Rhode Island Nesties
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
moms ...
how often does your dh watch the kids, stay home with the kids, take the kids... whatever you want to call it?
is there a specific day/time that he has them? does it change every week? is it often or seldom?
mila belle 3.26.07 and isla leighton 5.12.09
mila belle aka mimi and belle and miss isla aka ileigh : )
mila belle aka mimi and belle and miss isla aka ileigh : )
Re: moms ...
Extremely seldom. I feel like I have to pull teeth to get him to stay home alone with her. If he knows in advance, he usually goes to his parents house with her so he isn't watching her alone.
When he occasionally does on weekends when I have to run errands or something for an hour or two, he ultimately gets her to sleep and then it ruins her nap schedule. Usually I bring her with me anyway since he's almost always sleeping in.
Last time he was alone with her for a whole day was one day when my daycare was closed and he changed her diaper ONE TIME the whole day. I wanted to murder him.
I'm not happy camper about this and it's definitely a hot issue in the household lately. I feel like some days the only time G sees DH is if I can get him to sit down and eat with us. Its at least a little better than it was for a while, but I'm still no where near happy with it. I haven't gone out by myself for something that isn't an errand since JULY!
since I work nights..he gets them from 5pm until bedtime (7pm) a few nights a week. If I am working on the weekend, he has them for about 5 hrs.
I have been doing a "girls night" about every other week for some me time. It has been really nice.
on a side note..last Tuesday I had him take a 1/2 day so I could go to IKEA with friends. We left at 12:30 and returned home at 9pm..I found him fast asleep on the couch when I came home...guess they wore him out. Now he knows what I do all day with them.
Ditto this - This is part of why I"m with her most of the time, although the other part is me feeling like I can't ask and then the whole history of how he's been when he's been alone with her (Didn't want to paint it 100% like DH is a complete a-hole).
he stays with them both if I want to run errands alone or have an appointment. He stays with J while I bring N to her drs appointments in Worcester, and stayed with N when I brought J to her ophthalmologist appointment back in January (and probably will again in May). He brings J along quite a bit of the time if he's running errands or wants to window shop - they have Daddy/Belly Day and get lunch. I'm super jealous of this since having N (J doesn't want me alone, I need to have N too). DH also does bath time when he's home.
For the general childcare when we're both home, he spends a lot of time playing with J and will change dipes if he has to. He's still nervous about the baby care so I don't push it.
eta: it took until J was about a year old for him to bring her out alone and now he loves it b/c he's used to it and it isn't so daunting. He doesn't avoid N (to me it's reading like he does so I want to clear that up), but she is very attached to me and goes from happy & laughing - peeved off in .3seconds which frazzles him (and most everyone she does it to) so he makes sure I'm close by just in case when he spends time with her.
I wish it was a bit more often. My DH also pouts if I say I need to go/do something alone. I don't mind taking E with me most places, store etc. But sometimes I just need a night out (maybe once a month if that) and he still pouts.
He plays darts every Tuesday night, leaves right after dinner. I also watch my nephew while his dad plays darts too. So Tuesdays I have 2 kids. I don't mind because Seth def. keeps Elijah occupied and he loves having someone to play with, but I also need a night alone.
I am thinking of finding a hobby to do 1 night a wk so I can get some me time.
Any ideas?
I go to work first and DD isnt usually up at that time so DH has her from when she gets up till the time he drops her off at daycare so he has to get her dressed and feeds her breakfast every morning. I usually lay out her clothes the night before for him. If she gets up while i am home still I will give her breakfast, but he still gets her dressed and drops her off. I pick her up from daycare everyday.
On the weekends i go out on friday nights around her bedtime and saturday mornings he will get up with her in the morning so i can sleep in a little. And i do sunday mornings with her so he can sleep in a little. My sleeping in is always a lot earlier than his though. He sleeps in till maybe 1030 and i only get till around 8-9. But he does go and get me a coffee at dunkin so i guess i cant complain about that...
He has maybe given her a bath twice ever. Although i am traveling six different weeks this summer so that will change.
This sounds so awesome. I am often saying things like "will you just be with her for a few minutes so I can eat this cereal?" and then as I'm chewing my last bite of cereal he is handing her to me and getting up to check his phone.
Jess is a great dad but I am with C about 95% of the time. I have been away from her for an overnight twice, and he did great, but in general we are almost always all together as a family or I am with C by myself. I have book club once a month, but she is asleep so I don't really count that as watching her. Maybe once a week I get to go out and do something without her for an hour or two and he'll stay home. He's only been out of the house with her, by himself, once.
Part of me feels like because I don't work (even though we all know taking care of a baby is work!), and because I breastfeed, that she is more my responsibility than his. These are my words, not his, and I certainly would NOT want to trade places and work 60+ hours a week like he does! However, I do wish I could just decide go take a shower whenever I wanted without worrying who was going to watch my baby.
Before I started working.. it was the "mom show" 24/7. HOWEVER, since he worked nights he would let me sleep in the morning since he was never here at night and quite frankly I'm not nice if I don't sleep, and he would just take a nap when K did before he went to work.
Now that I'm working he's with K during the day and then we "switch off" at naptime. K goes down and DH leaves for work.
He's actually better with children than I am.
Nothing pisses me off more than when Dads take issue with being with their children alone. No offense to anyone's husband, and honestly I didn't even read all of the responses...but come on. You did the deed, they're just as much your responsibility as they are mine.
Dan is alone with the kids a lot! He'll take them shopping with him quite often to give me a break. I make dinner every night and I go "off duty", so to say. I mean, I don't even consider it watching them. When he's home, he's just as much in charge as I am. If I need to run errands, they stay home with him. I just don't get the issue some Dads have. It's kinda pathetic. Man up already!
Very well put! This is exactly how it should be! Believe me, it wasn't like this right off the bat for Dan and I either, but I think when they're infants it's harder for some Dads to take the initiative on their own. A lot of them are clueless!! But, we did a lot of talking in the beginning, there were a lot of tears on my side...and we got there. It's only fair!
for me dh will take them every am for breakfast, but i am usually up anyway because he gets ready for work first ( i find this annoying) and they read in bed with me or i put on a tv show or play with blocks in my room). then they are mine all mine, until they go to sleep. i shop with them, work with them, cook with them, take a dump with them... you get the point.
on the weekends dh wants to split 50/50 for us to take time to do the things we like by ourselves, but i dont think that is very fair either. i work at least one full day each weekend. sometimes he will have the kids so i dont have to drag them to the shopp , but sometimes i do take them. then on sunday he wants time off and so do i...
part of me feels that he does desserve and need the time on sun because his life is work and then us - nothing else. but the other part of me feels that i do so much during the week that i should hold the ALL or most cards on weekends. sorry if this sounds selfish. besides dh fully loves his crazy intense job so i also think that he gets me time during a trip he might have to take, a lunch with his collegues, a dinner for work... i NEVER.
dh would always watch them if i ask ( i hate the asking- feel like it should just be) but with our crazy schedules it turns out we /i have to ask to go to a gtg or to run an errand. he wants me to get out more, but we are so jam packed it just never happens - often i am too tired or all the "work " has already been done.
he is supportive of my feelings towards this and we are making small changes so i was wondering where you guys stood. i think i would love what mrs kmmmmmm does! and i think i have a sim situation with ach. maybe not. i dont know . thanks or the comments !
Seth is home with the girls all day Saturday when I work. He took Zoe to art class on Saturday mornings for awhile, he would drop her off and then he and Lily would have a little playground/DD date while Zoe was in class. He would also have to take Lily to soccer in the fall if I was working. He has no issues/problems with any of this.
He goes 'out' every friday night to a friends house and sometimes brings the girls with him to visit with his friends.
He has a ton of vacation time saved up so he has been fortunate enough to have been able to take the last 2 school vacations off to hang out with us.
Also he has taken days off as needed if I had to be at work, if I was sick, or if there are school activities for him to attend. We are so fortunate that his job allows for that.
Oh and I should say I took a three day weekend this winter and have had a couple other overnights and he is totally fine and encouraging of this. He's always telling me to go out more too so...
I worked with a stupid guy who would always say he had to babysit the kids...IDIOT! They're you're kids...Drove me nuts when he would say that.
whatdya know kmm does have a good schedule too!
oh and dh will play feed change diapers do a bath whatever with the kids he has no problems or does not get weirded out by that. he is really good and loves to hang with them on sats especially ( they always play games or go on adventures)- but when i get home he hands them right on over before my two feet are in the door!
"It's not a sprint, it's a marathon." - Alex & Ani bracelet
My blog: Dodging Acorns
DH basically takes over as soon as he gets home from work, but I really don't get "me" time then. Usually I spend the time finishing up cooking dinner. We'll eat, we do the first half of bedtime routine together (bath time, baby massage, singing, and prayer), then he feeds and puts him down to sleep. While he is feeding, I'll clean up the kitchen and pump. Then, some nights I'll have a blissfully long hot shower. Others, I'll just veg out on the couch. When he is done putting him to bed, we'll have some us time. But it is usually short, as I go to bed early.
He doesn't help in the morning unless I ask him to. On the weekends, he is more than happy to take care of LO - feed, change diapers, etc. - but he'll never offer to watch him for a while so I can go somewhere on my own or take a nap or just sit and read. If I want to do something like that I have to say that I want to. I don't *ask* if he minds watching him, I just basically tell him he is going to and he never complains. He does love hanging out with the little guy. But it would be nice for him to offer giving me "time off" on weekends every once in a while.
We need to discuss how everything is going to work when I go back to work. Right now, I don't complain much. Especially now that Benjamin is older and I'm getting more used to taking care of him. But when I'm not home all the time, we'll need to have much more of an equal balance going on between taking care of Benjamin, taking care of our home, family time and alone time.
THAT right there is what I hate. You do NOT babysit your own children. I know too many women unfortunately who, when asked if they want to go out with friends, say "I have to check and see if DH will babysit". Give me a fuckingbreak.
I had a friend who was like this and I reamed him a new one when I found out. His wife actually ended up in the hospital because she was having suicidal and violent thoughts. Her kids were 2 and 3. Turned out she was getting NO help at home and he was being a complete ass about giving her time to herself. She couldn't take it anymore and she snapped.
It's so important not to lose yourself once you have kids. Both Mom and Dad should have some semblance of a life outside of the house. But it has to be as even as possible.
Can you tell I'm touchy about this topic?
THIS! DH is AWESOME with the kids. When he gets home, it's definitely 50/50, and we alternate every other night putting the kids to bed, making the dinners, giving medicines, giving baths, etc. Once the kids are down we usually watch tv, or read, and the making of the next day's lunches is not always 50/50, but with the kids it is. He usually works a few hours on Saturdays outside of the house, but when he gets home it's definitel 50/50 and I really don't think he'd have it any other way. I have my Thursday nights out and he goes out usually about once a week too. He seriously rocks.
Its pretty equal here too. With E, DH was home all winter since he had a seasonal job and he loved it. Although he has a different job now, he spends as much time as possible with the boys. His days off are Thurs and Fri so he's with them all day while I'm at work. I'll usually give him a heads up if I plan on going somewhere but we each will run an errand solo and its not an issue for whoever's home with them.
Housework on the other hand..... ugh!! That part is like 99% me!
i work nights - so dh does solo duty m-r and then saturdays for 4 hours. he will every so often give them baths - but it usually ends up horrific! lol, 2 in the tub when they both love water is interesting! but yea, we split things up pretty evenly... its not like he was just a sperm donor. sometimes he has to work all weekend (like this past one) and we all get stressed. i like to tell him that if i wanted to be a single parent, i could just move out. (joking of course) if it comes to a night out for me, i usually plan it and then tell him oh i'm doing this on xyz... and he would do the same.
It's so important not to lose yourself once you have kids. Both Mom and Dad should have some semblance of a life outside of the house. But it has to be as even as possible.
Can you tell I'm touchy about this topic? This... and I am starting to get the feeling that I am getting to this point. All I do is work and be home with A. I don't know how to get away from it.