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meeting dad after 33 years; long & dramatic! (repost)
Long but dramatic. Sorry in advance for misspellings and typos, my nest spell check doesn't work (error message) & I can't C&P into Word to proof the text there.
So here goes. My mom & dad divorced when I was 5 & my brother was 8. Very messy split, lots of court battling over custody, etc. My maternal grandmother & paternal grandfather were stirring the pot big time - each aggressively positioned on the side of their own child. I remember (at 5) talking to a judge in his chambers about who I wanted to live with, etc. In the end, as per the norm, my mom got primary custody & my dad was awarded visitation (occasional weekends & one week in the summer, she lived in OH, he lived in VA).
It should've ended there, however a short time after these arrangements were made, my mom met a man (who went on to become my stepdad, a sweet man) and she wanted to completely expunge my biological dad from our lives. My mom and maternal grandmother got yet another attorney to draw up papers petitioning that my biological dad forfeit his paternal rights. Keep in mind this was *after* a long, horrible custody battle in the courts, and a subsequent visitation agreement. When my bio dad got the papers, he was devastated. The custody battle had taken a serious toll on all of us, including me and my brother, and with this latest petition, bio dad knew the drama was never going to end until one of them (him or my mom) walked away. It was the hardest thing he ever did but he signed those papers hoping that, by giving up his rights, he could give my brother & me some semblance of peace in our lives.
Despite knowing that he couldn't visit with us anymore, my bio dad still tried to remain in distant contact w/me and my brother. He lived 3 states away but he'd call from time to time. This was back in the days of phones with cords and my mom would hover over us when we were on the phone with him. We felt that we were supposed to be cold & indifferent to him so that's what we did. He would send us b-day cards & cards for other occasions. One time I remember a $50 bill in one, that's a lot of money to a little kid!! It's strange because my mom wouldn't hide the fact that my bio dad was sending us cards but she'd say that he was manipulating us and she'd mail all of his correspondences back to him, money and all. I'm sure she returned some of his mail without us even knowing it existed. This entire time, my mom and her family completely vilified my bio dad to me and my brother. We were taught to fear and despise him...and so we did.
Finally, when my brother was about 15, my bio dad called to tell us that we had a new younger half brother (just born) and my brother took it upon himself to "tell off" my dad, telling him to stop contacting us because we didn't want anything to do with him. (I didn't necessarily feel that way...I was more confused than angry...but I had no power. I was 12 and my mom and stepdad were the hand that fed me.) My brother basked in "telling off" our biological dad since this earned him lots of unspoken praise (& maybe some spoken praise, in private) from my mom. That was about 1985. I'd wondered about him continuously over the years, even wondering what he looked like. My mom had cut him out of every picture, and destroyed tons of photos and albums w/him in them. I only had the fuzzy mental recollections of 5-year-old me. My stepdad was our new dad. We were to move forward. Period.
I didn't hear from my bio dad again until 11 years later in 1996. He knew that my brother and I were both grown and he came looking for us but we had moved to another state. He contacted my maternal uncle and left his contact info, in case myself or my brother wanted to reconnect (as adults.)
I have been SO curious about him, and what *really* happened that caused such a mess all those years ago. But I was incredibly (as in completely, totally, utterly) scared to reach out to him, in case my mom had been right about him. With my husband's and best friend's encouragement and support, in early January I hired a private detective to do a background check on my bio dad, just to see if he has a criminal record, etc. There was nothing bad on his report. So I thought some more about it. One night I found my paternal aunt on Facebook (bio dad's sister). I was too nervous to do anything.
Then finally on Superbowl Sunday, I messaged my paternal aunt on Facebook. Her response was immediate and filled with joy, love and celebration. I cried when I read it! She said the entire family has missed us so very much, and that there has always been a big gap in their family without me & my brother. She subsequently spread the news about hearing from me, and my biological paternal family (even extended!) has gone into the stratosphere with happiness! Since then, I've been in touch w/all of them (including my 89 yr old grandmother who I remember fondly!)
My husband & I have plans to meet my dad (and his wife of 27 yrs) on 3/19!! Just the 4 of us, for now. (My kids - my dad's grandkids - will meet him later, after we've established our new relationship.) My dad and his wife have been beyond thrilled about all of this. My younger half brother is 26 and he seems somewhat unaffected (but I admitted to him that I'd have mixed emotions, if I were in his shoes!)
To say my dad has embraced me back into his life would be an understatement. I've never felt so wanted and loved! He says it feels like his daughter has come back from the dead, that they'd been mourning us all these years, and he and his family would still all talk about me and my brother at holidays, get togethers, etc...wonder what we were doing, figure out our ages, etc.
It has been bittersweet for me and my biological dad because in reconnecting w/him, it has dug up old wounds and questions. We have spent hours upon hours on the phone. He patiently fills in the fuzzy voids and gaps in my memory. He readily admits making mistakes and not being the husband or father that he should've been. He has apologized with humble sincerity. But he steadfastly holds to one fact -- that he *always* loved me and my brother, and always wanted to be in our lives.
Meantime, my mom and brother have NO clue this is going on, and wow the shiznit is going to hit the fan when I tell them. They are both on the egocentric side & will feel that I've betrayed them but this was MY choice, I'm 38 years old & I needed to do this for ME & for MY family (husband and kids). I'm dreading telling them, but I just needed to know my father! (My bio dad is now 67 years old, so who knows how many years we have left?)
I've made it clear to my biological paternal family that I contacted them on my own - solo - and that my brother and mom are in no way involved. My dad and his family whole-heartedly feel that if my brother wants to reconnect, he should do it when/if he wants to. They will not try to contact him. So in essence, the reunion with my dad will not affect my brother/mom directly (in that my bio dad won't be part of their lives directly.)
To wrap up this novella, I want to give my dad something when I finally see him again, but I don't know where to start! I don't want to give him pictures of me in grade school or anything like that because it'll just remind him of all that he's missed. He's a very sentimental person, that much is clear! He didn't miss any of my life by choice -- it was forced. The way my mother described him, it was like he some caricature of a horrible person...I could never believe that someone could be as despicable as my mom and her family were painting my bio dad to be. Meanwhile, he missed 33 years of my life, my wedding, the births of my children, everything. All that time I was convinced (read:brainwashed) that contacting him would be a HUGE mistake. One time I told my mom I might like to meet him and she ominously warned me that I'd be 'opening Pandora's box'. (So far I see no evidence of that.) So I don't want to remind him of years he's missed, we have to focus on the future.
Any ideas, thoughts, insights? Gift ideas? And I'd love to hear from anyone who has experienced anything similar (adoption, reunion w/bio parents, etc...)
Re: meeting dad after 33 years; long & dramatic! (repost)
Wow. Reading your letter made me happy and sad at the same time. I am around your age, and can't imagine being cut off from my dad for such a long time. I also remember the 70's (when your parents were getting divorced), and how stacked against the dad those days were (although to be fair, the $ side was stacked against women).
I have a friend who went through something similar as you (although her dad was local, the mom wanted his money, so there was always contact and she reconnected with her dad after college). I also have a (male) friend whos wife pulled a similar stunt with him. She is graduating from college and is seeing her dad for the first time in over ten years. Again - it was the dad not wanting his daughter pulled into the drama, but it's so easy to think "what a jerk, not contacting your kid for so long."
Anyway - - maybe a family photo of you NOW? You, H and your daughters. I think that would mean a lot to him. Maybe you can even have one done at the picture people or somewhere not to pricy. I think it is something that says "let's start - now."
Also, warning, while you are happy now, don't be surprised if you are filled with jealousy at some point. My friend who reconnected with her dad (after college, but our age) was very jealous that the son of her dad's girlfriend got "the son treatment" from him (he was young, around 10 when she was 30). She realized it was irrational, but felt that "pang," (like, "wow, I wish my dad had taken ME fishing..").
I would also refuse to discuss your dad with your mom, brother or any maternal family members. You can friend your dad, but have him block your maternal family on FB so they don't notice anything.
First, congratulations on being brave enough to contact your estranged family. My bio dad and I do not speak, but that was my choice. I can only imagine how wonderful it must feel to reconnect after all these years.
Have you told your children about this? If so, I would make up a gift box filled with drawings from the grandkids, a current framed photo of your family (as pp suggested above) and maybe a letter from you about how much this reunion means to you. As a sentimental person, I think that a gift along these lines would appeal to him most.
Wow, that's quite a story. I'm so glad things are going well.
We have some long distance family and one of their favorite gifts from us was photo coffee mugs with pics of the kids. They've said they use them every day.
Wow. I admit I skimmed your post because I'm at work, but kudos to you for trying to learn his side of things.
I would start slow. Send pictures, ask for photos, then ease into phone calls, and lead to a meeting.
I've never met my biological dad (at least, not to my memory). I think I found him online and saw pictures of him with his kids, etc. Even though I have no fond feelings for this man, I was insanely jealous when I saw that. So just be prepared for those feelings. Even though your mom and step-dad sound like they were generally kind, loving parents; knowing your dad "went on" with life in a sense might be painful.
GL to you!!!!
74 books read in 2011
Wow, I am kind of speechless. What a heartwarming story and I would love to hear an update after your reunion with your dad.
I am sorry to say I have no suggestions on what else you can bring, I think pictures are a great start. I think the majority of your time will be a lot of hugging, crying and talking
I have to ask though and you can tell me if you rather not talk about it, but, are you angry with your mom for all this lost time with your dad? I think, that, if everything you said was true and your dad was forced to sign away his rights, I just don't know how I could even look at my mother again. These are years you can never get back and nothing in the world can make up for that.
It reminds me of something my SIL tried to do. When she got married she wanted her son's bio dad to relinquish his rights even though he paid a great amount of child support, on time and was very active in his son's life. The only reason she wanted her H to adopt him was because she envisioned a picture perfect family and having the bio dad in the picture ruined that. She even went and legally changed her son's last name with her H's last name (long story there). Fast forward a year later and she ended up divorced with her son's last name being the step-dads. It's all sad really and his bio dad is still very active in his life, now, more than ever.
I am overjoyed for you! I think that you doing what you felt is right for you is key here. I wish you nothing but the best in your journey to reconnect and bring back a part of your life that you feel is lacking.
I agree w/ pp that pictures of your family now are a wonderful way to start. Things will hopefully continue to progress wonderfully and over time you can add these "new" family members into your lives by having pictures done together, etc.
I applaud you for having the courage to stand up for yourself and get the truth. I don't speak to my bio dad, haven't for many years, and it was all my choice. I couldn't be happier. I have a wonderful step dad who filled the void of what I always hoped a great dad could be. He's only been w/ my mom for 14 years, married to her for just over 5 years, but its like he was there all along. I hope that you will find peace and have a sense of love and meaning from your relationship with your dad and his wife and their child. GL! Hugs!
Congratulations.
I did this a few years ago. I'm 39. Very similar story - however I was 2 when parents split. So I have very few recollections of my birth father.
I found him before my son was born. I reached out to him. Funny story I have about finally finding the right person (I used the internet, didn't hire anyone) - but it involved the knot.. strange but true.
I am sure this is such a bittersweet and emotional time for you. Good luck and best wishes for 3/19! When we had our first meeting I was very nervous and it just was very nervewracking.. but it went very well.
One thing that we did is get a digital picture frame that connected to the internet. Then you upload pictures on a website to the "Frame" and it updated in his house. So I was able to send him pictures of me, the family, my kids to keep him updated.
Anyway - good for you, and good luck!
(PS I totally agree with exactly how you are dealing with the situation with your brother and mom)
What an incredible story. Good for you for being brave enough to pursue this. So many people would not be able to reach out like that, but would always continue to wonder about it and think 'what if?'
I think it would be great to give your dad a photo of your family NOW, as Wahoo was saying. A picture of you, your H and your kids together is a nice touch, and would have the sentiment of moving forward. Come back and update us on how this goes, okay? Good Luck to you.
This is both a sad and great story. Not knowing your family or their background I cant help but hate your mother. Unless there is some extreme circumstances in which your father did something you dont know about (which I dont really think there is but obviously I dont know either way), I cant help but think your mom is incredibly selfish. I actually know a family where this same situation happened. I was the nanny for the fathers new child and they are close family friends. The mother made his life such a living hell that when she suggested and pushed for him to sign all rights away to the new step dad he just caved. I know he did not want to but was honestly trying to give his daughter the best life possible, which in his eyes wasnt being put in the middle of his mothers hatred for the father. I'd met the girl a few times before he signed away rights and it was sad how brainwashed she was by the mother. The things that came out of her mouth were definitely straight from the mother, there is no way a 4 yr old would've thought these (untrue) things on her own. It really was so sad. The dad was really devastated. I've always wondered what will happen in the future in that situation. Congrats on re-connecting with your dad and his family! I can only imagine this will be a great thing for you and your family and you deserve to know and share joys with him. I hope you dont let your mom/brother's opinions discourage you or stress you out if/when you ever tell her.
This story really resonates for me. My story is not the same but there are some similarities. I was adopted as a baby. A couple of years ago I tracked down my bio mother. She was initially happy to hear from me and gave me my bio dad's name and the names of his two brothers. Then after about two months of effusive emails she just stopped contact. No explanation, nothing.
About a month ago I tracked down my two bio uncles. My bio father went missing 40 years ago and the family has no idea what happened to him, so he's out of the picture. However, my bio father's family has been SO welcoming, it is wonderful.
I anticipate that within the next two months I will be meeting all of them.
I actually think that although it is a great idea to focus on the future with him, it would be nice to give him a few photos from the past. Maybe some milestone shots like your prom or graduation. Your wedding, your kids as babies, etc. Maybe make up a small album for him.
This is a great story and I am so happy that you reconnected with this side of your family and that they all have been so thrilled to hear from you!
Kudos to you for pursiing this. I also think a photo of your family now would be lovely. Don't put too much pressure on yourself though. The relationship will evolve and after you get to know your dad again you can deicde what he might like to have and if he would like mementos of the things he missed. I know a couple of people that have good relationships with their bio-moms, but they are more like friends than mother/daughter. I truly hope everything turns out even better than you imagined.
I am so sorry that that happened to you. It's strange that I saw this today because on my way to work I was thinking about writing a letter to my father, who I haven't seen since I was maybe 7. I have his address from a search a few months ago and I've been curious.
I don't remember much about him - I remember him taking me and my sister to the playground and he would always bring presents. According to some of my mom's family, he was a good and decent man. She has always had some issues, including mental health issues, and started a relationship with the man who became (for all intents and purposes, they were never married though) my step-father and was a horrible man and I think this pushed her to drive my father away but like I said, I don't remember very well.
Anyway, your story is sad but I hope meeting him again ends well for you and your family and it has inspired me to send my letter.
You sound extremely dramatic and like you are being a sh!!t-starter. There are three sides to every story and in this case they are your mother's, your father's and the truth. You don't count since you are in dreamland right now.
You have romanticized your relationship with your prince...uhm...I mean father. Beware of that.
And be a grown-up and stop repeating the wrongs you feel were done to you by keeping everything a secret from your "other" family.
It is not a mature way to handle things. You don't need to create chaos and give some payback to your brother and mother for stealing Daddy from you.
Huh? I have to disagree with this pretty much 100 percent. The OP is free to have a relationship with whoever she chooses and her mother and brother are free to do the same. If they get their knickers in a wad that is their issue, not the OPs.
This is typical behavior - psychologically speaking.
Read her post again. He is puuuuuuuuuuuuuurfect in every way.
You sound like the mother. Get your head out of your ass and stop being a b****, you don't even know this woman. Moron.
What a crazy story. I would not tell your brother and mother about this meeting for a good, long time. Establish your relationship with your bio dad and his family first, because you know they're going to flip when (if?) they hear about it.
I'm not going to pull a Spenjamins and spew uncalled for hatred your way but do try to go into this with your head, and not your heart. There could be hurt ahead, and you need to be mentally prepared that a fairy tale might not lie ahead for you.
(please excuse any typos, my daughtr spilld juice on my kyboard and the keys are all sticky)
Hmmmmmm. I'm of two thoughts here. Either your mother is an incredibly selfish woman who has kept this wonderful man from bing a part of his children's lives bcause of her own hatred, or she was doing her best to protect you from a bad situation. You need to move slowly, get to know him and your other relatives carefully and slowly. I hope this all works out best for you. And please don't exptect perfection all the time, I'm sure you'll feel jealous, angry, betrayed, etc as you learn more about him. No one is perfect, and you seem to be viewing him as the perfect father who got unfairly cut out of your life. Who knows for sure if this is the case, maybe the person he is now is not the same he was then, and you ar actually better off for knowing him NOW. MAybe he would have been a crappy father back then.
As for pictures, I don't see why giving him pictures of you as a child, the child he missed so dearly, would be a bad thing. Yes he wasn't there, but this may be a way for him to learn about you and feel like a part of your past. A current family picture is a sweet idea, but ASK him about your childhood pictures, don't just assume he wouldn't want them.
As for your mother and brother. Out of respect, I think you should be honest with them. Being sneaky and lying about things is never a good option. Just let them know you'll be meeting him, but don't engage in any discussion about the why's involved. You are an adult and make your own choices. They don't need to know details of why you're meeting him, what he's been doing, where he lives, ANY information they get about him should come from him alone.
Good luck to you.