Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Freaking out over splitting up holidays
So, here's the interesting part. My fiance and I live with my family. He's not particularly close to his family, and he moved in with me and mine in about July. His family lives about 20 minutes away, which we're fortunate for I suppose.
Here's the issue, Christmas was initially planned as going to his parents in the morning, lunch with family friends at a Chinese place for lunch (my family and I have been doing this for 3-4 years), and then dinner at my house. Well, now his family is invited to our family dinner, but they're still expecting us at their house. I have a 6 year old sister, whom still believes in Santa (and therefore I still get presents from Santa), and whom I'm very close to, so I'd like to be here for her opening her presents, both from Santa and from our family (all is done at the same time). So the only valid way I'm seeing for doing any of this is either a) skipping breakfast at his family's house or b)skipping lunch.
I'm not close to his family, and honestly, most of the like I feel for them is because they're his family. They've done a lot of things to him over his life that I certainly don't agree with and that has affected his relationship with them. But now that my family has taken an interest in my fiance and what he does, they're doing it too, something they'd never done before. Like they can suddenly make up for 23 years of not-really-neglect, but not exactly the best family-ness ever. His old therapist told him if my fiance had told him (during a family session) that he'd picked 3 random people off the street and called them family, he would've believed him. They're that not-close.
Admittedly, my fiance has Asperger's syndrome and that makes things difficult communication-wise for him and most people anyways. He makes a huge effort to make sure we talk, since that's one of the main issues in relationships with Asperger's.
My mom says I'd be better off not alienating them, which I'm sure is right. But sheesh, how do you go about it when there's no common ground and you have little respect for them? My mother also says skipping the Chinese would be the best idea, even though she knows I don't want to. Odds are, my mom is right, but that doesn't mean I have to like it, right? It's just I've become a bridge for a relationship that I'm not entirely certain my fiance really cares about...
I'm 20, and really confused and not the best socialite anyway... *sigh*
So, I guess the gist of this post is...how do you manage to divide all this stuff and not offend people?
Re: Freaking out over splitting up holidays
Even though his family svcks, they are his family and you need to be fair.
I would skip Chinese food. It seems to mean less to you than seeing your sister opening gifts, and really, it's a relatively new tradition. When you and fi get married and have kids, you'll start your own traditions anyway.
The BEST thing you can do for your fi is to allow him to see his family for what they are. Don't point out everything they do wrong, and DO NOT deal with them yourselves (so that he is shielded from any douchery).
If it bothers you that much that you are spending so much time with them, next year tell your family not to invite them for dinner - - you get enough of them at lunch time!
You need to follow your fiance's lead on this. His family - his decision. It is not your job to make things right between him and his family.
My other thought is this - When my sister got engaged, she did not spend any part of the holidays with her fiance's family. It was only when they were married did she feel the need to split the holidays - and she likes her in-laws!
This was not the case for me since my husband is Jewish and his family is1200 miles away. However, I would have done the same. No splitting holidays until we're married.
Quote: "Christmas was initially planned as going to his parents in the morning, lunch with family friends at a Chinese place for lunch (my family and I have been doing this for 3-4 years), and then dinner at my house."
I don't see what has changed. The original plan had you missing your sister's present opening so why mess with it now? I don't get how your FILs coming to dinner changes a thing...(perhaps mud?)
Whoa. Are you on spectrum as well?
How much, exactly, do you understand about Aspergers?
I won't throw you under the bus by pointing out the very obvious point that you are a bebe bride at 20 who is living with mommy and daddy. But-
1. Aspergers is a heritable trait in many families. You can expect that much of his family's awkwardness if the result of autistic spectrum traits. This could also be a the root of what you describe as "not-really-neglect but not familyness". You can also expect that any children you have will be at significantly higher risk of being on the autism spectrum as well.
2. Not sure why a 23 year old man would agree to live with his girlfriend's family, most well developing adults would avoid such a living arrangement. I assume this is either related to his relative immaturity. People with Aspergers have the social and emotional maturity of someone about 2/3 their chronological age however intelligent they may be. For a 23 year old man, that gives him the socioemotional skill set of someone who just turned 15.
The other piece that could be driving this is the fact that about 85% of those adults identified as having Aspergers Disorder are unemployed. Many who do have jobs work part time or in positions for which they are seriously overqualified. This is often a function of poor social communication skills, inertia, lack of stamina and executive function challenges.
1) That is a good question, are you on the spectrum?
2) I agree that FI moving in with mommy and daddy is probably a sign that you're not ready to get married
3) I've never heard that Autism (or Asperger's) is heritable. Actually,everything I know about it says no one has been able to find a genetic link. (This is from both professional and personal knowledge, my sister has Autism and I work with Autistic kids).
4) I agree with PP who said not to worry about it. Don't give yourself a headache about splitting holidays now. I did everything I could to make holidays fair and even with my x-bf of 2.5 years and then, you know what? We broke up. Yeah, you're engaged but until you're married you can still do your thing and let him do his thing.
Etsy shop
There is no absolute genetic link identified at this time, but most experts I talk with think perhaps there is an enviornmental and genetic cause- i.e. genetics load the pistol and enviornment pulls the trigger. It could be that what we call autism is actually a range of different syndromes that appear similar but have different antecedents.
http://www.iancommunity.org/cs/autism_spectrum_disorder_research/unified_genetic_theory
This article talks about the genetics of autism.
http://www.iancommunity.org/cs/autism_spectrum_disorder_research/autistic_traits_in_siblings
I moderate an international support and information forum related to Aspergers and HFA; a number of our members are parents with Aspergers raising children with Aspergers. A number of my friends who are raising children with Aspergers, HFA and PDD-Nos grew up with a sibling on spectrum.
First, let me point out, I may be considered young to get married, but I'm by far not that youngest. We're not getting married until the end of 2011. I'm still in college with no income at the moment due to trying to get out in 4 years taking up a good chunk of my time. He held a job just fine over the summer, but with school starting up, we decided it would be best/easiest with our car scenario for him not to continue. As for still living with my parents, my parents lived with my dad's mother for years through their marriage. Both of us would like to move out, but it's just not in the cards atm.
Second, I am not on the spectrum but FI is. Yes, I suppose there could be hints of AS in his family- his brother has some traits, I know, but does not have autism. He moved in with me because like I said, we don't currently have the income for an apartment, he didn't really care for his living situation at his home, and he wanted to be around me more. He has told me a great deal about autism, and I have read a lot about it. I know things won't always be easy, but when are they ever. He is also far more mature than most guys my/his age I know. He's worked very hard to make himself "normal", because it makes life easier.
As it is, everything I freaked out about worked out. His mom ended up sick Christmas eve, so we didn't go over there in the morning (@JAF my sister slept until 9 am, aren't we fortunate?). They came over for the evening meal, since his mom was feeling better. We went out and ate Chinese for lunch with my friends, and we went over to his parents' house on the 26th.