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Vent: My parents won't leave me out of their divorce!
Technically it's my mom and step-dad, but I say parents because they've been together 17 years (married for 15). I have met my real dad a handful of times ever so this guy is as close as I have to a father figure.
To make a LONG story as short as possible, here's the situation:
They have never been happy together, but they're great at pretending to be the perfect suburban, "keeping up with the Joneses" family. I have known for maybe 10 years how unhappy my mom is but she has only admitted it within the past few months. My step-dad is very controlling and emotionally abusive. He hides affairs, savings/income/money, and whatever else he can. My mom also hides stuff from him like how much she spends, how much debt she's in, and her recent online boyfriends. Their relationship is built on very little truth, and really just the image they work hard to present. Money is tight because of their deceptions, and they filed for bankruptcy a few years ago. All the deceptions and hidden money continued.
Since August they have gone back and forth on whether or not to divorce. They have both been calling, emailing and texting me several times a day asking for advice, and telling me all the gory details that I don't want to know. They are both trying to hurt each other as much as possible, and trying to put me in the middle of it. Now I know they have both hid not just money but affairs, alcoholism, and so many other disturbing things. I have lived out of state for a while, so I had no idea things were really this bad.
I have told them both several times to stop telling me all of this. I don't want to hear it. They'll let off for a couple days, but then she'll get drunk, or need money, or he'll disappear for a few days, or hide her cell phone, or whatever...and the next thing I know I get 20 texts, 10 emails, and 10 phone calls from them in the course of a few hours. I don't know what they want from me and I don't want to get involved. It seems like they both just want an outlet and I'm it since they both refuse to go to more counseling.
Am I right to "step out"? Should I be involved in this? Short of blocking their phone numbers and emails, how do I get them to leave me alone?
Re: Vent: My parents won't leave me out of their divorce!
Because she's my mom and I'll love her no matter what. I am starting to hear a voice of reason though, that if they're making my life this much of a hell I need to be more serious about getting them to leave me alone. I just feel so bad for her and know she has no one else to talk to, but I also resent her for her destructive actions and for refusing to acknowledge that she is not so innocent.
You can love her without giving her access to blow-up your phone and emails with drunken rants.
And as to the bold, YES SHE DOES. There are several competent, trustworthy, effective therapists that she can secure and she CHOOSES not to. She doesn't want to take responsibility for her life and for running it into a ditch. And you can love her without being another victum of her rage and bad behavior. And without being her unpaid, ineffective therapist.
Honestly, you can tell your mother that she can have the privilege of access to your phone and email when she treates it with care and respect. Otherwise, you'll check-in daily or weekly or whatever works for you.
Same for your dad. Stop acting like this isn't a good option for you.
Everything livinitup said.
Don't take it upon yourself to be mom's babysitter. She is not your responsibility. Her marriage is not your responsibility either.
By listening to your mom, you're not helping her. She would be better off talking to a professional - - someone who is able to help your mom with her alcoholism, abusive marriage, money problems. You aren't equipped to deal with any of this (even if you were a trained psychologist, it's difficult to handle your own family).
Tell your mom "I can't help you with your divorce. You need to see a lawyer, or at least a therapist to help you make choices."
Then block or refuse to answer her calls / texts / emails.