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Guess who wants to move home
Apparently, a very clinical email about dividing up our stuff and who gets what brought some reality to the situation for Twan last week. He says it made him sad and he started thinking more about things and maybe my suggestion that this was just a big pile of things he was hurt or angry about that had built up over time but he never got off his chest (because he buries his negative emotions) that finally exploded may be correct. He says he didn't mean it when he said he never loved me, and everything moved too fast for him to think it through. He felt pressure from me to explain himself and make a decision and so this was all a knee jerk reaction. He told me he laid in bed and cried about it all on Friday night (oh how nice for you, dear. Welcome to the club.)
I think he expected me to cry with joy and say, "OH WONDERFUL PLEASE COME HOME!" I sat through all of this with a raised eyebrow. I told him, of course I want to keep my marriage together, but I am also hesitant to accept all of this and jump right back in. I said, "If this is what you've felt for the past four days, who's to say you won't feel differently in another four days?" I know we won't get anywhere through me punishing him, but I need him to acknowledge and agree to some things before he moves back in. So I said, Why don't you plan on spending the night here on Christmas Eve and Christmas. We'll talk more then, you can see how you feel being home, and then we can decide if you move all your stuff here.
In a way, this turned out how I thought it would originally, before he decided to move out. I'm still not sure how to handle it all and respond, which is part of the reason I put off a decision until after he stays here at Christmas. I need to figure out what my conditions are. Not to make him jump through hoops but to protect myself and not just jump from one instant reaction to another without thinking things through. It would be pretty awful for him to come back only to leave again. One thing I told him is that he'd need to talk to my parents. I don't know if apologize is the right word, but I told him that he put them through a lot with all of this, too, so he should have to say something to them before he just starts showing up to family dinners again. I'm not sure what else. I did say that how he communicates has to change. And I said, if you want to feel closer, you have to be more romantic, initiate conversations, and be willing to put yourself out there. He agreed. I have a lot to think about in the next three days. I'm also kind of holding out in case he took a bunch of drugs this past weekend and then changes his mind again in the harsh light of the work week.
Jebus, I am going to have to explain this whole thing to a lot of people this week. But I only told so many people because I thought it really was final. Or maybe I shouldn't rush to tell anyone in case this falls through like Middle East peace negotiations.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
Re: Guess who wants to move home
I would say as little as possible to people. I know it's sometimes easier with a sounding board...and you feel the need to explain, but really, you don't owe anyone any explanations. It's hard enough for you guys to figure out what's going on- you don't need anyone who can't be objective adding their two cents in, looking at you in a way that comes across as pity, or whatever...
This is going to be a difficult time where you have to rely on your gut and you're going to have your hands full figuring things out with Twan. No one else needs be invited to the party.
It sounds promising....and you don't want to punish. But, yes, you do have to protect yourself. I'd say be open, talk all night if need be. Just try not to have sex. Sex clouds things and he shouldn't be allowed right back into you like that- to be blunt. There is a lot of talking to do, feelings to sort out and sometimes sh*t can get swept away, ignored, and justified when sex is involved.
I don't know if he should have to say anything to your parents...at least just yet. Your parents aren't in your marriage. Obviously you chose to involve them because you were hurting, this is a big deal, life changing and all...but you two have to work things out before he can think of what to say to your parents. I think you should prepare your parents that he is coming, this is part of trying to work things out and he'll talk to you in some time. neither of you even know what's going on- what is going to say?
Good luck Fenton!
Wow, that didn't take him long once he was on his own, did it?
I'm optimistic for you, not sure you should make the decision over Christmas , though. It's easy to have the warm fuzzies those days, in the harsh light of february you might feel differently.
I assume counselling is one of the stipulations?
For less then ten cents a day, you can feed a hungry child.
I wish you the best Fenton, and hope it all works out in whatever way will make you happy.
I don't get him having to talk to your parents though, that seems weird to me.
I am glad that you have control here Fenton. I am glad that you are looking out for yourself while still being open to working on your marriage. It is hard to find that balance so just keep reminding yourself about what you need (once you figure that out).
Would you be open to him not moving home and you guys 'dating' for a bit? The mix of distance and closeness may help things.
I wouldn't tell anyone anything either, it's nobody's business anyway. Have you spoken to the counselor about this? I think the biggest thing he needs to do now is rebuild trust in your relationship and that can be so freaking hard.
I bet her FUPA's name is Shane, like the gunslinger/drifter of literature.--HappyTummy
All of this.
I hope that you get some answers and not just more confusion after the talks.
Christin, Germany was one of the first things I thought of. Marriage is great and all, but overseas travel is what really makes one happy in life. I'm not sure how that will work out. Just me going? Both of us? Neither? Every possibility is swirling in my head.
Mashed, like I said, it's not that he has to apologize or even explain anything to them. But I feel like he should acknowledge what they went through worrying about me and say something to the effect of, I know what I did affected you. I just don't know if they could go back to feeling like family with him without some conversation like that.
As for the rest of the suggestions, I'll read them, and I'm thankful I have 20+ intelligent female brains instead of one to help me figure this out. I'm not going to make any decisions just yet. I really am just going to let it all stew for the next week. See how things go over Christmas and the few days after and just take it one day at a time after that.
Seriously, I don't know what people who don't have a "Knot board" in their life do in situations like this! You guys are awesome.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
While I'm hopeful that you guys could work it out, I would recommend that you tread carefully and, as always, listen to your gut.
About two weeks after my ex and I first got engaged, we moved in together. Two days after settling into the new place, he had a major freak out that things were moving too quickly (we had only been together for three years at that point) and he wasn't sure about whether or not we should get married. I went to stay with a friend for about a week. Halfway into the week, I got a sobbing call from him telling me how much he missed me and how he wanted to marry me more than anything in the world. So I moved back, and we jumped back into planning our wedding. Only for things to end two months after getting married.
I'm really not trying to rain on your parade, and I know my situation was much different than yours is. I'm just cautioning you to listen to your inner voice, be aware of how he's acting, and be honest with yourself. I wanted to marry my ex so badly that I listened to everything he was telling me after we got back on track. If I dug deeper, I would have seen and felt his reticence and would have recognized that he didn't want me...he just didn't want to be alone.
I bet her FUPA's name is Shane, like the gunslinger/drifter of literature.--HappyTummy
so does this mean there won't be an oops pregnancy from some drunken one night stand so you can wave the baby in twans face?
too soon?
It could be one of those premonitions that works out but not in the way you think it does. I could sleep with him before he moves back and then get pregnant. Then I wave the baby in his face and he says, Hooray! PLOT TWIST! (fyi, yes, JOKING. no, I will not be getting pg anytime soon, relax.)
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
No save the marriage baby, then?
TWAN, you are so dumb!
But, I'm so glad you're coming to your senses.
Fenton, I wish with all my heart that this works out the best for you guys. Take it slow and don't let emotions take over in the beginning. I think you've already laid some good ground rules and I like that you're proceeding with caution. The most important thing right now is YOU. Not him, not your mariage, not your parents, and certainly not what anyone else thinks. Do what feels right for you and take it at your own pace.
I'm sending you a whole lotta love.
xoxox
Claire Elizabeth 12/31/2011
Married Bio
Nest thissing all of this business.
I think the dating suggestion is a great one. It's a good balance of letting him back in enough to give him a chance to prove himself and start making this up to you, but it still keeps him at enough of a distance so that it's one step at a time, and so you can protect your little broken heart.
No matter what the outcome of this is, I hope you do what's best for yourself and your own long term happiness. Hugs, dude.
I'm dittoing everyone else to me cautious and make sure that you are your number one priority right now. It's absolutely not about keeping him happy now. And I'm Amy100% with TSD on the don't have sex with him thing as well.
Is counseling going to be one of his conditions? If he is really batting depression, it's not going to be magically fixed. Until he can deal with that, you will be living in constant tension wondering when the next crisis is going to occur.
Yes, fixing his extreme defense mechanisms that occur whenever he has a sad is the first priority. I know his mom really wants him to go to a non-marriage counselor (she is/was concerned that this is actually depression, based on how he acted at their house), so I think if anything he will go to make her worry less.
Second priority will be earning Christin's forgiveness. Third will be earning mine.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
I will make a note in his chart that his insanity may have only been temporary. We shall see.
Part of me is very excited at this potential breakthrough, but I'm not sure what the outcome I want for you is just yet. I'm just glad that you've stopped needing to chase after him and now it's his turn to chase after you.
Now that you know he's considering reconciliation, you need to take the time to sit down and really focus on what you want. You had a brief glimpse at your potential future without him, so I assume you saw many good things and bad things. I assume you saw a potential future of a swingin' pad downtown and the carefree single life, or being with someone who eats adventurously and is independently wealthy, etc. Think long and hard about whether you're ready to give those up.
The path of least resistance will be going back with Twan. So make sure that if you choose him, you do so because you're sure he's worth it. He has a lot of work he's going to have to do (both on himself and your marriage), and you can't do it for him like you've done in the past. Fixing things lies on his shoulders now. So while he works on himself, you work on yourself. Figure out if you even want this now that it's a possibility. Whatever decision you make, it'll be the right one.
And I think you should punish him a little bit.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
I'm agreeing with everyone but mostly, shockingly, Mulva. Be VERY VERY careful and make sure this isn't just him being lonely and afraid of change. Keep your distance and stay on guard. Immediate couples and individual counseling. And definitely, definitely no sex.
Husbands should be like Kleenex: Soft, strong, and disposable.
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If I were a man (or fitty) I'd totally call my penis THE WIZARD - HappyTummy