Family Matters
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
We're not ready yet! For a baby!
I'm a recent newlywed and since coming back from the honeymoon I've had this question shoved down my throat. "So when are you going to have a baby?" Argh!!!!! I feel like I have already answered this question before while we were engaged but now it's like that didn't matter to them. I feel annoyed about all this baby propaganda thrown at me and it's unwelcome. Don't get me wrong my Husband and I want kids, just not now. We have many reasons but mainly we're not ready. We want to enjoy that honeymoon period for a while longer and continue that phase of relaxation and enjoy our marriage. For two years we were planning our wedding and now we feel we earned some well deserve r+r. I know some folks may think we are being selfish, well we are. We just want to spend time together, just us, go on vacations and get our lives and nest ready.
So my question is "how do I deal with folks asking when are you going to have a baby?" without totally losing it since it might be the billizionth time I have been asked.
So my question is "how do I deal with folks asking when are you going to have a baby?" without totally losing it since it might be the billizionth time I have been asked.
Re: We're not ready yet! For a baby!
I empathize with you. It's died down a lot since family and close friends all know we're waiting 4-5 years and we're not changing our minds. Every now and again my mom will read more into me talking about a friend being pregnant or whatnot, but all in all it's gotten a lot better.
Just keep repeating "We'll let you know when we're ready/pregnant." Or say it's not open for discussion if they really nag you about it. Its no one's business but your H's and yours. So if you both don't want people butting into your private business tell them to stop.
Oh, and you shouldn't use your email address as your user name. There are crazies on the internet. You'll have to start a whole new nest account with a different email address to do that.
From the Moderator.
I would suggest deleting this post and using a different profile name. Using your e-mail is not a good idea.
Tell them it's none of their business, and when you're ready to have kids, you'll let them know. GAWD, I hate how everyone feels the need to make that their business.
And FTR you're not selfish for wanting some couple time before starting a family. At least you both know what you want and what you are and aren't ready for in your lives. I don't want a baby, ever, and when people ask I flat out tell them I'm not the least bit interested in carrying, delivering or raising one. It raises eyebrows, but oh well. It's not their decision. H doesn't want anymore children and I'm perfectly content with my sweet SD who will be fully raised in 5 1/2 years.
My advice has 2 prongs...
1- the prong of the people who are innocently asking. It's a "what's next in life" for you question. Were you offended when you were dating and people asked if you were going to get married? To many, it's just a quesiton like that - oh, now that you're married, I guess a baby is next?
Doesn't mean it's not annoying, but... w/ this group, my advice is to not come out of the gates w/ guns blazing. Just say "We're going to enjoy being married for awhile first." w/ a smile and then change the topic.
2- the prong of people who are really being nosy and won't let up (often the potential grandmoms!). W/ this group, you may need to get more firm and say "It will happen when we're ready and not any sooner. I would appreciate it if you'd stop asking. Thanks".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm so surprised that so many people are plagued by this question. I don't recall many people asking me this and when they did I would just tell them "I don't know. We're just enjoying being newlyweds for now *wink wink, nudge nudge*."
I wouldn't get so worked up about people asking first of all. They'll ask, it happens, people are obsessed with babies for some reason.
What worked for me though was to answer them in as blunt of a way as possible, I get very few people asking any more.
So when someone asks "baby's yet?"
I'd reply "Gawd no!" or "I hope not!" or "One life changing thing at a time please!" or "oh sure straight away, 'cause who'd want to actually enjoy just being married first?!" or "Not for a while, I like drinking wine too much!" or "nope condom hasn't broke yet!"
"We need to do a LOT more practicing first" usually shuts them up really fast.
I feel your pain. my DH posted something on facebook last night about his promotion but worded it in a way that people thought I was pregnant (think - Starting a new adventure today!). People were calling my Mom to congratulate her and ask where we were registered! I was so peeved at him for feeding the frenzy. He thought it was hilarious. I however, did not. He's lucky he didn't have to sleep on the couch last night.
We've been getting this A LOT lately. Most of the time we just respond with "Not right now" or "at some point" just vague. Sometimes I'll tell them you'll know when we're pregnant so don't worry.
It's so annoying and half the time it's the same people asking the same question.
We got this question a lot - especially from my family. We just told them the truth that we had some debt from before our wedding that we wanted to take care of first and that we wanted to get a little more firmly on our feet financially. After that we were open to getting pregnant.
Of course our plans have been revised since. We may not be completely out of the hole financially but have decided that it wouldn't be the end of the world if we got pregnant.
GAH!! My MIL was the worst for this... even before we were engaged, she hinted that we could skip the step of getting married and just start having kids. Now that we're married she's stopped because we've told her she has two grandchildren... the dog, Nala and the cat, Chloe.
At work, everyone asked as well... we've just said that we're not having kids. Plain and simple. It's shut a lot of people up...
For some of us, the questions NEVER stop getting asked.
We've made it no secret since we started dating that we are not having children. Ever. Its our decision, yet my mom & H's parents can't seem to get that through their head. The 3 of them make comments all the time about how nice it would be to have another grandchild (my parent's have 4 between my siblings and H's parents have 3 from their other son), and how I will change my mind, blah blah blah. For us, we just got to a point where we said tough, its not going to happen so deal with it. For 4 years its been brought up every time we see them, but we just shrug it off now.
I'm dealing with this from my own family itself. Despite how, for years, I've told my parents that I was not having kids and no, I wasn't going to change my mind. No, I don't need kids to brighten up my day. "But you're so good with children!" <-- this kills me. Yeah I handle children well, but I also handle animals well and I rather have two cats than two kids. (Well I'm trying to steal a cat from my neighbors because they horribly neglect him. Throwing him outdoors while a hailstorm was happening is neglect and he's so filthy.)
My aunt has taken the task to make my reproductive system "healthy". She's always showing up with this for my ovaries, this for my uterus, etc. etc. I don't understand it. She refused to have kids. I thought she'd be my support but instead turned with the mob lol.
While I made it clear we weren't having any, I still get harassed about it. 12 years later. Honestly, I just don't want to endure the pain of having one, the worry of hoping I raised the kid to be a good member of society, and that they are safe, constantly worry about money, worry about becoming a single parent, worry they will turn out all right, worry they are good people, worry that they will love me as much as I love them??....
I was told by a co-worker "I'd live a very lonely life"
I've used lines such as, "I like getting woken up on a Saturday to the sun shining not a screaming child"
"Life's so good with my husband now, why screw it up"
"We don't need any more ugly people in this world (LOL)"
"I like rolling out of my bed and going out on the boat all day"
"Just not ready to ruin my body"
"I'm enjoying playing with my "toys"" (Cars, boats, etc..)
"I like seeing my friends"
"My goal is to visit every Carribbean island there is, and swim up bars don't allow kids"
My list could go on and on....
Since its out of the "norm" to not have kids, I love the side eye I get all the time. I feel like I'm walking a Pit Bull into a playground full of kids with the looks I get !! Hang in there, people are used to the same old routine, and to most, having a kid is the next step after marriage.
I totally understand. Fiance and I are getting married next month, and I've already been told we need a kid this time next year! To top it off, MIL is converting his old bedroom into a "grandkids" room! Great!
I really like the comment, "No, the condom hasn't broke!" However, this may not be appropriate in Sunday School when everyone is asking about babies