Family Matters
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Moving away from family.
My fiance and i live in my fiance's hometown where he was born and raised. After being in a long distance relationship, we decided to take it to the next level, and I moved 3 hours away to be with him. After living here with him for these past two years, i feel like its time to go back to my roots, and be with my family. He fits in so well, and my family is crazy over him, and love him like he is one of their own. I talk about "home sweet home" every now and then, to try and get a vibe from the fiance, but he never directly gives me his opinion. I feel like his family is holding him back from experiencing something new, and different, b/c he has said he "just can't leave." So, sometimes I feel a little resentment, b/c i felt that i left my family, job, college opportunities to start a new life with him. How can i express to him effectively that home is something I am passionate about, and I made a compromise, so why can't he?
Re: Moving away from family.
He doesn't give you a straight answer, or tell you how he feels about a compromise because you're not asking him a straight question or posing any real options.
If you want to know how he feels, sit down with him and say, "FI, I would really like to move back closer to my hometown. How do you feel about this, and how it would play into our plans for the future?"
Seriously, this is not a hard question. You need to spend some time focusing on open communication before you get married, because there are a lot of big topics coming up and you're going to have to have some skills to work through them in order to avoid every decision becoming a bigger problem.
What about your relationship made it so that you were the one who gave up so much, and him so little?
College opportunities? Friends and family? work? Why on earth would you throw all this aside for the chance to be near a man who is not interested in investing half this much in your relationship?
He isn't willing to move. If he were, he would have discussed it with you.
Live with it or move on.
I have some questions for you?
I would suspect that you are not with the right man. Part of finding the right partner is finding one that has the SAME basic lifestyle expectancies. If BOTH of you want to live near family and NEITHER of you want to live in the other's home town, that is a pretty big difference in lifestyles.
I suggest ending the engagement.
I was thinking of a mix between this:
And this:
As I read your post. By the way, if you REALLY wanted to compromise, moving to the middle, about 1.5 hours in each direction, is really not far at all. I regularly drive 1.5 hours for a half hour court appearance right within the state of NJ. If I can do that, you guys can drive it for dinner.
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I agree with PP and will add:
are there no jobs and schools is this new town you live in?
Why are you automatically jumping to his family holding him back?
the phrase "just can't leave", to me, can have multiple meanings. Not everyone wants to try new and different things. - something you should realize since you want to move back to where you are comfortable.
That said: my H and me were 4.5 hours apart, while I would have loved him to come to me (I had bigger house,more land, stable good paying job, and taking classes) that was not possible - He had a business to run - here where we are now. he loves the small town I'm from maybe one of these days when the business can "run itself" a bit better we will have two homes.
If you love this guy and if your relationship is going to work you are going to have to talk about this - and suck it up - three hour drive IMO is not that far.
It's not his family's fault he wants to stay there -- he's making that choice; they aren't forcing him at gunpoint to stay. Are they?
Just like you can't blame his family for him wanting to live near them, you can't blame him for choices you made. You chose to leave your family, job, and college opportunities to be near him. That resentment you feel is all on you, sister.
The only one in this entire scenario you should be mad at is you. Your FI has done nothing wrong and his family has done nothing wrong.
What "compromises" are you talking about? Move to his town or move to yours? Neither of those fall under "compromise".
It seems as if you don't relaly know how to TALK to him. Did you express this desire before you moved to him? And whether you did or not, you aren't really TELLING him what you want now. You talk around it.
Where you live aside - if you can't talk to him, this relationship isn't going to last.
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You need to ask him directly if is willing to move to your home town for a few years. Be direct.... don't hint around.
As far as the resentment goes, it is like poison to a relationship... if he is not willing to compromise... then the resentment you will have will grow until it is an ugly green monster and you hate him.... thus relationship over.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
I moved 2.5 hours away from my family to be with my H after we married. I would love to move back and live in my hometown again. It's not going to happen at least for three more years, but maybe never because we're a team and we do what's best for both of us. There are simply more job opportunities for my H where we live compared to my hometown.
Once you marry your FI he is your family. You do what's best for both of you.
If you both want to be near family, compromise. Do you/have you communicated with him what you want and hear him say what he wants? That's a good place to start.
I'm not a fan of hint dropping. Maybe I've been married so long, that we are just used to each other.. I don't know. But, I would just say it.
"Honey, I have been here for a while and I'm starting to feel homesick. I made this move and maybe I didn't think I'd feel this way, but I do. I want to talk about us moving back to city A, or maybe somewhere in the middle. What say you?"
Beating around the bush over this kind of stuff is only going to end in a very painful way. He will say he is not a mind reader, you will say he should know how unhappy you are.. and so on. Just speak to him, and if it has to end now it's better than being married with a kid and then deciding you want to move.
I'm another vote for coming out and saying directly what you're feeling and what you want to happen. From his perspective, I don't think he can realistically guess that moving back home is important to you or that you want him to do this- thus far, you've moved 3 hours to be with him, you've lived here two years, and you talk about home sweet home every now and again. That sounds like someone who thinks fondly of their hometown but is more than willing to live somewhere else. If you are someone who feels passionately about moving back to your hometown, you need to say out loud, "I really miss living in hometown, and I really want to move back. I would love to be close to my family and to live there with you. How do you feel about that?"
I would also pay close attention, during this conversation, to how both of you try to come up with a solution. Are either of you digging in your heels or trying to make a case about how your family's ties are superior or feelings about living at "home" are more worthy? Or are you coming together to work out a solution- does someone have the job opportunity of a lifetime in one area that isn't in another, or is there a timeline when making a move would be more financially feasible? Is there an area in between that would suit both of your needs?
I live in my husband's home town area, and travel to visit mine. It wasn't a matter of who was more attached to their family or their location or who wasn't willing to move- there were a zillion factors that caused both of us to arrive to that conclusion: financial, real estate, jobs, lifestyle, just to name a few. I wouldn't jump to conclusions about his willingness to compromise until both of you have laid all your cards on the table.
I'm kind of torn between thinking that you have given up a lot and he should do the same for you, and thinking that it is awfully selfish of you to expect that he move away so you can be close to your family.
As others have said, the two of you really need to work on your communication. This shouldn't be a hard subject to discuss. If you can't discuss this, how are you going to handle the real curveballs life throws your way? Be honest with yourself about what you need, and if the two of you can't strike a compromise, then this isn't the right relationship for you.
I completely understand how you may be home sick after moving away from your home town, I myself moved 6 hours away from my family and friends to live with my now husband in a town where I only knew him. It was difficult having no friends and missing out on a lot of family things. I never resented HIM for MY decision to move though, I think that's unhealthy. If you want to know his opinion about moving, you need to ask him. He's not a mind reader, men don't pick up on hints. And you have to be willing to understand that he may be uncomfortable with moving far from his family. Perhaps talk about finding a mid point between the two where you could settle down.
One thing to remember is that while your family (parents,grandparents cousins, etc) will always be your family, if this is the man you're going to spend your life with, the two of you are your own family and he comes before them just like you come before his parents, grandparents, and on and on. It's called "leave and cleave", you're leaving behind your family and starting your own with him. If you aren't ready to put him and his needs/wants first then you aren't ready to get married.
You need to be more direct than "trying to get a vibe".
I think you want him to suggest the move and want it without having to do the hard work of telling him what you want. You want him to read your mind.
I moved when I got married. My life is here. Suddenly deciding I wanted us to move away (even 'back to my roots) would be a MAJOR change in our lives. This isn't a simple compromise. Moving is a huge frigin deal.
I knew LONG before H proposed to me what future he envisioned, and knew that he would never be happy living near my hometown. And he knew those things about me too. Maybe you should slow down and actually get to know this guy that you plan to marry.......you know, before your pretty princess day.
ew, could you be more condescending? she's asking for advice ffs. the rsponses in this post are for the most part helpful IMO, with the exception of your response. ::: eyeroll :::
I don't think she is condescending at all. If you are planning to marry someone, you should have the basic idea about what each other wants out of life; from religion, children, finances AND lifestyle (which includes the type of area you want to live in).
These are basic questions you ask while you are dating the other person....to see if you are match or not. To not know this information by the time of engagement shows a huge lack of BASIC COMMUNICATION SKILLS.
I knew that my DH would not live in the National Captial Region (my hometown) before we met in person. I did not "get this" by asking point blank "where do you envision yourself if 10 years", I got it through the overall conversations we had about politics, places we liked to vacation and places we had already visited.
That meant that I had to make the decision early on to date him...just like HE had to decide if living south of the mason dixon line was ok for him.
The fact that the OP OR her FI dont even have that basic knowledge of each other is not promising for a strong future.
This, all of it. DH and I are from the same hometown, but my parents now live several states away. We drive the 6 hours to his mom's house at least once a month and fly to my parent's house when we can afford it. We would LOVE to be only 1.5-3 hours to family. It's really not that far.
To answer all of the questions, we do talk about everything, & he is my best friend in the entire world, i am just very careful when talking about moving because his family (the mother, grandmother, & aunt) wouldn't let him travel the 3 hours to see me at first, until he lied and just came. I am not one to talk bad and down someone, but his family is out of this world!! They are nosey, and will gossip about anything! I was always taught to never talk about someone, and not to be nosey, because it was not my place, or business. We currently live across the street from his grandmother, great aunt, and uncle. They watch our EVERY move, and want to know where we go, how long did we stay, and why. I think that is a little much for two people who are adults.
I don't feel like i am asking so much from him to even move half way, and recently, since i posted this blog, he has looked at houses, and trying to think about everything that involves moving such as a job, house, etc
? was he a teen?
I'm just saying I don't think you can judge parents for not wanting their teen to drive 3 hours to visit a gf. I wouldn't be comfortable with it either. Don't hold it against them now.