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In Law Boundries-vent
My MIL has always been a pushy pain in the rump. I'm not sure anyone has ever told her no and she makes common practice of using guilt to manipulate DH into doing what she wants. Her choice not to respect boundries is a constant source of annoyance in our home.
We recently moved closer to DH parent's not that we really ever lived that far away. We have been in our new home less than a month. Last Friday DH got an email from his mother complaining that she doesn't see us enough. He responded (and I am so thankful that he took a stand) with we have seen you every weekend since we moved (including 7 hours on Thanksgiving). We are trying to be respectful of everyone's time and personal space (hint hint). She got mad and told him that she didn't want to see us more often than we wanted. DH felt horrible (as he has been conditioned to do) and told her its not that we don't want to see them, but we are busy with work, school (we both are getting our master's degree), unpacking the house, etc. and that it was important for us to have some down time to ourselves.
She never replied and hasn't talked to him since or responded to any of his emails.
I don't know how to deal with this. In my family if you are a pushy PITA then you are told you are a pushy PITA. I am so tired of her games and I don't really want to be around them at all. We are seriously considering going away for Christmas to avoid the drama.
I fear that if we are not successful in establishing boundries now that when we have kids we will need to move across the country to avoid his family. I want him to have a good relationship with his family, but I don't want them involved in every detail of our lives.
Re: In Law Boundries-vent
She throws fits because it works. She's mad, and so your DH is now desperately trying to make her happy again.
When she gives him the silent treatment, he needs to just let him. The world won't end, seriously. And I would bet a million bucks that when she realizes that he is not going to come crawling back that she drops the silent treatment act.
He also needs to stop trying to justify everything to her - that indicates that she actually has a point.
I also don't understand why you would move closer to the woman.
Oh Lord, do we have similar MILs. My MIL has a similar MO - push, push, push and whine, whine, guilt, guilt, guilt if she does not get her way.
She told my husband recently that she would much prefer seeing us everyday - we currently see them about every two weeks. He told her that is not going to happen.
My husband is getting much better at not taking her bait. If she wants to stew, let her stew. We tend to strategize before events with my inlaws. This way we have predetermined topics that are off-limits and topics to which we can divert the conversation. That way there is a consistent message. If my MIL gets really pushy, my husband tells her to stop.
It still is not a perfect situation. We are trying to work out boundaries that work for everyone, but we're getting there.
If he doesn't, then you have a DH problem, not an MIL problem.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Honestly - it sounds a little odd to me that you're complaining about her invading your alone time and then you're also complaining about her disappearing. Can't have it both ways... know what I mean?
I understand where you're coming from completely but I guess my advice is to a)not engage her. b) don't defend your choices to her. c) enjoy the alone time you have while she's throwing her temper tantrum at her house and giving you the silent treatment! My MIL did this a little bit when DH and I moved in together. We ignored it and she has since stopped.
If you engage her or defend your choices, she wins. You, and your DH, have given her all the control. Habits are difficult to change but your DH needs to come to realize the method behind her madness. Only then will you both successfully be able to navigate this minefield of a problem. You can't really say anything to her about it - you'll only make things worse. Is she a pushy pain in the butt - of course she is! A large one! But unless your DH is able to break the cycle of push, guilt, tantrum, you'll never get anywhere. She does it because it normally gets what she wants.
"I fear that if we are not successful in establishing boundries now that when we have kids we will need to move across the country to avoid his family. I want him to have a good relationship with his family, but I don't want them involved in every detail of our lives."
MIL could find a way to move near you again and then what do you do? If you want to move across the country, do it because you really want to live in a particular state. I'm really sorry to say you cannot control which state your in-laws live in. (A few years ago DH and I gave strong consideration to moving across the country, but changed our minds after research and I did fall in love with where we live now. Separately, MIL constantly would constantly imply she'd be moving with us if we moved across the country.)
I think a good idea would ask your DH to agree to go to marriage counseling with you before you TTC. You should feel comfortable within your marriage before you TTC, and if he can't agree to marriage counseling then you shouldn't TTC. (And have DH not tell his mother about the marriage counseling either. How annoying would be if he told his mom about marriage counseling, and the whole point of marriage counseling is because he overshares with his mom...) He might laugh at the idea of marriage counseling and think you both can solve the problems between the two of you, but stay firm and let him know you're very serious. I think it's the responsible thing to do to work on any marriage issues before adding children to the mix, and he should respect you for being proactive.
Holy immaturity!
You are not alone; I have similar problems with my own mother, which has been a huge source of stress for me and for my husband. I am actually in therapy to sort through these issues.
Although it is definitely not ideal, perhaps the best option is to avoid your mother-in-law. I have had to do this with my own mother, at my therapist's recommendation, and it has made a huge difference in my life.
My therapist tells me that you are not obligated to please anybody; concentrate on your own life. I grew up being a people-pleaser, and it has done no good for me. All it does it create stress and anxiety, strained relationships, and even tension in your marriage.
In summary, my advice would be to simply cut her off until she is ready to act like an adult and respect your boundaries. There is no reason to give in to her demands; this is her problem, not yours.
And you and your husband should definitely get away over the holidays. It will give you some quality time to just relax and enjoy each other without feeling obligated to please anyone but yourselves.
While I agree with most of the posts - in that your MIL needs to "respect your boundries" - i don't think an e- mail is an invasion.. it's not like she is droping by.. or calling with schedules plans that you need to show up for.
ya know, - be happy they want to see you, spend time with you, not everyone has that.. have dinner, play cards, bake cookies - have her over to the new house.. go out shopping with her.. for mundane house things. Anything.. maybe she just wants to be or feel included with you and your husband. But even if you don't want to, don't fault him if he wants to run over for dinner and you want to stay home and work on research or something - they are his family.
If.. if she is that bad of a person..then just stay the heck away from her
Clearly Matt-Brandy, you do not have in-law issues...
ok i'm not sure why that posted 3 times, but anyway - we have the opposite problem. My mom is the pushy MIL. I learned long ago that when my mom tries to put on a guilt trip, to just ignore her. It's like a child throwing a temper tantrum. At the same time, I know that my mom is home without any of her children, and like Matt-Brady says, she just wants to be included in our lives because she's afraid that now that I'm married, we won't be as close.
My advice to you is to NOT reply and defend yourself in emails and just to pretend that nothing is wrong and visit her on the weekend like you normally would. This will throw her off totally, and make her realize that she is being a PITA, getting pissy for nothing whiile you didn't even notice.
omg i think our MIL are the same
mine is so interfering that i hate her now and same mu DH feels gulty when she says that we dont see her.....but she does that on purpose
try to put sense in your DH that you celebrate chrisTmas