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My SIL is disciplining my son
My SIL is discipling my son WHILE I am in the same room. We really don't get along as it is (we are cordial, but that's it)...so I am not sure how to act on this one. I want my hubby and his brother to keep a good relationship. Things are often tense so I don't wanna stand out as a trouble maker. Any advice?? Thanks ;~)
Re: My SIL is disciplining my son
ditto
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That's not really something to get worked up about, IMHO.
This is very confusing. Did she say don't shoot inanimate objects? An ornament IS an inanimate object...
This isn't really disciplining, or if it is it is totally mild. I am on her side for this unless I'm missing something.
Evidently she doesn't know what "inanimate" is either..
I don't think there is anything wrong with what she said, but I would tell your son not to shoot a dart gun in her house, which is rude anyway IMO
I would never use that language with a four yr old (not to mention she used it incorrectly) but I would tell a family child near me not to do something, or what to do and I would expect family members to do the same to my kids.
So in that situation I might have said, "we don't want to break the ornaments, how about you shoot at the wall/up the hallway/outside"
Not because I think the parents can't do it themself but because I don't think there is anything wrong with children having a range of adults help them learn acceptable social behaviour.
Further more, I think it's the, "don't you dare tell my child off" attitude that has a lot to do with why many kids get away with crappy behaviour. I'm not saying your kids behave crappily or that you have that attitude, but I do think your history with your SIL is affecting your view on this.
Other than then big words that 4 yo may not understand, I do not see this as an issue.
First, while she was disciplining in the broadest sense of the definition, there was no follow through with any form of punishment. All she was doing was making a comment about proper behavior to your child. This is instruction, not discipline.
Second, multiple reinforcement of proper behavior is actually a good thing. If children learn, at an early age, that they are expected to behave a certain way by EVERYONE they run into, they will be more likely to apply those lessons right off the bat. As well as make the behaviors learned.
And third, while you have a right to allow your children to do whatever you want them to do in YOUR house, the moment you are in someone elses home, where your child's actions CAN affect other people, that opens up the door for those people to step in and protect themselves.
The fact is, it is innapropriate for a 4 yo to play with an outside toy in the house and you should not have allowed him to play with it to begin with. Evne though it is foam, there is enough force to break something.
And the fact that you claim that it was an accident actually PROVES this point. You know he does nto have the abilty or experience to control this toy (hence the "accident") but YOU let him do it anyway.
If it were ME, I would have said something before he even made the "mistake", since I would not have wanted to be hit or have one of my Grandmother(inlaws) items broken. She showed restraint by waiting to see if you would actually take care of this in the first place.
But when YOU DID NOT DO YOUR DUTY AS A PARENT TO BEGIN WITH, it was perfectly OK to step in.
So no, you do not get an IVY from me.
I think your view is distorted, and I do think it's ridiculous to expect that no one else will ever tell your child what to do / not to do around you.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I just wish anyone who was disciplining this kid did it with a vocabulary that she herself understood. If a kid is shooting inanimate objects (like, y'know, an ornament), and the SIL is telling the kid to stop... and only shoot inanimate objects.... then the SIL is teaching the kid an incorrect definition of inanimate. That's the biggest problem I see here, the perpetuation of ignorance.
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Totally this. I would have spoken up to if the kid was in danger of breaking my things. She could have phrased it better, but I don't think it was inherently wrong.
I also ditto Illumine and Kate Louise.
If your SIL spanked or used physical force on your son then yes, I'd be pi$$ed about it too. But all she did was tell him not to do something that he shouldn't have been doing around grandma's breakables in the first place, and you didn't correct him; a 4 year old isn't going to learn what's right and what's wrong all by himself. Someone needs to teach him. Although I don't understand how an ornament is not an "inanimate" object either, and I'm sure any 4 year old wouldn't have the slightest clue what that meant. Your SIL is an idiot for making that statement.
I think you're using your dislike for SIL as an excuse to complain about this, when in fact it's not a hill to die on. When my friends bring their kids over I tell them "no" a lot when they do something they're not supposed to be doing in my home [since my friend usually lets her kids do what they want and doesn't discipline or tell them "no" at ALL].
I agree with this. She did use the word incorrectly, but if she HAD used it correctly, I see no issue with her using it with your son. It is never too early to learn, IMO. Christmas Day at my Aunts there were 2 small children and plently of adults. I corrected/guided them many times. Yes, their parents were present. Guess I could have just lef them burn themselves on that candle...
Perhaps you are feeling a bit guilty? Shooting a dart gun at Grandma's house wouldn't have ever been allowed in my day. Maybe next time you visit, bring a quiet, inside toy for your son to play with.
Yowzah.
I assume she meant inanimate objects; those things which are not alive in the manner of humans or animals. Actually, a Christmas ornament is an inanimate object, but that's not really the point.
However, he was out of line to shoot a Nerf gun in any home but your own as it shows a lack of respect for the property of others. You were remiss to not discipline him yourself, ideally by putting the gun into "time out" until you returned home, and therefore have no supportable agruement against this woman.
If SIL's discipline of your son irritates you, take a more proactive approach to dealing with his behavior. Four is old enough to appreciate the difference between right and wrong.
I would really like it if some of you could have just given some positive advice. I never said that I didn't say something to my son. I did. I told him to shot at the wall. However, he has never shot that stinkin' thing and it went to the side and hit an ornament. I was on top of it. She just chimmed in and it frustrated me. I tell you, if I took the views some of you had, I wouldn't have any friends. I am a great parent and my son is very well behaved. I never put my child on anyone and try to teach him the proper way all the time. I fall down on my job because...hey, let's face it....life happens. I guess I was coming from the angle that things are so tense with her, that I don't think I could discipline/tell her children anything. She doesn't have children yet. What I was trying to do was NOT make a mountain out of a mole hill. But, illumine....man, you were too harsh. If you knew me and said I didn't do a good job as a parent...maybe I could see. That's just not the case. Your being very judgemental....
Thank you to those of you for just letting me know that I may be off base. I take that advice and go with. Everyone have a blessed day ;~)
All you need to say is "I've got it under control, Deb."
But this is pretty minor, so I wouldn't get worked up over it. I'd just laugh at her misuse of the word inanimate.
You asked for advice, I gave you advice.
When you do something innapropriate (and yes, allowing a 4yo who, by your own admission, has never used said toy inside a house - common sense says that if the toy has a distance of 30 feet, the ricochet is not going to be inches is innapropriate), you open yourself up to people not only stepping in to protect themselves, but commenting in general.
And after your response, your SIL comments actually make perfect sense to me. She wasnt being innacurate by saying inanimate object, she was being passive agressive and a bit sarcastic.....
Look, I do not know your background with her. So I can only reply given the facts you write in this current post and how I would react if I were in this same situation. And the fact is, were I your SIL, I would probably have said something too. Because YOU put inanimate objects and people (there are warnings on these toys for a reason) at risk by allowing him to use it in the first place.
But hey, if you cannot see that (even though there were at least 4 other posters who agree with me), then maybe that explains why your relationship with your SIL is so fraught with tension to begin with. She can't win even when she is right.
The bolded part says it right here. Since that was left out of your original post, we had no way of knowing you already took care of the matter. We can't read minds, so in order to offer support of your point, we need to know all the facts. Cool?
ok so you instructed a 4 year old to shoot a toy gun (that he's never used and doens't know how to aim) in the house and then you get annoyed that someone else tells him what he's doing is wrong? she should've told YOU what YOU were doing wrong by letting him play with that in the house (and someone elses house with breakables around to boot!!!!) in the first place!!!
sorry-i see this as a big fail on your part. regardless of if you said something to him or not your original allowing him to shoot it in the house was a terrible lapse of good judgement.
i dont see this as her issue, i see it as your issue that she tried tactfully (even if worded incorrectly) to correct without starting a fight with you.