WWYD-Friend related

rach83

So I have this person who I like to call my ex-bff. I complain about her a lot on here, so you may recall some of that.

Basically she just hasn't been a good friend to me lately, at all. She gets consumed with whatever guy she's dating at the time, drops off the face of the earth for the entire relationship, then calls me for consolation when they break up. She always breaks plans to hang out and never picks up the phone to call me and see what's up in my life. I actually stopped putting in the effort with calling and emailing her...because I was just tired of being disappointed in her lack of interest in our friendship.

Anyway, she just emailed me this morning and said "Hey girl it's been foreverrr! What's up?!" We haven't spoken in over a month and I really just have a lot of built up anger toward her. I really want to respond with something saying how I feel she's treated me, etc. But...I know she won't receive it well, and somehow I'll end up being "the bad guy".

I'm torn between sucking it up and being nice (again...like I always do), or telling her how I feel and that I really can't believe she can't even be bothered to pick up the phone to talk to me once in a while.

WWYD? 

 

Riss91

You don't want to create more of a hassle for yourself, so I'd just respond with something quick. Don't put in more effort than she does. Just say "Oh, yeah it's been a long time! I'm doing well, what's new with you?"

If she wants to talk about your relationship, and she initiates that, then I'd tell her what you're feeling. But I wouldn't respond with any of that now - it'll just start trouble that you don't need.

rach83

Riss91:

You don't want to create more of a hassle for yourself, so I'd just respond with something quick. Don't put in more effort than she does. Just say "Oh, yeah it's been a long time! I'm doing well, what's new with you?"

If she wants to talk about your relationship, and she initiates that, then I'd tell her what you're feeling. But I wouldn't respond with any of that now - it'll just start trouble that you don't need.

See, I kind of agree with you. And like I said...she never sees fault in anything she does. I've confronted her about similar issues before and she always somehow turns it on me.

I hate keeping my feelings bottled up and act like everything's fine when it's not...but at the same time, I really don't know if me saying anything will even make a difference.

Diamond_Doll

Riss91:

You don't want to create more of a hassle for yourself, so I'd just respond with something quick. Don't put in more effort than she does. Just say "Oh, yeah it's been a long time! I'm doing well, what's new with you?"

If she wants to talk about your relationship, and she initiates that, then I'd tell her what you're feeling. But I wouldn't respond with any of that now - it'll just start trouble that you don't need.

I whole-heartedly agree. I've dropped friends in the past for similar actions, but you (especially in your current "state" ) don't need that stress. I'd just reply with something short and sweet. Honestly, I have a similar relationship with my biological dad, too. He likes to call once every 2 months and complain because I haven't called him. Uh, the phone works both ways. Eventually, you just get tired of it and learn to match the effort put forth by others.  

Riss91

rach83:

See, I kind of agree with you. And like I said...she never sees fault in anything she does. I've confronted her about similar issues before and she always somehow turns it on me.

I hate keeping my feelings bottled up and act like everything's fine when it's not...but at the same time, I really don't know if me saying anything will even make a difference.

I've had friends like this. They seem like they want to be your friend, but then it's out of sight, out of mind. If you don't contact them, and pursue things, nothing will ever happen. And they refuse to accept that they could have done anything wrong. No self-reflection. Always defensive. It sucks to not be able to release your feelings. But it would probably suck more to express them to her and have her deny it and turn it on you. If she is willing to be receptive and truly wants to put effort into your friendship, then it is worth it. But she has to prove that first. 

Rach, you're too good a friend to deal with that nonsense! 

rach83

Riss91:

rach83:

See, I kind of agree with you. And like I said...she never sees fault in anything she does. I've confronted her about similar issues before and she always somehow turns it on me.

I hate keeping my feelings bottled up and act like everything's fine when it's not...but at the same time, I really don't know if me saying anything will even make a difference.

I've had friends like this. They seem like they want to be your friend, but then it's out of sight, out of mind. If you don't contact them, and pursue things, nothing will ever happen. And they refuse to accept that they could have done anything wrong. No self-reflection. Always defensive. It sucks to not be able to release your feelings. But it would probably suck more to express them to her and have her deny it and turn it on you. If she is willing to be receptive and truly wants to put effort into your friendship, then it is worth it. But she has to prove that first. 

Rach, you're too good a friend to deal with that nonsense! 

Thanks Riss. That's exactly how she is! I'm glad you girls can understand! I guess I will just give her a short response....less conflict and stress for me at least.

macdidlyicious

I had something similar happen with a friend of mine. Like you, I always put how I felt aside and took the high road. Then I just got sick of it. She was pissing me off so much with her flightiness, I just couldnt take it anyway. So I just told her how I felt. I wasnt dramatic just very matter of fact, this is how I feel. It turned out fine.

rach83

I even wonder if I should bother mentioning I'm pregnant. I honestly don't think she cares.

steeser03

i am the queen of being too nice when my friends treat me like crap. especially friends that i have had forever. i never had friends when i was growing up (if you read my blog, you know why) so i try to be the best friend that i can and hope for the same in return. it rarely happens and TBH i'm getting utterly exhausted with it all.

your description fits two of my friends to a T. they always have time for me when there isnt anything "better" in their life but when a new guy or a new friend or a new plan comes up, i get dropped.

i agree with Riss that its just not worth the confrontation...unless you feel like you need to do it for yourself. if it will provide you with the closure you need and you just need to get it out there, do it. if you dont feel like you need to do that and you just want to distance yourself, i say reply with something short and sweet and no i wouldnt bother telling her you are pregnant until you tell the rest of the world.

good luck.

kass09

rach83:

Riss91:

rach83:

See, I kind of agree with you. And like I said...she never sees fault in anything she does. I've confronted her about similar issues before and she always somehow turns it on me.

I hate keeping my feelings bottled up and act like everything's fine when it's not...but at the same time, I really don't know if me saying anything will even make a difference.

I've had friends like this. They seem like they want to be your friend, but then it's out of sight, out of mind. If you don't contact them, and pursue things, nothing will ever happen. And they refuse to accept that they could have done anything wrong. No self-reflection. Always defensive. It sucks to not be able to release your feelings. But it would probably suck more to express them to her and have her deny it and turn it on you. If she is willing to be receptive and truly wants to put effort into your friendship, then it is worth it. But she has to prove that first. 

Rach, you're too good a friend to deal with that nonsense! 

Thanks Riss. That's exactly how she is! I'm glad you girls can understand! I guess I will just give her a short response....less conflict and stress for me at least.

As always, I think all the pp had great things to say, and I know I'm late in the game, but I've been in a similar situation.  I think what I have learned is that as we get older, friendships change, and that is OK, as long as you recognize how the friendships have changed and are at peace with it.  I have a similar friend, and after stressing about it, and always bending over backwards for her and not getting it reciprocated, I've learned that she is just the way she is, and I've accepted her friendship for what it is. So, if you've made peace with it, I would say leave it as it is, reply with an equally quick response, and go with the flow, but not go out of your way for the time being.  You have bigger and more exciting things to focus on right now!

rach83

kass09:

rach83:

Riss91:

rach83:

See, I kind of agree with you. And like I said...she never sees fault in anything she does. I've confronted her about similar issues before and she always somehow turns it on me.

I hate keeping my feelings bottled up and act like everything's fine when it's not...but at the same time, I really don't know if me saying anything will even make a difference.

I've had friends like this. They seem like they want to be your friend, but then it's out of sight, out of mind. If you don't contact them, and pursue things, nothing will ever happen. And they refuse to accept that they could have done anything wrong. No self-reflection. Always defensive. It sucks to not be able to release your feelings. But it would probably suck more to express them to her and have her deny it and turn it on you. If she is willing to be receptive and truly wants to put effort into your friendship, then it is worth it. But she has to prove that first. 

Rach, you're too good a friend to deal with that nonsense! 

Thanks Riss. That's exactly how she is! I'm glad you girls can understand! I guess I will just give her a short response....less conflict and stress for me at least.

As always, I think all the pp had great things to say, and I know I'm late in the game, but I've been in a similar situation.  I think what I have learned is that as we get older, friendships change, and that is OK, as long as you recognize how the friendships have changed and are at peace with it.  I have a similar friend, and after stressing about it, and always bending over backwards for her and not getting it reciprocated, I've learned that she is just the way she is, and I've accepted her friendship for what it is. So, if you've made peace with it, I would say leave it as it is, reply with an equally quick response, and go with the flow, but not go out of your way for the time being.  You have bigger and more exciting things to focus on right now!

Thanks! I really appreciate the advice and I think you're points are right on.