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WWYD - Mom is not able to take care of herself. Long and gross, sorry
I live about 10-12 hours away from my mom. She is going to be 60 this year and lives by herself. Over the years, I have noticed that she is not taking good care of herself and I worry about her. She has always been a very religious person, and I recently found out that she hasn't been to church in about a year. She has a medical condition that I think she is lying about to minimize the severity. She is morbidly obese but will not change her diet. I think she has congestive heart failure based on the swelling of her legs and feet and the liquid that seeps from them. The smell from this is horrifying, and just walking into her house causes me to gag. She is not bathing regularly, which is just amazing to me. This is not the mother I grew up with. Other family members won't even go to her house anymore, and she won't leave to go to them. She even contemplated missing my brother's wedding last year. I laid down the law on this one.
I have a house with room for her, but she won't come live with me. This is ok, I understand. She has a caregiver that comes about 5 hours per week and instead of having her clean the house, she usually has her shop for groceries. WTF? At Christmas, I watched her eat a whole box of cookies. A Costco box. I asked her if she was really that hungry, and she just told me to leave her alone.
She doesn't really have any money, so my brother and I pay her mortgage. She is on disability, so she has some kind of medical care in (in CA), but I don't know how that works. She won't see a doctor, but she occasionally will go to see a PA a few towns away. He is a skin specialist, which to me is not really what she needs to focus on, but she likes him. I would like to go to an appt with her, but she is very reluctant to tell me if she has an appointment and lately has been canceling her appointments with him.
How do I get her some help and ensure that she takes the help? Here is what I have thought of so far:
1) Fly there and spend a day or two shopping and cooking for her, including stocking the freezer with healthy meals, and then following up regularly. This would cost me a bit, but I can find a way to make it work, just not every month.
2) Having a talk with her caregiver about "forgetting" to pick up the giant bags of m&ms, etc. Also hiring her to come in a bit more to do more cleaning.
3) Asking my brother, who lives closer, to visit her once a month or so to check on her and help around the house. She drives him CRAZY, and he complains about the smell (really, it is indescribable), but he is getting to be a lot more responsible. I know that he works two jobs and this is an imposition, but It would be nice if he would.
She has a hard time walking because she is so huge, so she is basically a shut-in. She is very proud, so she is above the following: 1) Meals on wheels 2) a mobility scooter.
Re: WWYD - Mom is not able to take care of herself. Long and gross, sorry
Can you go for a visit and get a Dr. To do a house call? That way you are there for the Dr's suggestions?
Honestly th9ough, she is a grown woman and if she doesnt want to take care of herself there really isnt anything you can do for her. She has to want to help herself. It is the same as any other problem, you cant get better unless you want to.
You will need some sort of power of attorney here -- that is my guess.
YOur mother evidently needs an intevention, health wise. If she is ambulatory she may not need live in help or be eligible for assisted living. Then again, her health problems may indeed be indicative of that, but you don't know what "official" type of health she is in. Her physicians would know for sure.
And I'm not trying to be mean but who is feeding her? I can imagine the food bill that's being toted up.
What I can suggest for starters: contact a social worker. Explain to the SW what is going on and see what kind of input and suggestions you can get.
At the very least, she needs a cardiologist and probably a pulmonary physician.
May be TMI but I will bet she is trapping bacteria and yeast in the folds of her skin. I've seen this happen one time with a very morbidly obese person.
Wishing you all health and happiness -- hoping you get this resolved to the best of everyone's interests. GL.
Fantastic idea.