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BEWARE: VENT ahead
OK girls, I'm going to use this post as a major vent outlet, so please put up with me and excuse me...
The other day hubby, kiddo and I went to see HP7pt1 at the movies (yeah, it took us awhile to get around to seeing it). Anyhow, after coming out of the movies the two were roughhousing (nothing new there!) but hubby tickled kiddo and kiddo kicked at his leg (or thought she did). What happened was hubby doubled over and I guess kiddo's "kick" was a bit misplaced (total accident, btw!)...When hubby doubled over he picked up a big handful of snow and threw it in her face...we both really thought he was 'faking' and joking. It took us a minute to realize she had hit the 'family jewels'. When she did, she promptly bust out bawling because she felt so bad and was begging forgiveness. Hubby walked away from us and then VERY MEANLY said "THAT B*TCH"...
First, in over 3 years I have NEVER heard that much meanness/hatefulness (tone of voice) from hubby. Second, there's only one person I've EVER heard him call the B word and that was his ex-wife after she took his son away from him for months at a time. I mean the tone of voice he said it in was the most mean thing I've ever heard come out of his mouth. To say I was shocked and hurt is putting it mildly. (And I can only imagine how kiddo felt.)
I know it wasn't just getting hit in the you-know-where... his son accidentally did it too him a couple of Christmas' ago MUCH harder than this weekend and he actually hit the floor in a ball then - he didn't say ANYTHING then, just "give me a minute, that really hurt" as he laid on the floor. He sure didn't say anything hurtful like he did this weekend.
To give it some perspective... If this had happened when I was 'dating' or 'engaged' to hubby, I probably would have called a time-out on the relationship until I could work through it and figure out what had happened there... Since we're not still dating, I know we have to work through this...
I spoke with him the next morning and told him how I felt and how I didn't think he should have ever used that tone with her. I also expressed how I was shocked with both WHAT he said and HOW he said it. His only response was "you've heard me speak that way before - to [ex-wife] after she took [son] away." (He professes to hate his wife to death, so comparing how he spoke to/of kiddo to his feelings for his ex-wife...well that just upset me more and that's the part that STILL is bothering me now).
After a couple days he went downstairs and told kiddo "sorry about the other day, I was just hurt" (end of apology).. and that was his form of apology. He came back upstairs and "informed" me that "all's good between us now, I said I"m sorry". As if that alone would make her forgive and forget what he had done/said. I spent all night the first night and most of the next day holding a (not-so) little girl who was crying her heart out at the thought that 1) she hurt him 2) that she is convinced he hates her and 3) he'll never REALLY get over it...
Since everything that has happened, he has gone on pretending all is well but we don't talk more than the polite hellos a housemate might share and I can't even initiate meaningful conversation with him.
I'm at wits end and I just can't seem to get over it (neither can kiddo really). He isn't really showing any remorse for how he treated her or even acknowledge the fact that it was only an accident. I'm just not sure what to do so I'm just tapping it all out on the keyboard and venting to you in hopes that perhaps it can help me "get over it".
Am I wrong to feel hurt at how he lashed out in hate and intentionally hurt kiddo for something that was purely an accident?
Cass
My Ceremony Location - Scottish Castle
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Re: BEWARE: VENT ahead
hmmmm, maybe some anger management, it sounds like his has a lot of built up resentment about his ex, and those feelings are leaking out around the kids. Definitely not healthy! I would try to be supportive but stern, don't fight anger with anger.
It also sounds like he needs to blow some steam, does he work out?
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Yikes!!!!
Accidents happen, especially with kids. I'm shocked he's overreacting like this. You definitely need to sit down with him and talk the whole thing out so you can all work through it. Find out why he is so bothered by something that wasn't meant to happen on purpose. There has to be a deeper reason as to why he threw such a fit. Perhaps the fact that his son kicked him there before, possibly by prompting of the hated ex, triggered something? Or - and I'm REALLY hoping this isn't it - is he resentful of kiddo becoming part of your daily lives? You definitely need to get to the root of his behavior. There's no reason he should be treating her like this. Good luck!!
You definitely should be angry, that is not good. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. He needs to know that his apology was not enough, such a hateful thing can have long term effects on a kid. I agree with maybe counseling to figure out the deeper issue, because I really get the feeling that there is something deeper going on.
Good luck!
Cass, this was my first thought when I read your post.
First of all, I am so very sorry that you and the little one are going through this. Any time is hard, but at the Holidays, it makes it seem like even a worse time. My next thought was also Cin's - that maybe, deep down (even if he hasn't admitted it to himself), H may be a tad resentful of now having someone else in the family who is "taking your attention/time" away from him. I know it sounds crazy, but some guys don't seem to share their mates very well.
My Mom remarried when I was 18, but they started dating when I was 15. Although he loved us (my sister, bro and I), I really do believe he had issues sharing us with my Mom at times. He didn't mean to, but at times I feel like he put her in postions where she had to choose his side or ours, or that he got a little jealous of our close relationship. It took him a while to realize that she had the capacity to love him while continuing to dote affection on her "kittens", as she called us.
So, not sure if this is even your H's issue or not, but if it is, then time will help to heal it. In the meantime, I agree with PP, that it is something that needs to be discussed thoughtfully with him, so that he does understand that the three of you are a unit now, and that she needs the both of you to be as strong a unit as possible to provide a peaceful, calm home environment for her.
This is simply unacceptable behavior for a grown man. I'm sure it hurt but he needs to realize that calling your "daughter" a b*tch is not cool.
Like Cindy, I also thought that he may be upset that he doesn't have your full attention. Definitely sit down and talk to him.
Keep us posted as to how it turns out.
((Hugs))
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Ditto! I agree w/Stacy that she needs a calm home environment- she's gone through a huge change moving in with you and away from her prior home, and she needs lots of extra love and support. I'm sure if you called his son a bad name he wouldn't care for it either.
I hope this gets resolved easily for you; we're here for you anytime!
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I'm so sorry Cass. I hope with some talking this can be resolved. I totally understand and totally would not stand for it. It would be a really big deal to me too. My DH overreacts sometimes and sometimes things come out of his mouth that he doesn't mean. So it sounds like it was out of his control, but he has to watch it and I don't blame you for being upset about it. I really hope you are feeling better.
Danielle