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dealing w/ a critical parent (or is it me?)
Apologies that this is so long and probably typo-ridden. I have already started on my wine!
I am in my early 30's, am very close to my mom, and...meh, w/ my dad. We hug and I will say "love you" when I leave their house, we talk about general topics when I am visiting, and that is about it. I know he loves me, but he is teh kind of dad that thought his job was working to support us and it ended there (my mom had a full career as well, retired after 30 years of teaching.)
He has always been more crticical than lovey-dovey. His comments towards myself are always weight/appearance related. The first time I came home after beeing away for two months at college the first thing he said to me was, "You're getting some thunder thighs." He would also pinch my waist or arms or make other comments about why my hair is a certain color, why my skin is breaking out, etc. Sometimes I would say something back, but most of the time just ignore it. I thought if I didn't give him a reaction he would eventually quit. Because it is still going on, and I have a pit in my stomach every time I go to visit my parents, I finally tried to bring it up. After a dig from him (re: do I think I really need a drink since I had a brownie...I don't need anymore calories) I asked him why he felt the need to be so critical of everyone, especially towards his own family (he gives teh same weight/food related comments to my mom, and my brother gets a harsher version regarding his job, drinking, anything.) He laughed it off, saying, "No, no, no...you just hear what you want to hear." And then walked out of teh room. Lol, yes...I want to hear that I am chub, ugly hair, wearting too much make up, etc.
I am a successful, professional, happy adult. But one comment about my appearance from my father and my eyes will well up. And it is EVERY visit. Granted, that is only a handful of times a year, as I have always lived at least 3 hours away, but I don't want to dread going home. And I would hate to stay in a hotel (closest would be 30 minutes from their house) just because I can't handle some negative comments. I just don't know how to bring it up and make it stop, when this is who he is. He is unhappy with himself (?) so he has to rag on everyone else.
I'm sure someone else has dealt with this. Any suggestions on how I can bring it up again (or if I even should) and try to positively resolve this? Or just suck it up?
FWIW, I am at a healthy weight and have been most of my life (did gain usual freshman college weight, then lost it,) so his comments are not out of genuine concern.
Re: dealing w/ a critical parent (or is it me?)
Well, what a charming person your dad is. I had one of those.
I found some success with him by making direct specific requests. It is useless to say "Why are you always so critical of everyone?" That's a whiny accusation he can easily mock/fob off with his responses of "Nuh-uh" or 'oh you're being silly".
Instead, try this: "I don't like it when you make remarks about what I'm eating, and I'm asking you to stop it; will you? Yes or no". Notice there is nothing about him at all in there. "I don't like this; and I want you to stop". And, there are only two responses: yes or no. If he will stop it, great. That's what you want. Why he does it is meaningless; it's likely because he's a mean spirited bully, and why he's a mean spirited bully is between him and his therapist, if he ever goes to one; but you are not going to draw him out on "whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy" he's like this to 'evvvvery one". He's not like this to everyone; he's like this to people he has power over and who let him get away with it. Which includes you.
If he won't stop it, then you can make your choice there too. Don't come. "I'm sorry; I asked dad to stop making remarks about my looks and he refused. When he will promise to stop, I'll reconsider making visits home".
Thank you SueSue! I was hoping hyou would show up. You always have such a specific way with words that gets right to the point.
I do see that he is a bully. I just have to think that he is unhappy with himself. He makes negative comments about strangers in restaurants and even his friends once they have left the house. But liek you said, I shouldn't worry about why he does it, that is his problem. Thanks again!
You are very welcome. It is really hard to come up with the phrases on the spot, so to speak; it's helpful to practice them out loud before your next visit with dear old dad. Be prepared for him to say things like "You can't tell me what to say in my own house" or whatever; and be prepared to say "Yes, you're right; I cannot. But I do get to decide what I'm going to tolerate, and I'm not going to tolerate that kind of commentary from you to me. Will you stop it or not?" and if he says no, say ok; just want to know what to expect in future, and get up and leave.
You have a great deal of power here, you just aren't exercising it.
Throw it back at him "I guess I got my "good looks" from your side of the family."
"Yeah, thankfully I got mom's sense of humor, and the Smiths (his familyname) complexion."
Or say "wow, dad, you're so charming."
"yeah, dad, It must be hard having me as a daughter. After all, you're a perfect "10" in the looks dept."
I'm not at all implying that what he says is ok, but ultimately if you want to deal with him, you've got to grow a thicker skin. He's a jerk, but he's not a jerk that wants to change and have a close relationship with his daughter. Accepting that your dad isn't too nice might help you out - it will lower your expectations. Mourn the father-daughter relationship that you're not going to have.
I feel like I could have written this post myself, verbatim. ?My father is obsessed with my appearance, specifically with my weight. ?It was the background music of my adolescence, and I am often amazed that I did not develop an eating disorder because of it. ?I have never been overweight, ?but I have never been able to feel comfortable in my own skin because of that tape of my father's disapproving voice playing in the back of my head. ?Before my wedding last year I went through a 6 month kick of intense (but healthy) exercise and low calorie eating, and I remember thinking many times about how proud my dad was going to be of how thin I had gotten. ?When he saw me all he said was that I was making a "great start." ?I was devastated. ?That was probably the moment when I realized how sick my thinking was: I had turned my father's approval of my physical appearance into the most important factor of my self image, and he was never going to approve.?
?I have tried to talk to him about this on many, many occasions. ?He always gets really defensive, and the few times I have pushed the issue it has started a real fight between us. ?It is always because I am being "too sensitive," according to him. ?But that is BS.
Because he refuses to change his attitude and treatment of me, we no longer have more than a perfunctory relationship. ?I got to a point where it was just psychologically unhealthy for me to put myself through more than that. ?I don't know that I have any advice for you, per se, but I know exactly what you are going through. ?My only option in my relationship with my father has been to distance myself so that I can begin building a sense of my own identity that does not revolve around my dress size. ?I'd love to see what others have to say, because if there is a solution that involves (a) my father not needing to change (b) my maintained psychological well-being and (c) an actual relationship with my father, I'd love to hear it! ? ? ??
Thank you so much for sharing your dilemma; it actually helps to know I'm not alone on this one!?
Yes, I know exactly what you mean. I was overweight for probably two years in college, and after that actually very fit. I was a part-time personal trainer and started competing in races, which I still do today. Even though I am a fit person, and I know I don't look like a donkey, I spend an embarrassing amount of time packing for a visit to their home. Whether it is picking out only the most flattering clothes or being sure I remove my dark purple nail polish, I spend too much time trying to ensure there is nothing he will pick on. I am an adult! This doesn't make sense!
Anyway, I am going to try what SueSue mentioned and go in with a script. I've never wanted or expected an ideal father-daughter relationship, by this point that would be weird and unnatural. I'm just going to stop the hurtful comments.
I second telling him that his comments aren't welcome and leaving if need be.
Where is your mother in all of this? Is she completely passive in all of this? I'm assuming he talks to her this way as well?
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