Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
How to Help BIL?
Before I get too far and forget?I know I can?t fix everything though I would love to, I would, however, like some advice as to how to approach a stubborn BIL who does want the best for his kids, just doesn?t know how to do it.
My BIL is a great guy, hard worker and good heart, has 2 children who are still young. He got divorced a couple of years ago and since has had a hard time keeping on his feet. He doesn?t make a lot, he?s a tradesman and while he could make more if he lived somewhere else, he?d never see his kids, which is far more important. He splits the time with the Ex 50/50 (usually has them more than that, and has no complaints about that J) He?s paying child support and makes less and has the kids more, the difference isn?t enough to make the state change the settlement until their 5 year date comes around, and he can?t afford a lawyer. His vehicle isn?t in good shape and he?s in need of something better (The family is working on that).
It?s at the point where we know he needs help, but he won?t accept it. We know he needs some general counseling, but he won?t talk to anyone except me. I?m good with that, but I?m not trained and I know he?s got a lot of hurt/anger to work out and doesn?t know how to go about it. It?s causing some health problems, which make it even harder to pay the bills. He also has terrible spending habits, ok well not the worst, but it?s the little things that get him.
We all want to help him, but I don?t know how to get through to him that accepting help, whether it be counseling, monetary, classes on financial management, etc., doesn?t mean that you?re doing something wrong, that in fact to keep him healthy, a roof over his head, and a better relationship with his children it?s a good thing to do.
He?ll talk to me for hours, I came into the family after much of the Ex drama so I?m more unbiased than the rest I guess. Anyway, I don?t know how to steer from letting him vent it all to getting him to seek/accept the help he needs. Thanks in advance!
Re: How to Help BIL?
The moment you shift from being caring listener to acttion advocate, he'll clam up and get distant.
It's nice to talk to someone endlessly who who doesn't place demands on you. You can keep doing that, but when you insist upon change, expect him to bail on the long talks.