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Husband grosses me out
I have never posted on here before but I just have to vent. My husband and I have been married for 2.5 years and together for 5 years. My husband has an array of minor medical issues and they all add up to one big annoying problem. He can really gross me out. First of all he has asthma and he says this is the reason why he has a serious phlegm and mucous problem. He spends all day blowing his nose. Not just when he has a cold, this is all year. And sometimes he'll forget to bring tissues and we'll both just have to deal with his runny nose and the phlegm rattling coughs. His mouth is always full of some kind of thick mucous as well---denser than usual saliva. So it makes me not want to french kiss him. He knows this as well so he doesn't really try to french kiss me that often. This has implications for our sex life since foreplay is just dry little peck-like kisses groping so it can be very awkward. I have had relationships in the past where the kissing was very passionate. When a guy would pick me up and give me a big Hollywood kiss that would last for ages. It would make my heart race and build up the anticipation for sex. But I don't have that with my husband and I'm having a hard time facing the fact that this is the rest of my life. That I will never get that big Hollywood kiss ever again.
To make matters worse, he broke his nose a long time ago so he can't breathe through it. He breathes through his mouth. So when we do kiss he has to come up for air frequently. He's also constantly breathing on me with his mouth wide open when I'm sleeping so I have to sleep with my back to him. This means when he has morning breath, or when he forgets to brush his teeth, I have him breathing right in my face and can't escape it.
My husband is a wonderful man---the most caring and supportive and kind and generous guy I ever met. I love him with all my heart and in many ways he's too good for me. But these medical problems (and I've only listed a couple of them. I haven't even mentioned the dermatitis, the insomnia, or the sweating problems) are ruining our marriage. I spend a lot of my time completely grossed out by him and hoping he doesn't approach me for sex.
I have brought most of these issues to his attention and he does try to resolve them, but some of them are chronic issues, like the asthma and its just driving me insane.
Am I being a horrible, shallow person here? Should I just accept that most men have gross habits and that my husband's problems are medical and they aren't his fault?
I'm just depressed about what our marriage has become and I worry if its like this 2.5 years in, what will it be like when we're 20 or 30 years in? I need some words of encouragement please!
Re: Husband grosses me out
Has he been to a doctor recently? Have you addressed each specific health problem specifically with him and attempted to find solutions?
Go to a doctor, together if needed. Ask about what can be done --medications, etc. There has to be a way for some of the mucus, coughing, and nose problems to be improved. If he can't breathe through his nose, could surgery fix that?
Would it help your marriage if you each had your own room? Could you make it a game of each of you taking steps to plan romantic "getaways" for each other in your individual rooms? It seems like a lot of his problems are largely nighttime issues that no one, including himself, really "wants" to have to deal with. For all you know, he could be very embarressed that you have to deal with them too....he may be willing to deal with them on his own.
The separate bedrooms are pretty extreme -- only take that route if you both are going to make the extra effort to "romantacize" your relationship and turn your love life into a game.....
So did all of this happen AFTER you married this guy? I don't think this all just magically happened overnight, you must have known these things about him and you still married him. Did you expect all of this stuff to disappear after marriage?
Why is he not seeing a doctor to take care of these things? If its such an issue that he "grosses you out" then he should be taking whatever steps possible to fix them, not for you, but because they affect his health and daily living.
And yeah, you kind of do sound like a shallow biitch. There's that whole "In sickness and health" line somewhere if I remember correctly.
A stuffed up nose and upper respiratory symptoms aren't indicative of asthma.
Has he actually been diagnosed with chronic asthma or is this just your guess?
At any rate, he should see a doc for a checkup. He could have anything from an allergy to a sinus infection or some type of bug he cannot shake.
If he has asthma, he needs to be under the care of a pulmonary physician.
If he's got a deviated septum caused by a broken nose, that can be repaired also. He needs to go to a doc; as a pp suggested, you go with him.
Do you think that you might be going through a rough patch? You were with your husband for over 2 years before you married him...there must have been a reason that you decided he was the one. Try to remember those things.
Also get to the doctor and discuss your concerns. If your husband is on any medication, his current problems could be side effects. Changing medications around may help.
I agree with this.
My H has really bad sinus problems and he's always doing this weird sniffing thing, so I can sort of relate. It drove me nuts and I snapped one day...then he told me that he can hardly ever breathe out of his nose, I felt horrible. He's taking a new allergy medicine now, which has made it better.
I do agree that your H should go to a doctor if it's causing this big of a problem between the two of you, but also to make his life better in general. Do you think there's a reason he doesn't want to go to the doctor?
But honestly, I think you should be a little more compassionate towards him. If you think you are miserable, imagine how he feels...the poor guy can't breathe and has to deal with this 24-7.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
If it's as bad as you're describing he should be able to receive medication to moderate his symptoms. Also, he should get bloodwork done to make sure it's not actually something worse since it actually kinda sounds like he has Cystic Fibrosis. The sweating is another symptom of that disease.
Also, his damaged nose is easily covered by insurance for correction so he can breathe through it again.
Good luck!
Ok.....................somebody has to be kidding here. This man has not been to see a physician and an ear nose throat specialist?
DH has had his nosed repaired after some sports injuries and working as a bar room bouncer. It's better but he was unable to sleep properly until using a c-pac machine. He doesn't need the full mask, just the nose thingmajig.
What a difference in his physical health and state of mind with a few months of sound sleep after years of sleep deprivation.
For now until the visit with the physician. Get one of those Neil Med saline nasal squeeze bottle flush kits and flush 2-3 times a day. Gargle with salt water too.
You don't have to endure a man who sounds like a pig rooting about in mud.
This! You also mention that he has a whole host of other issues that you haven't even brought up here. I would suspect, based on your mention of insomnia and the fact that he seems to be dealing with a crap-ton of long-term medical issues, that there is some depression involved, too. FWIW, I would suggest he go see his primary care doc for a thorough physical and some referrals to specialists immediately.
I have Chronic Renal Failure, which causes some pretty unattractive aspects, too. I'm sure glad my husband doesn't get turned off by things that are out of my control! That's really shallow.
Your husband has something more serious than asthma going on, and rather than being supportive, you're complaining publicly about how icky he is...poor you..have you ever stopped for a second to think about how it feels for him to know that he turns you off, or that he'll never be able to give you that "Hollywood Kiss" ?
P.S. They call it a Hollywood Kiss for a reason...it's all show and no substance, and mostly overrated once the flashbulbs dim out. If you want a pretty prince on a white horse with no yucky mucous, watch Cinderella. If you want a husband, stand behind the man you agreed to take in sickness and in health, and mean it.
I hate to add more fuel to the fire here but you NEED to get your DH to a doctor. Cystic Fibrosis runs in my family and it honestly sounds like he might have a late-onset or milder version of it.
Even if it's not CF, there are many issues that you have noted which can be remedied by a thorough discussion with your primary care physician. These issues are not going away on their own; they are making both you and (I'm assuming) your DH miserable, and the quality of your life together, and most importantly his health, should be your #1 joint concern.
Married Bio
And if he snores in his sleep -- and I'm thinking he probably does -- he probably also has sleep apnea and that is dangerous.
He needs to get to a doc. He also needs to have his deviated septum repaired.
Amen!
I wouldn't be that hard on her. I used to be with a phlegmy person and yeah it bothered me a little in the beginning and over time it turned into a really grossing me out thing. We aren't together anymore (due to other problems of course) and when I talk to them on the phone and AGAIN I have to hear all that grossness, I am SOOOOOO happy not to deal with it daily anymore.
Sometimes you think things aren't that big of a deal but over time it's like water dripping on a rock...it starts to wear you thin!!
Good luck to you OP. I hope you guys can find a medical solution for his problems.
Be careful not to hurt his feeling by telling him how gross he can be... Mucus and phlegms are disgusting but he probably already knows that. You should go to a Dr to see if there is anything that can be done so HE feels better and can sleep and not be all congested. You might also want to try Chinese medicine, acupuncture or natural medicine. Hope he feels better and you too...
First off, it definitely sounds like your husband needs to see a doctor immediately. It sounds like you should be worried about him, not mad at him or annoyed by him. I had to read this post just because of the title. Quite honestly, I think it's sad that your husband "grosses you out."
Did he have these problems when you were dating? There was some reason why you decided to marry him and spend the rest of your lives together. I think seeing a medical professional and getting some answers will help both of you. Imagine how embarrassing a problem like that would be on it's own and then to have your spouse be disgusted by you...that would hurt me a lot.
As far as the sweating, does he sweat all the time? Is it in certain areas? There is a condition called hyperhidrosis (I used to have it) that causes excessive sweating. It is caused by an overactive nervous system. There are things that can be done for that but as someone else mentioned, it may be related to another medical condition. I hope the two of you can work things out and remember to support each other in sickness and health, good times and bad.
I think you were brave to say something. People don't speak up, and from the comments on here, you can see why. I have some friends married only a year, and they have separate rooms. They love it. They don't sleep well together, but they are a wonderful, loving couple while awake.
The other health issues may be a bigger clue to the reasons there are so many things going on. Make sure to see a nutritionist as well. Your primary care facility usually has one they can refer you to that is covered by insurance. He could be allergic to wheat. Who lnows, but they will look at diet as a way to make health improvements.
Hang in there. I know it is hard. I sleep with a pillow blocking my husband and I in our bed on nights he has a few beers. If he has more than that he can sleep on the couch. If he has bad gas he can sleep on the couch. And believe me, I had to have the hygeine talk with him. We didn't live together before we were married, so he always spiffed up when we were going to see each other. Once we were married and living together it was a whole new world. I made sure to say that teeth brushing was not optional, and how he ate effected how he smelled.
I think you were brave to say something. People don't speak up, and from the comments on here, you can see why. I have some friends married only a year, and they have separate rooms. They love it. They don't sleep well together, but they are a wonderful, loving couple while awake.
The other health issues may be a bigger clue to the reasons there are so many things going on. Make sure to see a nutritionist as well. Your primary care facility usually has one they can refer you to that is covered by insurance. He could be allergic to wheat. Who lnows, but they will look at diet as a way to make health improvements.
Hang in there. I know it is hard. I sleep with a pillow blocking my husband and I in our bed on nights he has a few beers. If he has more than that he can sleep on the couch. If he has bad gas he can sleep on the couch. And believe me, I had to have the hygeine talk with him. We didn't live together before we were married, so he always spiffed up when we were going to see each other. Once we were married and living together it was a whole new world. I made sure to say that teeth brushing was not optional, and how he ate effected how he smelled.
One
moreI think you were brave to say something. People don't speak up, and from the comments on here, you can see why. I have some friends married only a year, and they have separate rooms. They love it. They don't sleep well together, but they are a wonderful, loving couple while awake.
The other health issues may be a bigger clue to the reasons there are so many things going on. Make sure to see a nutritionist as well. Your primary care facility usually has one they can refer you to that is covered by insurance. He could be allergic to wheat. Who lnows, but they will look at diet as a way to make health improvements.
Hang in there. I know it is hard. I sleep with a pillow blocking my husband and I in our bed on nights he has a few beers. If he has more than that he can sleep on the couch. If he has bad gas he can sleep on the couch. And believe me, I had to have the hygeine talk with him. We didn't live together before we were married, so he always spiffed up when we were going to see each other. Once we were married and living together it was a whole new world. I made sure to say that teeth brushing was not optional, and how he ate effected how he smelled.
One
One more thing, when I talk to older people who are divorced, most of them say it was the little things that built up over time. the pet peeves you thought you could live with. Sure, there are a few where cheating was involved, but the majority aren't.
I am one of those people that always asked what happened to peoples marriages because maybe I can learn from their mistakes.
My husband is a tremendous farter and burper. He farts three times every morning, and it's because his bowels wake up before he does. That's my cue to start the coffee. I've had Taco Bell smell burped into my mouth in moments of passion. I'm a pediatric nurse specializing in gastroenterology, nephrology, pulmonology, and endocrinology. I see grossness daily, but my sweet husband grosses me out more than any child ever has. But he's still my husband. Beneath the green cloud he emits is the only man I want to be with for the rest of my life. Why? First, he's apologetic. Secondly, it's become kind of endearing, and a little toot now and then makes me laugh. And it really has to be disgusting on an epic scale to gross out a nurse.
In your case, that much mucous in the upper airways is not consistent with asthma. Sounds like he needs a controller med, something like an antihistamine. Allergies and asthma often go hand in hand. Have him check in with his pulmonologist. And try to remember why you married him in the first place. Humans are gross. Marriage is grosser. I never thought I'd ask my husband how his morning constitutional went or if he remembered to light a candle because I needed to "go make a stinky" too. What can I say? We're disgusting. Thank goodness we found each other
aw sweety.... i think how you feel is TOTALLY understandable. my husband is amazing, and he doesn't have those same health problems, but i experience similar feelings to you over different health issues. it doesn't mean you don't love him. sometimes attractions come and go. initially when you're with someone, you are always feeling kind of turned on because it's new. some of the women who have responded to you had horrible advice and mean words. "in sickness and in health" -- sounds like you understand what that means... you are still looking for his great qualities even though you're struggling. that's marriage. it's just really hard sometimes. truly loving someone isn't being attracted to them all the time-- it's being with them and caring for them even when you are not.
i would go to a doctor together. also, maybe you could seek the counsel of your pastor together, or another older couple you trust and feel comfortable with. talk about this with a woman you trust, in person. the worst thing you can do is keep it inside.
WOW I can't believe how rude some people can be .. I commend you for speaking out and saying what's on your mind. And shame on the people calling you names. You ARE being a good wife .. by admitting the way you feel and trying to seek ways to change it/make it better for you and your husband.
I have only been married a few months, so I'm not going to try to give you much marriage advice. And I'm not a doctor either but I will voice the same as other posts, it sounds like he needs some new opinions .. he has to be miserable as well.. go with him to the doctors as the previous post said and try to figure this out and get him better.
On a side note, my husband and I sleep in different rooms. He likes to stay up late and sleep with the tv on .. and I'm a very light sleeper. It's sad sometimes because that's not how I thought it'd be .. but that's what works for us. Find what works for you. What's so great about the actual act of sleeping together when you really think about it? You can still be intimate in separate rooms.
Good luck!!
I find that often on these sites, people who post are genuinely looking for a network of people, mostly women, to confide in and get real guidance or empathy. So we're not all alone out there. I also find that many people commenting hide behind their computers and judge you with insensitive comments, making you feel alone and ashamed for ever posting anything. I wish we could remove all these people from the site. It is not helpful for anyone.
I appreciate you saying how you really feel to us and your husband. I feel for you.
I completely agree.
I have to agree with several others that have posted. I don't think you're being shallow. You're trying to get advice so that the little things in life don't mess up the big things and that's ok.
I also agree on this: Have him see a doctor. I understand how he feels. If he has asthma, the symptoms he has are not part of it, but they can be caused by it. I know from experience. It's called Chronic Sinusitis. (CF is rare in adults, so I would look at this more common cause first before panicking too much.) Basically it's having a sinus infection 24/7/365. People who have asthma are the most prone to it, especially if they have allergy induced asthma. And since he has a deviated septum, that adds one more cause to the list. It's a pain in the a** and can effect everyone's daily life. I know I blow my nose like I have a cold every single day. At work, customer's ask me if i'm sick and during flu season, they back away from me thinking they can catch it. Someone will ask me what a smell is, and I can't tell them because I have lost my sense of smell. If I don't keep tissues handy... well i get the icky sound being annoying, cause trust me, it annoys your husband a LOT more. In fact, it can cause depression, so be careful not to get on his case.
Let him know how you feel. Tell him the truth about how it's effecting BOTH of your lives. It may motivate him to get treatment. But be nice about it. Don't just complain about how it inconveniences you. I can promise you, he's already embarrassed and miserable as it is. Rather talk about what you would like to once he starts treatment. (If I'm right, it will take a while to fix, but it is treatable.) Tell him you want to someday have that Hollywood kiss moment and have long make out sessions in the shower. Get him excited about what will be and don't dwell on the "it's your fault" mantra. Good luck to you both
Oh, here's just some brief info, but there is a lot of info online. Sounds like his is severe enough that first line treatment will be rather useless. Again, speaking from experience.
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/chronic-sinusitis/DS00232
I created a username just to respond to this; I mean really, of all possible places for you to vent, with your photo, you choose this venue- yeah, you're ridiculous.
Now, if you're some kind of uber-religious kind of person who never spent a single night before your wedding with your husband, then I can sort of understand- but then if that's the case, this is what you get for going that route- however, since you mention previous relationships and huge hollywood kisses from other men, you probably don't fall in this category. This again brings me to back to the whole reason I created a username for this site- because you're ridiculous.
How can you hold these things against him- it's not his fault- I'm extremely flatulent, but my wife loves me enough not to go posting on websites, with my photo, whining to the world about it-
No, it seems to me that you're just another selfish woman, marrying for the wrong reasons, and bound to become yet another statistic. I feel bad for this guy-
Maybe though, he's spending his time writing into newsletters spouting about how ashamed he is to have married such a shallow person and how now he feels stuck and can't imagine spending the rest of his life with someone who complains about things she ought to be bigger and more understanding of.
Anyway, I'm sure that one day he'll recover from the broken heart you're about to give him, and find someone a little less self-centered and shallow. I wish him luck- and once again, you're ridiculous.
Sounds like you're a bit shallow too- making your husband go and sleep in another room- I had that kind of relationship once, it was called roommates.