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How to deal with his Porn Addiction?
Hi ladies! Normally I would start off with a post introducing myself to the board, but I'm so worked up at the moment I need to get this out.
DH and I have been married for 6 months, and have been together for nearly 7 years. We both come from a Christian background and have been raised with an understanding that viewing pornography is wrong, destructive and adulterous to your spouse. With that said, please understand that I am speaking only for my beliefs- I mean no offense nor dissrespect to anyone who feels differently. That is your right and I have no desire to force my opinions onto anyone else.
Shortly after we were married (about two months) our sex life began to feel strained, forced even. I knew something was wrong, but I just couldn't put my finger on it. Was it me? My body? For months I tried to communicate with him, work on the problem together, but I ended up getting nowhere.
Last night he came to me and confessed that the reason he has been so dissinterested in sex is because he is addicted to pornography and has been satisfying himself that way rather than coming to me. I didn't know what to do- it felt like he had slapped me in the face and told me I wasn't good enough for him. I know I am pretty emotionally charged right now, but I just feel so hurt, angry and betrayed. I don't know whether to confront him and tell him how badly this has hurt me, or to put my own feelings aside, thank him for fessing up, and focus on trying to get him help.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Any help/advice would be very appreciated!
Re: How to deal with his Porn Addiction?
I don't know whether to confront him and tell him how badly this has hurt me, or to put my own feelings aside, thank him for fessing up, and focus on trying to get him help.
why can't you do both?
You need to get over yourself. He finds porn more interesting and arousing than you!.......If he found YOU more interesting and arousing than the porn you would not have had a problem or even been aware of anything.
As a man I have never seen, or been able to imagine any porn that could replace a real, live and responsive woman.....but I've met several women who would have found porn a challenge despite claiming to be alive .......
This. I think that you absolutely need tell him how you feel about this. Part of being in a relationship/married is being honest with one another. And if you expect him to be honest with you about his feelings, isn't it only fair that you are honest with him? Besides, if you hold this in, you will become resentful, which will do nothing to improve your relationship. Tell him what you think/how you feel and then ask him how you can help him get through this.
I think this is a bit harsh, especially when she already feels hurt and betrayed.
Honestly, I think masturbating to porn can become such a habitual thing for some people (men and women) that it's harder to break the habit than most people might think.
OP -- Try to get him to abstain from porn for one week, or whatever amount of time you think is reasonable, then see how this changes your sex lives together. Your husband's problem is that he's not seeking you out for sexual gratification, but instead goes to pornography just out of habit. He needs to make you his "default choice" (for lack of a better phrase) when it comes to satisfying his sexual needs, and the pornography should be the alternative, not the other way around.
well, I bet many women who have been with you NEED porn!
Out of curiousity did you guys wait to have sex until marriage? I only ask because if so, maybe he keeps going to the porn because he is used to it and it's easier than a real woman right in front of him. With porn, he only has to watch and satisfy himself. With a woman he has to satisfy her as well and the challenge may intimidate him.
This is just a shot in the dark. I thought maybe your religious beliefs might also include waiting for marriage. If this isn't the case, then disregard.
Either way, I think some couple's therapy would be helpful as you figure this out together. HTH!
i don't have any real advice. i just wanted to tell you that i'm sorry that you're going through this and that i think with a good dose of communication and effort on both parts that this can be worked through. he came to you about it, so he is aware that it is a problem of sorts. i think that's a good thing.
also, i like the way you worded your post. it was very respectful of everyone's opinions and beliefs, and i appreciate the consideration. not that it matters. but i just thought i would point it out.
best of luck to you!
Thank you very much for your replies!
After a few hours to calm down I'm feeling much more level headed about the whole situation.
- I didn't want to confront him at the time because he was so broken when he came to me and admitted it. In the nearly 7 years we have been together I have seen him cry on very few occasions and yet he cried as he told me. It felt as though confronting him would just heap more shame onto his shoulders. However, I do agree with you that it's necessary. Once we begin to sit down and talk about it, I need to get my feelings out.
- Yes, we did wait until marriage to have sex. And that is a very interesting point you brought up. This very well may be something that was carried over from before we were married.
* Also I would like to note that I understand things can be skewed by description. My husband is one of the most honourable, caring, loving men I know. Yes, he knew it was wrong. But he's also human, and I understand that. Just because you know you are not to do it doesn't mean it's not enjoyable. I am in no way excusing it, but I can understand where he's coming from.
When he gets home tonight I will be suggesting some couples/sex therapy. He has asked to have Safe Eyes placed onto our home computer and his Iphone to help in his recovery. I'm proud of him for coming clean, but that doesn't take away the hurt. Thank you all again, your replies have been greatly appreciated.
And to you who told me to "get over myself". That was hurtful and unnecessary. I prefaced my post by clearly stating I meant no disrespect to anyone who believed pornography to be acceptable. I then went on to describe my efforts towards communication, and subsequent feelings of pain and betrayal. As someone who has neither met me, nor knows anything about me in that regard, who are you to imply that I am "boring" enough to "force" him to stray like that? Your post was that of an immature and aggresive child, and I can only hope you mature eventually.
I'm guessing he doesn't really think it's morally wrong (or doesn't feel strongly about it...kind of like not coming to a complete stop at a stop sign is illegal, but we all do it) and just told her this because he knew she felt that way.
Just my 2 cents, but I think much of the difficulty here stems from an antiquated view towards pornography.
Antiquated in what way? I would agree with your statement if I had simply swallowed the beliefs of my parents without a single thought of my own, or prior examination. However my feelings about pornography are my own. Looking at anyone other than your spouse in a lustful way is morally repugnant to me. Thought preceeds action, and so to look at another sexually, you may as well go out and be with another physically. Either way your heart has strayed.
That is not to say that you cannot notice beauty or physical attractiveness in others. If something is pleasing to look at, people notice. We enjoy beautiful things. The separating factor here is lust. We make a choice to place sexual feelings onto someone. It is my opinion that the only someone to be recieving those feelings is your spouse.
Just because many people disagree with it, doesn't make the belief that pornography is wrong (and a form of adultery) antiquated. A better example of that [an antiquated belief] would be the stance many take against same-sex marriage.
Ignore oldbugle. He's a moron and most of us ignore him too.
Sweetpea......
If yo want to purposely misunderstand what I posted that is, or course, your privaledge........
.....However, somewhere in sortin things out you will HAVE to look at exactly WHY he has been looking at porn......
And to you who told me to "get over myself". That was hurtful and unnecessary. I prefaced my post by clearly stating I meant no disrespect to anyone who believed pornography to be acceptable. I then went on to describe my efforts towards communication, and subsequent feelings of pain and betrayal. As someone who has neither met me, nor knows anything about me in that regard, who are you to imply that I am "boring" enough to "force" him to stray like that? Your post was that of an immature and aggresive child, and I can only hope you mature eventually.
Sweetpea just ignore him. He is a complete moron with nothing important to say about any topic.
Seriously, leave her alone. The fact that he has an addiction problem is not her fault and don't try to blame it on her. That's not what she needs right now.
Sweetpea, don't pay him any mind. Seriously, most of the ladies around don't.
OK,..I hear all the outrage and irritation....
So, WHY then?
WHY does this man prefer to pull his pudding over porn when his sweet and luscious wife lies naked spreadeagled on black satin sheets in the next room....??
It's not like she is self-righteous or anything.......
And, she must have said "stroke my body and tell me your innermost fantasies and desires because I'm your loving wife" ......or similar.
As a Christian, the best thing I ever did to understand my husband (who is also a good, honorable Christian man who, like many men, struggles with lust) was to read Every Man's Battle. Your hubby would probably like it too. It explains the situtaion and gives practical advice to guys. Highly recommended.
Good luck!
There's all sorts of helpful resources to work towards ridding porn addictions there. You can find another recovering addict for an accountability partner, there's addict forums to post with others about your internal conflict, and there's good information to be found, along with a support group similar to alcoholics anonymous would be.
For hurt partners, there's a partners section as well, with much the same resources.
Covenant Eyes is really cheap, but effective accountability software if he truly wants something like that installed on his PC.
Lastly,
http://www.recoverynation.com/ is a great resource for those hurt by addictions of a sexual nature, as well as a good "free" resource for those that are addicted.
I wish you guys the very best. And I think it says something that your husband willingly came forward to get help.
SweetPea,
It is so good that he came to you with a contrite heart and confessed. My own husband has struggled with this topic for a long long time but has come so far from when we married. Talk to him. Be honest yet loving with him. He is very ashamed of what he has done. This is the first step. FroggyFart (what a name!) has some excellent suggestions in getting help. We have Covenant Eyes on our computer too.
At first, when we started dealing with the situation it was very hard for me. This kind of thing was never in my life and I felt so inadequate for him. I didn't understand the draw it had on him but over time I have began to understand him more and more. The periods that he struggles in are becoming farther and farther apart. There is healing to be had, but don't expect it to be overnight. He will most likely relapse from time to time. Remember, it's not your fault. It's his struggle. Of course there are things we as wives can to to help, but we are not sex objects. Self control must be mastered. This is the struggle for him. But if he is as good a man as you say (and I believe you) then he will prevail. The Lord will give him strength if he asks.
Accountability has been one of the best tools we use. That's why we like Covenant Eyes. It sends me and one of his close friends a report every few days of internet activity. You can see exactly what is going on. It's also available for iPhones. I don't know about your religious beliefs if you have any, but we are Catholic and my husband confesses to a priest every time he stumbles. I don't think you have to be Catholic to go to confession, but I'm not sure. Also, the main gist is that telling someone every time he struggles will help in future because he may not be willing to share. I mean can you blame him? Who wants to confess their worst deads done alone? It's embarrassing and humiliating. So when he does tell you, take it gently and lovingly. There will be time for your emotions, don't worry.
As for old bugle, Shut your trap you insensitive-know-nothing of a human! If you have nothing positive to contribute, butt out! SweetPea, don't listen to a damn thing this guy says.
one more thing SweetPea, this porn experience that my husband and I have gone through has made us a closer couple than before. It shook me up when we were newlyweds, but now I feel like we have such a solid foundation in our marriage. Marriage is tough, but so worth it when you have a good man! It makes you want to be a better woman.
So take heart, it feels so bad right now, but keep working on it. It does get better, especially with a man who wants to improve like you have in your husband.
Really? You have no idea what porn addiction is like. This much is obvious from your own self-righteous post. For all you know, she IS behaving like that, but to no avail. Porn addiction causes men to lose satisfaction with ANY REAL woman. For her to strive to be what those floosies are in a video is completely unrealistic. The man makes his own choice. She doesn't make it for him.
Most likely this addiction of his is something he had before they were married. Read: Pre-existing condition. (ie: Not her fault) Can she do things to help him? Sure. Is she the reason he struggles? No.
Last post was to oldbugle.
I'm still trying to figure out how to blog apparently..... Done for now!
Why is one antiquated and not the other? Is it just because you happen to agree with one set of mores and not the other?
Lust is not always a choice. If it were, then puberty would have been much less awkward.
If you want to categorize pornography as a form of adultery, that's fine, but re-inventing the English language is probably not the best way to get helpful advice.
Hello,
I have totally been in the same position. My husband and I are Christians, we saved ourselves for marriage and we both agree that porn is destructive, doesn't belong (at least in our marriage) and qualifies as adultry. We have been married 9 months now and this summer after 4 months of marriage he came to me and told me that he had been viewing porn for the last month. I was shocked and incredibly hurt. It put a huge block between us. I wanted to leave him, but we had just found out that I was pregnant and I didn't think that I could for various reasons. I accepted him, but never really forgave him. He knew how much it hurt me and that I expected it to NEVER happen again. We had set up a number of barriers so that it wouldn't happen again, we moved shortly after and when we moved the barriers didn't really move with us. He fell again and he recently told me that for another month or so he had been looking at porn. This time it was especially devastating to me, he knew how much it hurt me the first time, and he did it again. Before it happened he had told me that he would never even think about doing it when I was at home and I came to learn that he had done it when I was asleep and he had stayed up to do homework (we are both still in college). This was horrible to find out. Anyway this time I was so close to leaving him, I could not sleep in the same bed for 2 nights after hearing. I was so devastated. I had heard a sermon and a number of things came in to play that helped me realize that i needed to give him another chance and forgive him. I am still very hurt and we are going to be going to a marriage counselor for these issues. We have put the protective barriers back up and are going strong. It is difficult because I am the only one who has the password to his computer and it is a reminder every time I type it in of what he did. He knows that if it happens again it is the last straw. It is adultry and the they way I understand it, biblical grounds for divorce and if it happens again I will not accept it. He is committed to not doing it again and he has been very honest with me in his struggles since he told me what he had done.
I just have a few bits of advice and I hope what I have said so far has been helpful to you. You can't harbor resent. it is very hurtful, but you need to forgive him and do your best to move on and to seek to protect your marriage. It was a big step for him to even come to you and tell you what he had been doing and I respect you for not blowing up on him the moment he told you. I did not do that. Considering how he came to you I am sure he loves you very much and he would do anything necessary to avoid doing it again and do anything to protect your marriage. If he is not willing to protect it then you might want to consider ending it because it will probably happen again. Your healing will take time. Also, just because he finds it wrong, does not mean he does not struggle with wanting to view it, it will always be a temptation, it is something that is hardwired in to men and it is a strong temptation that cannot be avoided by even the most pious of men. I still don't understand how it works. It is not the temptation that is the problem, it is what they do about it. No matter what, I am sure he loves you. You need to talk to him about how you are feeling and do whatever you can to protect your marriage.
That was cold,cruel and downright mean.
Quote" qualifies as adultry. We have been married 9 months now and this summer after 4 months of marriage he came to me and told me that he had been viewing porn for the last month. I was shocked and incredibly hurt. " Unquote.
I have to wonder about this line of thinking. Either this is m.u.d. whipped up by some Drama Queen? Or you are so incredibly naive?
A man masturbating is about as surprising as a finding man who is breathing.And he is going to be thinking about or looking at what ever turns him on what ever is handy at the time.
Leaving your husband because he was masturbating? You have to be kidding............................right?