Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Attitudes toward adoption
Since getting married a couple months ago, MIL has asked me when we're having kids. It's annoying, but I humor her and tell her "some day". The thing is, I've always seen it as noble to adopt, and with my anxiety disorder, I'm afraid of being pregnant. Ideally, we'd adopt one or two kids and have one of our own, but I get the sense that she'd be horribly disappointed if we chose to adopt. I have family members who were adopted but H's family doesn't. What's the general view of adoption in your family? Would you consider it? How would your parents/ILs feel about it?
Scrabble high score: 531
Re: Attitudes toward adoption
My husband was adopted as an infant. My extended family doesn't have any adopted children in it.
I think that so long as we adopted an infant of our race, nobody would think twice about it. I believe it might get sticky on either side of the family if we adopted an older child, a child with disabilities or emotional problems, or a child of a different race. That's not to say they wouldn't come around eventually (and I don't think they'd treat the child badly), but I don't think they would understand it or agree with it at first.
You say it's "noble" to adopt, but I'm not sure I understand where you're coming from, especially if you're talking about adopting an infant, which I understand to be in big demand with childless couples. So are you thinking about adopting the kind of children that often don't get adopted and aren't highly in demand?
I can only imagine both my family and DH's family being supportive and positive if we chose this. The thing is, if DH and I truly wanted to adopt and that was the best thing for our family, I would do it regardless of what other people think.
If you never adopted because of the "disappointment" you fear will come from it, would you regret that choice? I would. And I wouldnt want to live my life like that.
I changed my name
Stop talking about having children or adopting children with your MIL. It is none of her business, and once you invite her into that aspect of your life, you will never get her out.
I can't put my finger on exactly why, but for some reason your post smacks of an "I am better than you as we plan to do the noble thing and adopt our babies." I could be wrong, but something about it just makes me give you the side eye.
I think if you and your H want to adopt it is your decision and MIL doesn't get a say. To me, adoption is wonderful. Two of my H's cousins were adopted.
I'm sure my family and H's family would support us if we wanted or choose to adopt..... but I'm not going to let what they think influence what my H and I choose to do.
Ultimately, it is up to you and your H.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
My brother was adopted and I have a few friends who have adopted. Honestly, in my world- there is no "attitude" about it other than support.
As for your MIL - I agree, don't involve her in the discussions about TTC and adopting. Focus on your DH, figure out what you want to do and when you know what you're going to do - TELL people about it as FACT.
Be firm, be sure of yourselves. If MIL has any negative reaction , your DH needs to talk to her about it. He needs to be the one to make it clear that this is a decision you are both behind and he expects support from her.
But I think the more yo uapproach this from a place of excitement, from a place of "this IS what we're doing", etc, the less room you leave for people to be negative and voice an opinion.
And yes- I have to agree w/ MKE - your attitude of it being "noble" does have a ring of "holier than thouness" to it. That may not be your attention - but in stating your desire to adopt, don't put down other people's desire to have biological children. That will only lead to people "poo-pooing" you even more.
I personally admire those who adopt. I find it to be selfless and it's a VERY personal choice, and not for everyone. But... when you start throwing in how "noble" it is- it actually makes me question why you're doing it. Are you doing it to help a child who needs a home, or are you doing it so that you look like a better person?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I have no clue, nor do I care how anyone would react. If we choose to go that route, it will be a decision that my husband and I make.
That being said, I know my family would welcome any adopted child with welcome arms.
One of my five siblings is adopted. It's never been an issue. Most people don't even know, not because it's a problem but because to us it is not an issue. It just is. Blood isn't what makes a family. If I had been in a position to I would have loved to adopt and my family would have been supportve.
I have to agree that "noble" was a poor word choice. You are the lucky one if you are choosen to be adoptive parents.
I have several adopted nieces and nephews on both sides of my family.
Noble? It's noble to adopt a geriatric shelter dog whose owner went to a nursing home instead of a puppy. The people I know who are successful as adoptive parents think of themselves as blessed, not noble. Please don't do this.
Building your family through adoption because you are too mentally ill to manage pregnancy isn't noble, it's offensive.
Our families would be entirely supportive if DH and I adopted. However, we personally feel that growing our family with biological children is right for us.
But, IMHO, I suggest that you do a lot more research about the realities of adoption before seriously considering it. Adopting a child is not about being "noble." That wording makes it seem like the child should be grateful for being adopted. No child should be made to feel that way. The adoptive parents should feel grateful to have the opportunity to parent the child.
Furthermore, the reality is that there tends to be more demand for healthy infants and toddlers than the supply of healthy infants and toddlers who actually need homes. The children that are in most need of homes tend to have a lot of special needs and/or be older.
Also, adoption can be incredibly expensive. Adopting from foster care is low cost. However, other adoption methods can easily cost $30k or more.
Adoption means that your child has (at least) two sets of parents. Even a child raised in a wonderful home may still want to seek out their biological parents. It can be very hard on a child to not have a medical or famiy history or to never meet a blood relative. Open adoption allows the child to maintain some connection to the biological family. But adoptive parents must be comfortable with sharing the child's life, in part, with another family.
Finally, adoption can be an emotional rollercoaster. Foster care children may be placed back with their biological parents. Parents who previously wanted to place their child for adoption may change their minds. Waiting for a successful match can take many years.
I'm not trying to discourage you from adopting. Adoption can be a great way to provide families for children who otherwise would not have one. However, adoption is incredibly complicated. Your response about adopting being "noble" made it seem that you may not have weighed all of the important aspects of this choice. Good luck to you!
It's so funny...I have a friend who adopted two children (after years of ttc) before she had two of her own. What's funny is that the adopted girl and the bio-girl both look like (bio) sisters - - I always want to say "they look so much alike!" but I'm afraid I'll sound stupid.
I don't think it's noble to adopt when the reason is either a) You're tried and cant have a child on your own and really want children or b) (in your case) you're afraid of being p.g.
In either situation, it's the only way left to create a family. It's just as self-serving as any other way of creating a family. There ARE noble motivations to adoption (you want to care for the child of a sibling who passed, your partner's child's bio-parent isn't around and you want to take on that responsibility), but I don't think of adoption in general as "noble."
I think my family would treat an adopted child like a bio-child. We love all kids!
1. Stop discussing children with your MIL. It's none of her business.
2. Adoption is not "noble." I'm hoping that's a bad choice of words. The decision to adopt is a very personal one and has nothing to do with being noble. If that is your reason for adopting, please do not do it. A child is a gift to the parents, not the other way around.
3. As someone who has been dealing with a rare cause of infertility, our prospects of having a biological child are pretty slim. However, we are not sure whether adoption is the way to go for us.
4. Our families would never be disappointed if we chose to adopt. We both have cousins who have adopted children. They would be just as supportive and loving of an adopted child as with a biological child. Especially since it really isn't their business.
You have a sense, you don't know. Stop imagining their are problems when there aren't any. I can guarantee if you keep thinking this you will find problems with your MIL's attitude about it, even if there really isn't a problem at all.
Adoption is almost encouraged in DH's family. One of his aunts runs an orphanage in Haiti, another aunt has adopted two children from Haiti (one badly burned in a recent uprising), a cousin has adopted several special needs children, and another cousin had an open adoption where her son spends time around the holidays with his biomom. No one in DH's family would have an issue with adoption whether it was outside their race, a child that is severely disabled, etc- they accept all children with open arms.
My father provided foster care to several boys when we were growing up and encourages those that are considering adoption to consider adopting from within the system- if DH and I ever decided to have children, we would consider adoption/fostering.
An American Girl's Travels
Who cares what your in-laws think about your decision? When the time comes, you and your husband decide what's best for the two of you and do it. If your in-laws treat you or your child differently because you chose to adopt, you can choose not to have a relationship with them anymore.
First of all--it would not be a problem on my side for sure as I have an adopted brother who is a different race. My family would be supportive, especially my mom & siblings. My dad thinks I have my hands full already so he'd probably secretly give me the side eye but I don't really care. MIL is smart & thoughtful enough to make no comments. DH & I are considering adoption of a likely older, foreign or disabled child of any race.
Secondly--It is not noble to adopt a perfectly healthy infant when you are fertile...especially if the race you are talking about is "white". There are long waiting lists & certainly no shortage of adoptive infertile couples hoping & praying for a baby they are not able to have themselves. I think you better think twice about having kids if pregnancy scares you that much--raising a child is way, way, way harder than carrying/birthing one. If you have a severe mental health issue you are unlikely able to qualify to adopt at most agencies anyway & if it's an open or private adoption I think most birth mothers would pass on you given your reasons not to have a bio-kid. Not to be a buzz-kill...I am super, super pro-adoption--but the reasons you give just don't jive w/ reality. I hope you seek the answers you need but having family issues on this is not really the issue. You need to do what is right for your family (you & DH) but realize that things are not as simple as you make them out to be.
H & I will more than likely be adopting. No one in either sides of our family is adopted, but they would all love any child we brought into our home. Doesn't matter what race, age or disability.
My grandma is the only one who would probably be upset if we adopted a Mexican or Hispanic child, but she's a bit racist and we all ignore her when she starts up about what terrible people they are. I love her, and that being said, if she ever said anything negative about my child's race we wouldn't be seeing her anymore. Period.
I think adoption is a personal choise, and if you and your DH think it is the right choice for you, that is your decision, your mil shouldnt factor in at all.
This is my little mini rant, but I think that too many people try and pressure other people into doing things they want them to do, when it isnt any of there business! And its not just when it comes to children, it seems to happen all the time when weddings are being planned.
Dont let her or anyone tell you that you cant adopt, this is something between you and your DH and no one else. Ask for opinions, but dont let someone else make a decision for you. Like someone said before, you might end up regreting it, and do you want to do that?
And I kinda know how you feel about the anxiety over being pregnant. I have and still feel that way about it, seriously thought that I would end up adopting because pregnancy just scares me. I decided though that people who cant have children need adoption more than I do, although I might have to consider it if something ends up causing problems down the road :[
Due to some fun medical things this year we realized that DH and I *may* have a difficult time having kids. (its really one of those things that you dont know how much of an issue it will be until you start trying) DH and I had a talk and we are both on the same page about adoption, its something we are both willing to consider if we cant have our "own" kids.
Both of our families are ok with adoption, the topic has come up in various conversations.
Frankly, its no one elses business how you choose to grow your family. And if you do choose to adopt, you may need to get used to explaining to people that you don't get a say in how they live their lives and it works both ways.
Noble wasn't the best choice there, I think what I meant was that I admire parents who have adopted and see it as not only a great blessing for the child, but for the parents as well.