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Dilemma with a Poll! Long-ish
Here's the scenario that I'll try to keep as short as I can:
Today I had the "pleasure" (ugh) of putting together an excel spreadsheet of the list of people I want to invite to my baby shower. *Dont laugh, Im an event planner by trade, so when I organize something, its usually this way.
So anyway, blatantly missing is: My ONLY sister, my mother in law, and all of my sister in laws. *Three SIL's.
The reason for this (I'll try to keep it short):
*My sister is the most toxic person on the face of the earth. She despises my husband FOR NO REASON. And this is really hard for me to understand as he's a big teddybear, and will give you the shirt off his back. Honestly, I dont know of anyone who dislikes him, he's someone with NO enemies, ya know? She treats him cold/horribly. I wont tolerate that. She is incapable of being happy for me, she's nasty and hateful and hurtful. This one is a no brainer for me.
*MIL & SIL's: They are HORRIBLE to my husband. They treat him worse than as if he doesn't exist, and I've cried many times over it. He has no relationship with them whatsoever. I have tried numerous times to invite them to functions - ie: our first Thanksgiving, I cooked for 30. They came to our home late, didn't talk to either him or me, complained about the food, and left early. As well, they are SUPER dysfunctional. The alcoholism, there has been patterns of them using him for $$ (and since I'm in the picture, that has stopped). My husband has a huge heart and it hurts him immensely. BUT he sees the dysfunction and has cut ties essentially. There's no relationship.
As for me, they treat me even worse. The mother has started rumors, and made up outright lies about me. She's gotten confrontational, and has escalated things in the craziest way. When we were trying to make a video montage for our wedding, I asked her for baby pics of my husband, she refused to let us borrow them. she then proceeded to tell the rest of the family not to help us. Petty, jealous things. One of his sisters has threatened to physically fight me (as if) - and she and the others have done and said so many hurtful things to me - I give up.
I've decided that I do not want them in my life, nor do I want them in my baby's life. They are not healthy people, not good to us nor good for us. So why have them around?
Since they have been told we are expecting - we haven't heard ONE word from his mom or any of his sisters. Until yesterday. The one who threatened to fight me offered to help with my baby shower. UM, NO. I dont want them anywhere near me.
The husband says that they aren't a part of his life, he's used to their dysfunction and that we're "starting our own family". I just want to make sure that I'm not wrong with excluding them. I mean, it doesn't feel wrong to me - hell, I'm excluding my own sister. So for me, they are all excluded.
Thoughts?
...here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart(I carry it in my heart)
Re: Dilemma with a Poll! Long-ish
It is my belief that you job as a (new) parent is to protect your child. Don't expose your unborn child to this kind of hostility. Your husband isn't asking you to, as a matter of fact he doesn't want you to. You don't need these people in your life if they are toxic. Your husband has already accepted that cold, hard, miserable fact.
As much as you'd like to think that a baby will bring out the best in people, it probably won't.
And, if you do invite them, and they do accept, you will spend the ENTIRE shower worrying that they are going to start trouble. You will not be able to enjoy one minute of it.
Don't do it!!
I'm not just talking out of my butt. I have a very painful relationship with my mother. So much so, I didn't invite her to my wedding. And after my son was born I thought I would try to patch things up with her, I mailed her his birth announcement and she mailed it back to me with a note attached that said she wanted nothing to do with either of us. It hurts like hell, but a toxic person is toxic, even if they are a relative. Do the healthy thing for you and the baby and walk the other way.
Thanks for this! This part stuck out to me especially because I absolutely feel that I want to protect my baby from the dysfunction. That's my job.
I am pretty realistic in that I have never thought that a baby will change how people behave - the world just doesn't work like that.
And you're TOTALLY right, if I did invite them - Id be preoccupied with what kind of scene they would start.
Thanks so much for your input!!
Thanks for this. Both of your feedback really helps. *Though someone voted that I SHOULD invite them, Im going to stick with my original decision.
I felt terrible yesterday when H asked me to read who I invited to the baby shower, and then he quietly said "Not even my mom?" - so I said "I thought we had this conversation, but tell me what you think about me not inviting her, and give me one good reason why I should" - he simply said "I agree with you 100%, you shouldnt - but I just wish it was different"
Don't we all. Life really doesn't need to be this difficult, but I'm pretty much at peace with knowing I put in a HUGE effort, and have done enough. I'm done.
It's not selfish wanting the best for your baby and to enjoy your baby shower. My mom is very difficult, but I think she's figured out to watch herself as she wants to be in my life. She knows that it's not required on my part to let her. If your people aren't at least making that attempt, it's not worth it.