddle in your relationship, and I sympathize with the fact that conflict happens between couples. But, out of concern for DS, perhaps we should consider making an agreement to not fight with others in front of him. Clearly it's something he's very sensitive to, and I would hate for it to affect him worse than it already is, or affect his relationship with you guys." ** I wouldn't discuss the details. Keep it vague, so Ex-H and "K" don't get embarrassed, and they don't wind up feeling attacked/accused by you which will only make them defensive.
It would probably be an awkward convo to have. But, maybe ex-H needs a reminder that his behavior doesn't go unnoticed by his children. I'd keep the conversation focused on your son and his needs/feelings, don't discuss details (if they bring them up, I'd probably say "the details really aren't important, DS's needs and feelings are all that matters"). They'll know, in their own minds, what really happened and how bad it really was.
Lastly, I'd talk to your son about it too. Explain to him that he did the right thing by talking to people about it, and that he should never feel too afraid to come to you with anything that's bothering him. I'd explain that sometimes grown-ups argue. But I'd also tell him that, from what he told you, it sounds like the argument got very out of hand, and it's never okay to hit, push, pull on, etc. someone you care about. (My secondary concern is what lessons he's learning about how to be a "man" from his father.) Ideally, ex-H would talk to DS to apologize and explain that what happened was a mistake and wrong.
Then continue to monitor the situation. If you find out such behavior is continuing, log it and then consider taking legal action if needed to protect your son.
What a horrible situation
I'm not sure if any advice I have will make sense or even apply. I dont really know how custody works, but is there a rep or someone that you can talk to prior to talking to your ex? As in, who monitors the custody agreement? I would think there has to be some sort of assistance program to help a custody situation if an attorney is not an option??? (If theres not, there should be)
Also, maybe you can talk to your son and reassure him that he did the right thing by talking to you.
I'm sorry I dont really have any better advice, but I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
i think you really need to at least try to have a conversation with your ex and his gf. would it be helpful to have your husband along too, so it could be all four of you? or some impartial third party both you and ex like who doesn't have a stake in this but would be willing to mediate? maybe your son's counselor? like dani said, i'd keep the conversation focused on your son's needs/feelings and being vague would make it easier BUT you really need to find a way to address the impact of your ex's violent behavior and the fact that this really upset your son and he doesn't feel safe at their home because of this argument. i cannot think of any way to do that that won't make your ex and his gf defensive/angry. your kids is already having behavioral problems... throwing borderline (if not outright) domestic violence into the mix is only going to make it worse. i would hope if his father knew that it would motivate him to modify his behavior. at minimum you need to document this, start a log, so if, god forbid, you need to go to court you have a record.
i'm sorry you're stuck dealing with this, megan. you already have enough on your plate! i was glad to see in the bump responses that he's not going to spending more time at his dad's like you had thought about doing.