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What is wrong with me?
I will try to make this brief.
I find my H attractive.... physically.... ect.. He is a nice guy, helps around the house, does nice things for me.... ect....
However, I just don't feel like having sex with him..... I don't understand how I can still find him physically attractive.... but not want to have sex with him...?
We have been going to MC over this.... for about 2 months now.... and nothing has changed.
Before we were married.... the sex was ok..... not the best I have had.... not the worst..... but falling right about in the middle. I should add that the better sex partners I have had are not nice guys. I also have a history of being sexually abused.
Now I just have no desire to have sex with him.... Help? Ideas? What is wrong with me?
I still find him attractive... but the idea of having sex with him.... I don't know it is like he is family now.... does this make any sense?
I'm not on BC and I have been off of anti-anxiety meds for 2 years now.
I know some of this might be TMI.... but I just wanted to give a little back ground.
Re: What is wrong with me?
I can sympatis with you. For almost three of the 6 years I've been with my fiance we did not have sex. We had sex for about 6 months in the beginning of our relationship and then I began to have pain during sex. Ended up being vaginitis (pain with intercourse). It totally turned me off to sex. I felt aweful, for not wanting to have sex and not even wanting to try. The biggest thing was support from my guy. He understood that it was out of my control. I would beat myself up about whether or not he would leave me over this situation even though it was nothing I had control over.
After I got the support from him, I had to come to some realizations for myself. I self helped myself, though you may want to talk to someone with out your guy being there. It was easy for me to come to some realizations, like I still loved him, found him physically attractive, didn't hate myself, all that.
From there move slow. Start small, date nights, making out simple four play without sex. You have to remember how to turn yourself on without the sex. Again it helps that the guy is patient. Some situations I'm selfish, I want the "o" moment and other nights I focus more on him, but everytime Its because I want to and because I'm enjoying myself. I never "fake it" and I always try to let him know what I'm feeling, without getting too feely (he is a guy
.
It's going to take some time and some effort on both of your parts, but if your still in love and patient, I'm sure it will all work out.
Not the best you had but not the worst? How come you didn't address this issue before you married this guy?
If sex is important to you and you love sex, perhaps you should have said goodbye to this gent when you saw what he was like in bed. As yu can see when you marry somebody the problem becomes a permanent one.
What I suggest:
Masturbate. If you haven't, begin now --- and find out what makes you feel good. Then share with your H.
Therapy for your sexual abuse issues and a complete physical with an internist. Have them check your hormones and your thyroid -- issues with each can destroy your libido or attenuate it.
I also suggest that here and now you open the floor and have a long talk with your H. You and he also need to learn to communicate; I don't see any happening at all.
There are mainstream bookstores that carry mainstream how to sex manuals for couples; there are also videos available there. Why don't you and he check some out?
If you have a past of sexual abuse and you haven't offically gotten over it that could be why.
I can speak from experience. I sometimes just don't want to have sex and usually it is bc I am subconsiously beating myself up for letting those things happen in the past and then i decide i really dont want to and don't feel in the mood later a week or so later i realize i'm doing it again.
You are not alone.
I am in a similar boat (minus the history of abuse). I still find my H attractive and we nearly every thing in common. Before we were married I loved to have sex, but now, some thing is different. I just don't feel like having sex. At first I thought it was stress from planning a wedding, buying and moving into a new house, and starting a new job; however, it's about 5 months into our marriage, I've been at my job for about a year and we have had the house for 7 months.
For us I think it may have to do with the lack of physical contact. We don't snuggle watching movies any more or watching t.v. He has a man cave and spends a lot of time down there.
I'm at a loss as well...
Are you in individual counselling for your past sexual abuse (sorry if I missed it in the OP)? If not, I suggest you get to it.
THis will not just go away. It will take time to work on the issue.
What's your H's approach to sex? Does he know about your past sexual abuse?
dup.
Could the problem be the 'type' of sex you have with your husband?....
If you were most pleasured by (perhaps) cruder sex with men who were not really very nice people it might be a situation where you know your husband is a good decent man who is caring and loving but that you actually need something different to his style of physicality.
It's not easy to tell someone you love that they are not really meeting your physical needs but the only way is by thoughtful communication. It might be agood idea to read a carefully chosen sex manual together and discuss how you would like him to treat you in bed,....in a loving relationship it's NOT always desirable to use sex to express that love all of the time. You might want to have a 'rough sex' night once every week,...or have a fantasy session every so often when you both play out a particular need or urge etc.......
.........There are many many ways to enjoy sexual expression in a secure realtionship, you have to first break the ice and then proceed as a couple of friends who are simply exploring some alternative sexual areas.
Seeing a marriage counsellor is an important first step. Being honest with the marriage counsellor and your beloved is very important. In the beginning of marriage, you could be shy about stating what you want in bed. A loving partner will try to meet your desires.
There are also several medical reasons why desire would be low (lack of sleep, low iron, vitamin deficiencies, cysts). See an MD to see if any of these items or any other items could be contributing to a low level of desire.
Either way, keep following through on the counselling. Counselling takes time but is so worth it. Good luck.