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No glove, no love, right?
First of all, I would like to state that this is not MUD. I am aware the issues that I am presenting seem ridiculous, but I had to unload somewhere because I am just so lost, I've run out of ideas.
My husband and I have been married for less than a year and I feel like the cliche saying of, "The first year is the hardest" has been the story of my life ever since.
My biggest issue right now I would have to say is the fact that we don't have sex. What newlyweds do not have sex? It really hit me today when I decided to actually count how many days we were intimate (I write them down in my planner) and it was a shocking 3 times-3 TIMES IN SEVEN MONTHS. We're in our early twenties, and although I have had some trouble with ovarian cysts and birth control, we're relatively healthy. Relationship-wise, not so much.
The big tiff, is that he refuses to wear condoms. I will admit that I take some of the blame on this because we never used condoms once we became sexually active with each other. We are both clean-and he has told me that with his previous partner he was safe (which is something I constantly bring up and occasionally doubt) I stopped taking BC because my body just wasn't having it-I would get migraines and nausea to the point where it was affecting my life, so I had to stop. I know guys do the usual complaining about condoms being inconvenient, whatever-but I would think that since I can't be the one who is responsible for preventing pregnancy, than he should man up and take over the responsibility. There is just no reasoning with him-he has told me that if it's between wearing a condom and not having sex, we just won't sex. Of course, I told him I didn't want to be in a sexless marriage (even though this is more of a issue of him being considerate) and he said if I wanted to leave him over it, than do so. His only rationale is that he doesn't want to go backwards-that I'm his wife and he just doesn't want to have to wear anything (he's also mentioned that they hurt him). Even after I've suggested ordering condoms online to better suit him, he still refuses. Yes, I know I can track my fertility and all that jazz, but I don't want to back down on this-am I wrong?
I'm doing my best to be understanding and even told him it wouldn't be forever, but still, he won't compromise with me. Valentine's day is coming up and I don't want to go another month without being intimate because frankly everything else is just adding more stress and I feel as if we're disconnected as it is.
Any thoughts? Suggestions?
Re: No glove, no love, right?
Your body won't tolerate hormonal birth control, so that means there are only so many options available to you. I supposed you could try a copper IUD or a diaphragm.
After a decade of using BC, my body started reacting poorly, and I had to stop taking it. My H and I used condoms for several years until we were finished having children, and then again for 6 months after his vasectomy. He didn't complain once. The fact that your H refuses to have sex unless it's on his terms doesn't bode well for your future.
I'm sorry, but if my DH told me I could leave over it, then I would assume he didn't love me that much. He seems like an ass.
Condoms hurt him? Ridiculous!!
L-R: Liam(5), Eimhin(3) and Fionn(1)!
Liam - Sounds like "Leem" The Irish form of William. William means "Will, Desire" and " Helmet, Protection"
Eimhin - Sounds like "Heaven". From the Irish word Eimh, "Swift, Ready". This name is particularly associated with St. Evin, a bishop who gave his name to the monastery he founded at Monasterevan in Ireland. It is also anglicized as Evan.
Fionn! Another name to confuse you Americans!! It is pronounced f-yun...like fun with a y in it. Fionn was a mythical hunter-warrior of Irish mythology.
I'm sorry, but if my DH told me I could leave over it, then I would assume he didn't love me that much. He seems like an ass.
Condoms hurt him? Ridiculous excuse!!
L-R: Liam(5), Eimhin(3) and Fionn(1)!
Liam - Sounds like "Leem" The Irish form of William. William means "Will, Desire" and " Helmet, Protection"
Eimhin - Sounds like "Heaven". From the Irish word Eimh, "Swift, Ready". This name is particularly associated with St. Evin, a bishop who gave his name to the monastery he founded at Monasterevan in Ireland. It is also anglicized as Evan.
Fionn! Another name to confuse you Americans!! It is pronounced f-yun...like fun with a y in it. Fionn was a mythical hunter-warrior of Irish mythology.
What a bummer! I totally understand you not wanting to back down. In my own marriage I often feel like I'm the one who adjusts and changes in order for a situation to be resolved - and it shouldn't always have to be us women!
I was wondering if maybe secretly you could track your fertility so it doesn't seem like you're the one backing down, but you have the assurance of knowing what is going on. Maybe that's terrible advice, but saving a marriage is serious business. But your H is being super inconsiderate. I have not-enough-sex issues too, and I just don't understand why anyone would not want to have sex. Mind boggling.
Good luck honey.
To answer your first question, newlyweds are not sex maniacs. lol At least not in my house. We have only been married for 3 months and this month we only made love about 4 times. We are both very much in love with sleep and that seems to win most of the time. I know it sounds crazy, but it is a fact. I will say that I can tell when we "need" to have sex because the connection seems to get a little weak.
As far as your husband is concerned, you guys have way bigger problems then sex. For him to say that you can leave him because he won't wear a condom seems like serious business and like he has pretty much made up his mind. I would call your doctor and talk to him/her about your situation and see what other options you have. This should not be about a power of wills but more about trying to make sure that you and your H are happy in your marriage.
I wish you both the best!!
Of course I can do NFP, but the point is that I want him to be responsible and considerate-I feel like I take care of everything else. I do understand that our marriage is on the rocks, which is why I absolutely refuse to even put myself in the position to get pregnant. I've spoken to my obgyn about the options, and he doesn't suggest a copper IUD-and out of personal preference, I don't want to have that hardware installed-which is why I'm trying to be completely understanding with him. At the same time, I have sensitive lady bits, so I can't use spermicidal foams, inserts, what have you. I figure a condom is the simplest solution. I do want children in the future, as does he, and he even brought up the idea of getting a vasectomy, but we haven't done enough research on that to make a knowledgeable decision.
And yes, I do realize that newlyweds aren't sex maniacs, but it's just not happening at all. I would kill for 4 times a month! We go months without. He does complain about it, and at times just wants to go for it without any prevention being used-and I have to say no because as I aforementioned, I am not going to bring a child into a messy marriage. I have explained that it would only be for the time being as I plan to try it out after giving my body somewhat of a break. It also doesn't help that I feel he's selfish because I'll relieve him by other means, and I get nothing in return-for seven months it's been about him! We've been married nine! I know it's an immature reasoning, but I figure if he could accommodate his past gf and wear a condom, why can't he be as considerate for his wife.
in that case, it sounds like this has less to do with sex and condoms and more to do with whatever else is going on in the relationship. when there are other issues going on, daily things can begin to be used as ways of retaliation. you think he's selfish and him not wanting to use condoms reiterates what you thought. but in a relationship where there are no other major issues going on, not wanting to use condoms might not seem like such a big deal and handled far easier. know what i mean?
it's also possible that there isn't much sex going on as a result of there being bigger issues.
i know that you dont want to have to take full responsibility for not having children, but sometimes as a woman, you just sort of have to. his response to not wanting to use condoms is ridiculous and childish, but at the same time, you refusing to track your own cycle because you want him to have to do something sounds almost equally childish.
my suggestion is to get yourselves in to marriage counseling and work on whatever the bigger issues are before even beginning to work on bedroom issues.
"Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen to Divorce Court. In the case before Judge Reasonable Nestie today we have StupidGirl and StubbornBoy. The grounds for divorce presented to Judge Nestie are complete lack of intimacy and lack of maturity and raging stupidity. Let's listen in and see what our couple has to say for themselves..."
OP, you are utterly ignorant of your birth control options. I don't have any problem with you deciding that hormonal birth control isn't working for you, but not fully investigating non-hormonal birth control options is just ridiculous. Here is the Planned Parenthood website outlining birth control options and their effectiveness:
http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/birth-control/birth-control-effectiveness-chart-22710.htm
You could have done some research and found that you could use NFP to chart your ovulation and avoided sex/found not-penetrative ways to be intimate during your fertile times. Or you could use a diaphragm or cervical cap to prevent pregnancy. (You claim that your sensitive lady bits can't handle spermicide but you want to use a condom, most of which have spermicide.) You could have looked into non-hormonal IUDs but you don't want "hardware". But no, you insisted that he wear condoms every time despite the fact that you guys weren't using condoms before marriage. You changed the rules of the game after you had already been playing for a while and insisted that it be only YOUR WAY.
Now, your husband also deserves a flogging for utter stubbornness. He dug in his heels about using condoms (and I am going to say that I don't blame him -- I hate condoms too) and as a result, he won't have sex with you. I imagine masturbating does seem a lot more appealing than having sex with someone who won't have a reasonable conversation.
So you stay at this impasse, instead of sitting down and saying "Ok, you don't like condoms and I can't use hormones. What can we do that meets both of our needs?" This failure to communicate shows a revolting lack of maturity, a critical ingredient in a successful marriage. The fact that you guys have been at each other's throats about this and not being consistently intimate for almost a year doesn't bode well for the future of your relationship.
BTW, the solution to your situation is for you to chart your cycle and for him to wear condoms the days when you are fertile. It is called a compromise.
You also say that BCPs are not reacting right with you. Sometimes it's just a simple method of changing your pill.
In many cases, it's the estrogen making the side effects. I went on Micronor after having my last child. Though the doc wanted to switch me back to a combo pill when i was done nursing...i loved that this pill had no side effects like the others (for me anyway). I also happened to be one of the people for which it stopped my period (6 glorious years of no pads or tampons!) The doc warned that it is SLIGHTLY less effective (as in 5-10% failure rate compared to 2-5% for combo pills). For me, it was worth the risk.
Honestly,though....I would think twice about a man so easily telling me I could leave if i didn't like his stance on condoms. Who would so easily let his new wife go over something like that?
This is NOT just about sex. Sex is a barometer of what is going on in a marriage.
I can't use the pill either. DH hates condoms.
We still have sex, love will find a way, IF YOU WANT IT TO.
Research other options, there are lots.
I have tried to sit down with him and talk about our options-and the only thing I get back in return is "just get back on the pill." And I totally agree that it's more than just the sex issue-I admit it. So when I get a response like that, of course I feel frustrated and become stubborn. I don't need lessons in communication-and I don't want to teach my husband how to be. Counseling would be a good idea, if I could get him to go....
it sounds like you both need lessons in communicating EFFECTIVELY. which is what counseling can and will most certainly help you with. start going yourself if he won't go with you. but if he refuses to work on the relationship or make compromises, then it's time for you to really consider whether or not to move forward. a marriage is about love, compromise and working through the issues. if someone isn't willing to do that, then why are they married?
fwiw-i bounced on & off the pill for years. when i was on them, we didn't use condoms. when i was off of them, we did. DH never fussed about it, it's just the way it was. your DH sounds like a stubborn manchild. i hope he agrees to work on this with you!
Wow, HARSH!!!
OMG! I felt like I was reading my own posts. Our situation is similar. We?ve been married 5 months and I completely understand the problems with lack of intimacy. My husband sleeps on the couch a LOT! Sometimes 7 out of 7 nights and I?ve told him how much it hurts me and bothers me and he will correct it for about a week or so and then go right back to the old habits. I have told him that this could be a ?deal breaker? for me and he was totally pissed. He said we need to work on our problems, and I told him I can?t work on this problem. I?ve talked and talked to him until I don?t know what else to say. We had pre-marriage counseling and he was told at that time that it was a HUGE deal.
I?ve actually counted days, also, so I know exactly where you?re coming from. We don?t have the condom issue, so sometimes I am absolutely baffled as to what the problem is. He says he?s stressed. Well, so am I, but I get even more stressed when I feel so disconnected from him. There?s been many nights I lay in bed and cry, not to mention it?s so embarrassing to talk to anyone about this.
I can absolutely understand your frustration, but I also agree with some of the other posts on here, that you may just have to take control and find other BC options.
I so hope your situation improves. If you?re not in this situation, people have no idea the stress it puts on a relationship and the number it does on your self esteem. Good luck!
I'm a bit baffled by this sentence. You married this man and you constantly bring this up and occasionally doubt him? 1 why did you marry him? 2 why do you keep beating him to death with this question? Why don't you two just go get tested? (I am of course assuming you question him being clean) If you're just talking about him using BC with a previous partner I'm not sure how or why this concerns you? If he doesn't have another child with her or a STD I don't get why it's your business?
My H would never turn down sex if I requested a condom. It's sex. Why would he say no? They do make very thin condoms, yes not as good as the no condom, but they are better than the bulky ones, that's what my H says. When I switch BC or go off of it, H knows the only way we'll have sex is with one on. I don't get what the big deal about condoms are. It still feels good either way.
I agree with all the PP's that you need to get into counseling. Especially the line about him okay with you leaving him over it. Leaving your H over not having sex with a condom is pretty silly IMO.
I can't really agree with marriage being the hardest the first year and maybe that's not fair because we've been together for 6 when we got married; but it really shouldn't be this hard for you...you're just starting out! I agree we don't have sex like rabbits, but I get it a few times a week, sometimes less, but I've never gone more than a week without sex.
Good luck to you though I hope you find happiness with your decision(s)
You have a very troubled marriage. You husband is an ass. You need to seek counseling for yourself and possibly your marriage if you think it is worth saving. Why would you put up with someone like this? as others have said the problem is much bigger than condoms. If he is willing to let you leave over condoms, he doesn't really love you. DO NOT take a chance on bringing a child into this relationship.
For the future, you may want to talk to others who have chosen the hardware form of BC. The Mirena IUD has low level hormone and has the added benefit of stopping most peoples periods for the duration of use after a few months of spotting. It seems for your own good you need to explore your options for the future and not be so stubborn. Maybe it will different if you leave this jerk, get therapy and find someone eventually who does love you.
If you question how "clean he is" tell him to get tested for STD's by his primary doctor before you have sex again, especially HIV. If you have already had unprotected sex with him, it may be too late.
I too can't use any type of hormonal bc because medication I take renders it useless at preventing pregnancy. My H wears a condom without comment because that's the only way we're having sex. My periods are all over the place so FAM isn't really an option. I chart, but I'm not relying on that to not get me pregnant.
Your H is being an a*shole. Seriously? Condoms hurt? And he's okay with ending your marriage over this? I say marriage counseling asap. Go without him if you have to.
I'm sorry, but your DH sounds like a jacka$$. If he seriously says that you can leave him or not use condoms, then I just can't imagine ever being married to someone like that.
I can not use hormonal BC for several reasons and H and I have used condoms for the past 6 years. We had one scare 5 years ago and since then have had no problems. H doesn't complain, we are plenty intimate and well, we're happy we're not preggers.
Your H needs to grow up and realize that they aren't that bad. I just can't stand when guys complain about them leaving the protection only up to us. It's so immature and insanely dumb.
Make a pregnancy ticker
I mean I guess, yeah if sex was all and only about the man's satisfaction I wouldn't judge him but only having sex three times with your wife in 7 months sounds miserable. How about satisfying your partner?
You have bigger problems then a birth control issue, you have a power struggle and an inability to work out basic marital issues.
This is much bigger than a birth control issue.
You two are locking in a power struggle (he will not use condoms, you will not use other methods of birth control like a copper IUD or NFP) and both of you refuse to work together as a team in this marriage for a solution. Instead, you are fighting from a "position" (of who is right and who is wrong and who will back down first) rather than an interest (both of you wanting to have sex and figuring out a way to get there).
I do think your H is being an a$$ for insisting you get back on the pill (and saying condoms "hurt"), but I also think you are being an a$$ for refusing to look at other non-hormonal birth control methods simply as you do not want to and insisting he use condoms which he says do not work for him either.
Honestly, you two should be seeing a counselor as this birth control and sex issue is only a symptom of some much bigger problems with your relationship dynamics.
This whole manner in which you have both tackled this issue is really alarming.
So ignoring the communication issue....
You know that Natural Family Planning can be a BOTH of you option. My husband and I do it together. We read Taking Charge of your Fertility. We mainly rely on temps, but sometimes when I'm sleepy my DH will put the thermometer in my mouth for me. He enters the information into the computer. Sometimes it feels like he is more in tune with when I'm fertile and when I'm not than I am. Because really at the end of the day the responsibility of birth control is on both of us.