Thar she blows!

zitiqueen

01-15-2011 at 4:48 AM

stacey1845 Joined on 07-03-2010 6 Posts 168 Points --> My Mother is hurting our marriage..please help --> Hi everyone, I am hoping that some of you could help. My mother and i are very close but I feel as if she is slowly hurting our marriage. I have been married for 6months now and am so in love with my husband , he is 29 and I am 32, but today my mother and i got into a huge fight because she feels as if basically that my husband is not good enough for me. He is a wonderful man who works very hard and is incredibly generous. However, he came from a very bad family that doesn't really care about him at all.    When we first met he basically didn't have anything but I fell in love with him anyways and we both knew we were gonna get married. His family kicked him out of the house because they said there was not enough room for him, that was 3 months into our relationship. My mom was kind enough to let him live with us until we got our own place and got married , so for a total of about 2 months. We did get married fast , in 4 months , but we both just knew. Mom, expressed her concerns because she thought that I only was marrying him because all my other friends were married. But i knew that i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. He also never finished high school because his dad made him work with him instead of going to school. He now wants to go back and get his GED but that takes time to schedule with his work. Mom just wants everything to happen overnight. He also doesn't have a lot of credit because his family never taught him about credit so that is another concern of hers. But we are taking care of that too.   He is a wonderful person that treats me like a queen and has never wanted anything from me, But mom basically said today that she feels that he probably only married me because i had things and he didn't. And then she told me all of her other concerns but she knew that we were working on those. The thing is is that she made him feel like she really liked him and like a part of a family and now she is saying all this crap that upset me and him.He does anything for her , whenever she wants something done he is there so I really don't get it. She also likes to throw things in my face on how she has helped us in the past for with getting our apartment because at the present  time i am not employed because I got laid off from my corporate job. I just am really upset and confused I thought that she really liked him but now she is changing things and making us feel as if she doesn't. I love my husband with all my heart and am so thankful that i found him.  Any advice would be appreciated!

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01-15-2011 at 5:13 AM

ukyankee Joined on 08-05-2006 London, England 6,232 Posts 105,388 Points --> --> People aren't going to read this because it's one big block of text...you should go in and make it into paragraphs. But, here's my answer, if this isn't MUD...who cares what your mom thinks.  If she had concerns before you got married, she ought to have said something then, not now.  Tell her that you are married and you don't want to hear her concerns now, after being married for five months, because it's hurtful.  If she won't back off, then stop talking to her.  That's it.  He's your number one person to worry about.  Your mom's comments can't get in the way of your marriage unless YOU let them.

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01-15-2011 at 5:23 AM

stacey1845 Joined on 07-03-2010 6 Posts 168 Points --> --> Thanks for letting me know about the post .i fixed it. Also, I really appreciate the advice that's what i thought too but sometimes you just need other people's opinions. = )

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01-15-2011 at 7:01 AM

Maybride2 Joined on 07-02-2003 Michigan 8,387 Posts 152,814 Points --> --> To be honest - I wouldn't be exactly thrilled if my young unemployed daughter (you sound very young) married a bum high school drop-out after knowing him for 4 months. So far, neither you or your husband have done anything to prove anyone wrong about you - you needed to mooch off and live with your mommy because you two have no money, and you needed her to get an apartment for you because you guys are bums. Getting married didn't make you two responsible adults - almost any two dipshits can do that. If you want to prove to your mom that this guy and this marriage aren't big mistakes, you've got a lot of growing up and a lot of work to do.

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01-15-2011 at 7:13 AM

Maybride2 Joined on 07-02-2003 Michigan 8,387 Posts 152,814 Points --> --> I also get the impression that your entire relationship was born out of pity and you feeling like you can be his salvation from the horrible life that he's lead. I give it a year and a half - two at most - before you're living with your mom again and he's out of the picture.

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01-15-2011 at 7:23 AM

LarissaAnn Joined on 07-28-2008 Hawthorne, NJ 4,645 Posts 90,843 Points --> --> Maybride may very well be right... in which case, you've got a LOT of work to do. However, I will say this.  If you want this marriage to work, you will need to learn to tell your mother to back the ^&%# off.  I've been handling divorces for 15 years, and one of the primary reasons I've seen for divorce is parental interference because one party or the other didn't know how to tell his or her parents to back the ^@%#& off, This is YOUR job, since she's YOUR mother. What you say:  Mom, please don't make me choose between you.  I've made a promise to him, and if you make me choose I'm going to choose him.  He comes first, and that's that.  So if you don't stop badmouthing him, we're done.  And then no matter what is going on or what you are doing, if she starts badmouthing him, you get up and you leave.  Done.

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01-15-2011 at 7:54 AM

MarynJoe Joined on 09-21-2007 4,088 Posts 58,600 Points --> --> LarissaAnn: Maybride may very well be right... in which case, you've got a LOT of work to do. However, I will say this.  If you want this marriage to work, you will need to learn to tell your mother to back the ^&%# off.  I've been handling divorces for 15 years, and one of the primary reasons I've seen for divorce is parental interference because one party or the other didn't know how to tell his or her parents to back the ^@%#& off, This is YOUR job, since she's YOUR mother. What you say:  Mom, please don't make me choose between you.  I've made a promise to him, and if you make me choose I'm going to choose him.  He comes first, and that's that.  So if you don't stop badmouthing him, we're done.  And then no matter what is going on or what you are doing, if she starts badmouthing him, you get up and you leave.  Done.     I've found this is a very effective technique.

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01-15-2011 at 8:24 AM

TarponMono... Joined on 01-14-2006 9,756 Posts 157,436 Points --> --> So far, the jury is out on him and the jury is out on you.  As others have said, you married him, barely knowing him. At any rate, you need to have his back. And asap: find a place of your own and get out of there, even if it's a crummy basement studio one-roomer. It is never a good idea to live with a parent.

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01-15-2011 at 9:08 AM

stacey1845 Joined on 07-03-2010 6 Posts 168 Points --> -->  Maybride, you are wrong we are not young I am 32 and he is 29. And I did not mooch off my mommy as you put it. I lost my job in corporate america due to downsizing.If i sounded young maybe its because i was upset and still am about this and now I have to defend myself to you.That is not why i came here. I have also been employed and on my own for most of my life up until i lost my job. And i'll tell you one more thing if my daughter found a great man like I did i would be extremely happy for her.   We are not bums,I said she helped us with the apartment she didn't get if for us or pay for it. It is also in our names , we pay our bills ourselves and have never asked my mother for a dime. I understand that we have to prove something to her but I believe that her approach as well is yours is uncalled for. Just because people only know each other for 4 months before they marry doesn't mean they barely know them because, I'll telll you one thing he knows me more than anyone has ever known me in my life.

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01-15-2011 at 9:13 AM

stacey1845 Joined on 07-03-2010 6 Posts 168 Points --> --> Also Maybride our relationship was not born out of pity and a feeling that i can be his salvation. I am not a stupid,young immature girl that thinks or wants to save a man. If that is what I wanted to do I could have married my ex-boyfriend. To me you sound like a very unhappy negative person.

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01-15-2011 at 9:36 AM

jillboston Joined on 01-30-2002 810 Posts 13,060 Points --> --> Was your husband really living with his parents until he was 29? GED classes are held at night at the non-profit I work for so that the students can go there after work. I have to say that I find it hard to believe that your husband could not get a GED for the past 10 years because of his father. He may very well have come from a bad family but from the sounds of it he stayed with them for more than 10 years after they forced him to stop going to high school. I hope your mother's assessment of him is incorrect but I'm starting to see why she feels that way. Good luck to you.

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01-15-2011 at 9:42 AM

LarissaAnn Joined on 07-28-2008 Hawthorne, NJ 4,645 Posts 90,843 Points --> --> Stacey, you actually DON'T need to prove anything to your mother. Stop trying. All you really need to do is live your life as an independent married woman. That alone should prove anything you feel you need to prove. But in the interim, you need - I really mean it, NEED - to do is to make your mother back off. Shut her down. Do not stand for her badmouthing of your husband; your loyalty has to be to him. One warning: mom, don't badmouth my husband. Then when she does it again, because she will, you get up and leave. As soon as she starts, right in the middle of her sentence. Do that a few times, and she should stop. I know from personal experience.

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01-15-2011 at 10:11 AM

pugznploon... Joined on 07-22-2009 4,530 Posts 101,682 Points --> --> I agree, quit trying to prove yourself to your mother.  Be adults, live your life, and tell her to butt out.  She shouldn't be privvy to your financial life, your sex life, the issues and problems that may come up in your marriage. All of that needs to be private.   She will have her opinions about you and your marriage, as everyone will, especially since you got married so quickly, but the opinions of others shouldn't matter.  If she bad mouths your husband or your marriage.  You get up and walk away.  You hang up the phone. I'm curious, how often do you talk to your mother?  How often do you see her?  It sounds like you need to practice "leaving and cleaving" and setting more appropriate boundaries.  Try talking to her once a week, seeing her once a month, talking about more superficial things. Don't take her into your confidence if she is just going to trash you and your husband.  At 32 your mom's opinion should not matter to you.  You guys are adults, put your marriage first, and be direct in setting boundaries with her.

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01-15-2011 at 10:39 AM

magsugar13 Joined on 03-14-2007 9,663 Posts 174,238 Points --> --> So, he is 29 without even  a HS diploma and was living with his family up until a few months ago. All this is his families fault and he could do nothing about it until now. I'm not buying.

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01-15-2011 at 11:05 AM

amoramoure Joined on 10-10-2003 St. Paul, Minnesota by way of New York 201 Posts 2,804 Points -->

Maybride2

Bummer