Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: How do you feel about having babies before being married?
I feel it should be marriage and then children. I think it's so much better for the children knowing that their parents chose to be with each other without them having to wonder if their parents got married mostly because they got pregnant before marriage. Plus I think it's better for the parents to be able to enjoy being married before becoming parents.
I've gone to a few big weddings for couples that already have a child together and I think it's tacky and a bit immature. Big weddings are self-absorbed by nature (which I don't mind at all when you don't have a baby) and I believe when you have a child you shouldn't be throwing money at a big party, you should be focusing on making sure you have the finances for taking care of your baby not an open bar and an expensive dress costing thousands of dollars.
I'd personally do a small intimate wedding immediately and forget the big wedding.
Just because you're having a baby doesn't necessarily mean you don't have the money to throw a wedding. The two are not inherently mutually exclusive.
Given the situation as posted, I can't get worked up over it. Married folks have oops babies too.
I think once you're responsible for another life you should be saving money for their future not throwing a huge party for yourself. I'd feel the same way if a married couple decided to throw at least a few thousand dollar party and they had either an oops baby or a planned baby already.
Why? Once you have a kid doesn't mean that every single cent you have goes toward their future. You still get to have fun money.
A European vacation is pretty pricey. Might be as expensive as my wedding was. Does this mean we couldn't take such a trip because I could put that money towards my kids future?
And why wouldn't the same logic apply to people getting married before kids? Shouldn't they be saving all that money for their future? Even with a kid, we have more money available today to throw a wedding than we did when we got married.
I don't have an issue with it, at all. Like imoan, I think being in a committed "this is it" relationship is enough.
Maybe it's because I have a set of friends with children who refuse to get married until gay people across the board have the same rights.. or a lot of friends who had children prior to their wedding or were pregnant during the engagement.
What matters to me is how able to care for a baby the parents are. Marriage does not make a parent a good provider, it's other things.
Are you serious???
people often have issues when people don't do things 'in order'. DH and I get questioned all the time why we don't want kids ever. some people really and truly are that narrowminded tha tthey can't comprehend why we don't want kids-because it's out of 'the norm'.
do what's good for you-and no one else. if you make the choices you HAVE to be able to take any heat for your CHOICE as well. in the end those who realize that you're doing what's good for you and who accept it-no matter if they understand or not-are the people in your life that you want there.
I have a funny point of view on this since I'm the only cousin in my generation who has managed to get married without a baby in or out of the belly.
I've had two cousins who got pregnant while engaged and planning their wedding. In both cases they didn't alter their plans for the date, they both were about 4 - 5 months along at the time of the wedding, but they did scale down the wedding - guest list or otherwise. Neither of them took a honeymoon since they knew that they wanted to purchase a house.
On the other side, I have a friend of the family who got pregnant, admittedly on purpose, during a vacation to Cuba where she forgot her pills and told her boyfriend at the time that it would be "fine". They got engaged, had the baby, and then had a large wedding a year later. I don't judge them for the wedding since they have a good income, bought a nice house, and are able to take care of the child. I mostly just judge her for her admitted actions. They had been dating for 10 years and she decided to get pregnant to make him marry her. She also refused to get married before the baby was born because she wanted to be able to drink at her own wedding.
I have a third cousin who accidentally got pregnant while she was still in college. She moved in with the father and they are now engaged, although they have been for 2 years with no sign of wedding planning on the horizon. She completed her degree a year ago. They are not a good match and I know that my family teeters on the decision of if it would be best for them to plan a wedding or for them to break up. It's heartbreaking sometimes watching from the outside when you have so much hope for something better.
I'm a traditionalist, obsessive about my birth control, and I have gotten married and bought a house first. MIL's birth control rant was a success.
Married Bio
PS- I got married first and am trying to start a family now, but have no problems with friends who have decided not to get married for whatever reason (previously married, in support of gay rights, lack of faith in the concept, etc.), and then have gone on to start families. It's not my decision to make, nor my place to judge.
For me, I don't care if they spend a million dollars on a wedding if they can afford it - but if they have to wait a few months or a year to do so once she's already carrying so that the party happens and she fits into her dress, *that* is what I think is in poor taste in a self-centered type of way.
I do not think it is best to be pregnant prior to marriage - I've already cast my vote in for the traditional route. Having said that, once the pregnancy is in play, I'm not judging the baby, just the "we were going to get married anyway so lets....wait a little longer" attitude I see commonly (typically the excuse is the wedding party).
I don't know many people in their early 30's that have thousands and thousands of dollars in their bank to burn. If they have that kind of money in the bank they've been working hard and saving for something big, like a wedding or a house or student loans. And it does apply to people getting married before kids. We were fortunate that my parents paid for our wedding but we could've done a bigger wedding or had a longer more exotic honeymoon with the money we had saved but we chose to keep it for our future, like a new home and making sure we were debt free.
So if your parents wouldn't have forked over the money for your wedding, you would have just trucked over to the courthouse and had a cake an punch reception so you could save for your future? And why aren't you upset with your parents? They should have saved that money for their retirement. Aren't they thinking about their future?
We're in our early 30s. If we wanted to, we could throw ourselves a better wedding now than we did when I actually got married. And kiddo would still have a college fund. People can save both for their future and for fun. Having a kid doesn't change that. You can still save fun money.
And you already said you don't mind these big weddings for couples who don't have children. At least make a consistent argument.
My cousin got pregnant while engaged. Her parents were not very happy. They decided to go to the JP and get legally married and then had the big ceremony as a vow renewal later on (maybe 1st or 2nd anniversary). That solved the parent's "baby out of wedlock" objections and they were able to prepare for baby instead of planning wedding. Once things settled down a little, they saved up for a ceremony/reception.
That being said I'm very traditional. Wedding then baby. However, my brother had a baby with a girl he just met (literally she was pg 2 months after they started dating). Got married when the baby was one year old. He's now 10 and they are still together. My parents are VERY conservative/religious and were extremely upset at first but got over it. Once the baby is there, the grandparents focus more on the baby than anything else in my experience.
Before my parents offered to pay we were planning on a smaller wedding so we could still afford the house we wanted and get out of debt. I'm not upset with my parents for paying for a big wedding because they're well off so I know it didn't put their retirement in jeopardy. If it would've I'd have said no.
And I'm not denying that I don't mind childless couples having big weddings. The couples I know have saved for their wedding and they don't have the responsibility to care for another life so I say do what they want with it. It's just my opinion on this, you don't have to agree with it. I do agree with you that people can have kids and still have fun money.
Before my parents offered to pay we were planning on a smaller wedding so we could still afford the house we wanted and get out of debt. I'm not upset with my parents for paying for a big wedding because they're well off so I know it didn't put their retirement in jeopardy. If it would've I'd have said no.
And I'm not denying that I don't mind childless couples having big weddings. The couples I know have saved for their wedding and they don't have the responsibility to care for another life so I say do what they want with it. It's just my opinion on this, you don't have to agree with it. I do agree with you that people can have kids and still have fun money.