Caribbean Nesties
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Let's talk about MEEEE!
oh hey look i stopped by at the perfect time! unfortunately. but anyway.
i just talked to a lawyer and yes, whatever was accrued during the life of the marriage for either 401k, (all earnings, not just what was contributed) is 1/2 yours (or his). it gets hairy when trying to split it up though. they have to file a QDRO (which only some lawyers do) and it costs $1k to file and is a pain in the ass apparently.
as for my advice for you? i dont know much of the back story but from what ive just read... leave and dont wait around. the damage has been done and i hate to say it, but chances are... things will never be as they were. or it would take years and years to repair. that may be harsh but i dont think you should waste your time. i have wasted tons and tons of time trying to fix something that didnt want fixing. eff that noise.
(let me conclude that im not married to a normal human being so take my advice with a grain of salt.)
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
Oh sheet! I didn't prepare an award acceptance speech or anything.
Srsly though, I'm really sorry to hear that. Especially since you said you've put so much effort into making things work. You get the dog, right? If not, I will help you dognap him.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
ha! everyone keeps saying that but no, i will be a nice mom and share. i would be screwing over my pup by not letting them see each other. it makes me more sad to think of those two not together more than me and kevin not together, so i couldnt do that to either of them.
as for me and kevin, i know i tried my hardest. he might suffer but that will be by his own choices. and to be honest, i checked out a LONG time ago. so far, this process is more bringing weight off my shoulders than sadness. that might sound sad in itself, but i will be WAY better off.
Does this happen in threes like celebrity deaths?
Sorry, EmJo. What happened with you guys? I'm glad you sound like you're at peace with it. I am definitely getting on board with, 'Wait, WTF, I need someone who is willing to fight to keep me like I'm willing to fight.' I guess I'm still open to the possibility he'll do that, but in the way that I'm also open to the possibility that unicorns exist. My logical brain knows better. Call me any time if you want to talk, boo.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
i need your number. or maybe i could fly down, cuz boozing it up in person would be fun. haha but anyway. we'll have to fb to get digits. and im sorry, too.
but, lets see. hes been sketchy for a while. we were going to have a housewarming, so i went on our desktop to download some tunes and the computer suddenly had a password. that piqued my interest and the idiot chooses our regular bank password so i check the history. some motherfvcking 'fling' website comes up. i click on a history link and this douche is lying about who he is, what he does, where he lives. like w t f w t f w t f. i bring it up and he denies it all. mostly, i get pissed that he is insulting my intelligence. so i say, we've over. there's no fixing this *** and i DO NOT want an STD from a whore down the road. he says hes not happy and suggests we see a therapist. i think on it and agree. i had low hopes, but again, ill try anything. a week passes while i had been asking if anyone had called back yada yada. he says no one is responding. another week goes by and i say, seriously?!?! from all these supposed emails and phone calls and NOT ONE has responded? so then he admits he doesnt want to talk to anyone. so i fight it again, like WHY would you not want to help yourself? WHY would you not want to better yourself? you have headaches every day from all of the lies you try to keep up with! and your effing guilty conscience just chillin there like wtf!
so we decided to get divorced but live together until the new year and then make big decisions yada yada. well on dec 6th i find out this asshat has used 682 of our 700 monthly minutes. IN SIX DAYS?! and its all to one number. ay yi yi. so i confront and say i know he has a gf. he says, no i dont. i say, im sorry, you have a friend thats a girl who you've spent 682 minutes chatting with in the last 6 days. no response. cha ching! so yeah. its getting more and more difficult. but i still dont hate him for some reason. maybe its all this alcohol im assuming in the meantime. haha
whew that was long.
Husbands should be like Kleenex: Soft, strong, and disposable.
Given his lying and probable cheating, I would not be inclined to try to make his telling his family easier on him. Let him lie in the bed he made for himself.
Sorry Fent and Emjo. I don't have any wise advice to offer but I can loan you a very destructive dog to help you tear apart all their favorite stuff.
Emjo-Wait, you were planning a house warming, so how long ago did you buy a house? I'd be in a rage just over going through the hassle of buying a house right before deciding on divorce. Add in the other stuff and I don't think there'd be enough booze in Jersey to mask my hate.
EmJO I am so sorry. I concur with Fallin, let him lie in the bed he made.
Fenton, I don't know what to say, but i think the advice that has been passed around is good. I do think that he in many ways has not gone off to think. He ran home t Mom where he doesn't have to think or do anything. He is being coddled and nothing more. I think you have to make the decision that is best for you. You should not haveto be walking on eggshells the rest of your life for him.
You could always invite his mom over one night and not tell him she's coming. Then tell her in front of him. That way you get to give the real story (not that you left THEN he got the gf, which I'm sure he'll be tempted to say) and he has to deal with the immediate fallout from his mom's reaction.
That's probably super unhealthy, but that's what I'd do. I've talked to Twan's mom a couple of times. He told her that I asked him to leave. I said, That's an interesting way of putting it, I think it was more like, "I can tell you want to move out so you might as well just do it." I also called his cousin who I'm close to and told her everything, so he won't be getting away with blaming me to the extended family either.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
OMG fenton. yeah, i see him saying something about it being my fault. but the prob is, his family thinks hes going to lie to them, so she'll def email me or ask me to come over to tell the real story... which im totally willing to do, once he actually tells them we're done.
i dont want to give them all the details though, because they'll just put him more into a depression. and this is where i realize i have my own protection/defensive issue where i need to stop protecting him. and he knows ill back him up, for the most part.
therapy is in my future, i know.
irish- we renovated for almost a year before the housewarming.
Yeah, I'm in the his family = his problem camp.
My former mother in law called me crying repeatedly throughout the whole ordeal. They're nice people and all, but I wasn't in any position to be consoling anyone else or worrying about how they felt about it. You don't owe him any favors. If his family thinks he'll lie to them, that's probably because he's a LLPOF and they'll be right.
Book Review Blog
If I were a man (or fitty) I'd totally call my penis THE WIZARD - HappyTummy
What is with these douchbagMFer's? WTF?
Emjo, i agree with Mod. I think it would actually be a good thing for you to stop protecting him and tell the truth to his family, i also don't think it will hurt for him to face the reality that he IS a lying douchbag and there's a reason his family thinks so.
Emjo, I'm so sorry you're going through this
And Fent, man, I don't know how much more I could put up with, it's not fair to you. Jens had some pretty wise words, I'm just going to ditto her. I hope you get some resolution soon.
Claire Elizabeth 12/31/2011
Married Bio
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
I bet her FUPA's name is Shane, like the gunslinger/drifter of literature.--HappyTummy
yes roo! definitely!
and i will try christin. my little herpe temp at work sits no less than 3 ft away and stares over my shoulder all day so its hard. ugh.
anyhoo, i forgot about more shenanigans! he had a hidden bank account and lord knows how many credit cards that i didnt know about (i know of 2 for sure, possibly 3). the good thing though, is that when we file, he wont mention these things because he wont admit to them in the first place. i had been wondering how he was buying random things here and there when they clearly werent coming out of our account but it seems he was buying/selling/trading guns and hiding all of that cash from me. and this, folks, is another reason why everyone should be mentally/emotionally tested before owning copious amounts of guns.
and there are probably 100 more things hes done that were sneaky or just plain lies but i cant even remember them all anymore.
G-bus. Was he always so shady or did the shady start after the problems?
Just make sure the divorce decree makes clear what debt is yours and excludes things not specifically listed.
yeah my lawyer said that she can put language in there like, "so and so is responsible for debt in their own name" or something like that just to cover my ass. because i only have one credit card, and he is only supposed to have one credit card. and he knows i hate those things. they are there for emergencies (IMO) but he cant stop. and other than our house we dont have car loans or any other debt so it should be easy peasy. and my dad said hed buy the house from us to use as a rental so we get out of that easy, too. the only other thing im worried about is his gun stash that i have no idea how many he has or how much they're worth so i need to get in there and take pictures or something because for all i know, they are worth tons of money and i could get screwed if he sells them all beforehand. (any smart person would've sold them by now, but again, we are dealing with a subpar IQ here.)
and 99% of our issues have been over his sneakiness, mostly his sneakiness with being a money hungry douche and a frivolous spender. and i dont get it because i wouldnt consider myself budget crazy or anything. i mean i bitched when he would buy his stupid toys, but if he talked to me about it in advance, i would either say, ok, sounds like a good purchase, or i would say, why the hell do you need this again? and he could either sell me on it or not. but that never happened because he would just buy buy buy and then id find out about it afterward. anyway, i would almost classify it as an addiction for him.