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Irrationally upset
I had a 23 year old cousin who got married 2 months before me to a hassidic Jew. (I'm 28, the oldest grandkid on this side of the family, and also jewish, but not THAT level of jewish.) She got married before me - fine. It's not a race, and while no one in my family really approves of the marriage due to a) the huge lifestyle change for her, b) the shortness of their relationship, and c) the fact that they have no money and can't really support themselves other than his doctoral student stipend because she can't find a job, it's what they wanted to do, so they did. We attended the wedding and gave them a gift and wished them the best.
They swore they weren't going to try to get pregnant for quite a few years - until he had finished school. Well, guess what my mother just called and told me? You guessed it. She's pregnant, due in June, and I'm pissed.
Yes, I know this is extremely irrational, but I really thought that I would be having the first grandkid/great grand kid of our generation. It hurts. A LOT. I can't explain, and I don't mean to be insulting you guys who are younger. But from a slightly older person's perspective, who waited to finish school and get my professional life together and wait until I could AFFORD to raise a child, I'm really really hurt. They can't afford a kid. Everyone in my family is like WTF. We know their finances and it's just plain to see that they don't have the money for a child.
I don't know what I mean to come of this. And I know I'm really irrationally upset. But I have to get this out and maybe one of you can help calm me down and talk some sense into me? Or maybe, in some tiny smidge in the back of your brain, the way I'm feeling makes some kind of twisted sense?
RIP Dr. Irving Fishman - 10/1/19-7/25/10 - thank you for holding on for me.
You made my wedding day complete.
Re: Irrationally upset
I'd like to start with, I know entirely where you are coming from I won't go into gruesome details, but.....this makes total sense to me.
That being said, you have the right to be upset, because it sounds like they are being irresponsible. You are entitled to your feelings, and no one should tell you otherwise. You also have the right to be hurt if you thought that you would be the first to have kids in your generation, beacuse a lot of that "first baby" excitement will be spent on them, and if I were in your shoes, I'd be pretty upset too.
Instead, think of it this way - when you and your H are ready for kids and announce your pregnancy, your families will be happy because they will know you are ready and that you will be bringing a baby into a home that is ready for this change and comittment. There won't be confusion or "WTF" from your family, and it will be an incredibly happy occasion. Once you have had time to think it over, you will be able to do the "right" thing and observe all the niceities when necessary, and know in the back of your head that you will never make your family worry for you, your H and your future kids like this. You will save them the heartache that it sounds like they are having over your cousin's baby.
I know this was somewhat rambly, but I hope it helped in some way. If you need to talk somemore or vent, feel free to PM me. I know all too well how you are feeling.
Is this the cousin who claimed she couldn't come to your wedding because she couldn't use the key card at the hotel or some crazy thing like that? Or maybe I'm misremembering.
Either way, I can understand you being upset about it, but I definitely don't think that all the new-baby energy of your family will be spend on crazy cousin's baby.
I think I felt similarly when, a year before us, my cousin got married to a girl he hadn't known for all that long (DH and I had been dating for 4 years before they even met!) and my whole family was super excited for their wedding. But, they were just as excited for ours, and I know that DH and I made the right choice in not rushing into our marriage and really just taking our time.
You guys are making the right choice in waiting to start your family, and you definitely won't regret it!
I'm the same age as your cousin, and I totally understand what you mean!
I am in no situation to be having babies. H and I can't afford to live on our own, and bringing a child into this world wouldn't be fair.
I'm sending you a hug.
Your cousin sucks.
DH's kid sister got preggers when she was 19, and to this day doesn't know who the father is. It sucks, and she had it VERY tough for the first year of Jordyn's life, but it might've been the best thing that happened to her. She's got her life on track now, and went to school on a government program and has a career.
By all means though, it's definitely okay to feel how you're feeling. If they were TTC, then it's not very responsible on her part. They are going to struggle, and I hope things work out for them, but from what you say, it's going to be a tough go at it.
My GM always says, you need a license to drive a car, but nothing to raise a child.
Keep the vents coming, hun! That's what we're here for
July 10, 2010 Best. Day. Of. Life.
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I am a gluten-free, gun-toting wife! :P
I love you, Daddy...2/24/1953 to 2/13/2011
I can understand you being upset, but I think a previous post said it well. Look at what an uproar this is causing in your family. When it is your time to share this news, your family will be genuinely happy and excited for you and DH.
That being said, try not to get caught up in the "I'm oldest, it should be me" game. You are being thoughtful and responsible regarding your choices. Sometimes these things happen, purposely or accidentally, but that is for your cousin to deal with in her way. You and your DH still need to do what is best for you!
If they're so orthodox...why would she even say that they were going to wait to have babies, or weren't going to "try"? They don't use BC and basically feel that if it happens, it's the will of G-d. ??? Almost sounds as if she already knew and was just trying to her family off her back about the marriage.
I agree with PP about the fact that when you and your hubby have babies...it's going to be a truly joyous occasion. Not a big broohaha like this is. (Plus...I like using the word "broohaha"!!!) XD
And at least when you and hubby have babies...those kids will be raised in a stable place in life, with support, and love...Best gift you can give them!
Wow I can definitely understand why you're upset. I agree with what all the PP said, that at least you and your family know that when it is your turn to have a baby, you will be ready financially and emotionally, to take care of it and provide it with the best possible childhood.
The sad thing is is that she probably has no idea what she's getting into, and when that baby comes it'll probably be a rude awakening. I would just keep on venting to us and try to be as happy as possible for her, and when your time comes it will be that much happier because you will truely be ready!!
Hi ladies - sorry about the post and run - my work hours are nuts and I can't nest from work.
I'm definitely calmer than I was last night, although it definitely sucks. Tail, yes, this is the same cousin who almost didn't come to the wedding.
I would NEVER express this to her, she's got enough on her plate right now! I think what it came down to for me, and this is something that I know need to let go of, is that I had some basic life milestones I had hoped to hit by certain ages. And other than graduating from college, I haven't hit ANY of them. Which blows. It also blows that not only have I not hit them, I'm not going to be hitting any of them for at least a few years, and because we're choosing to be responsible, I can't do anything about it.
I really worry about her. And I really hope she's not going to wake up in a year or five or ten and ask, WTF did I do with my life? Because we all have this nagging feeling that that is EXACTLY what is going to happen.
RIP Dr. Irving Fishman - 10/1/19-7/25/10 - thank you for holding on for me.
You made my wedding day complete.
I completely agree with all of this and wanted to add...I know how you feel. I was going to be the first in my family to get married and then my cousin had a quickie wedding in his back yard 2 months before my wedding. I kept telling myself it was fine, because I would at least have the first baby (he married a woman with 2 kids) but, nope, they just had the first baby-a girl- last week. It was hard but, I just remind myself that they are struggling and will continue to while DH and I are ready for a baby (or as ready as you could be) and we will be having the first boy.