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Differences in Families
My boyfriend and I will be moving in together May 1st, either to Michigan or North Carolina (we find this out today). We have been in a long distance relationship for a year and a half and feel that it is time we finally move in together. We were discussing it this morning, while weighing the opportunities before us, and I expressed my desire to become "close" to his family....
I am extremely close to my family and we have a great relationship (with our standard issues). He, on the other hand, is not close to his family and has expressed no desire to develop a close relationship with his relatives until after we have started a family. I feel that it is important to have a good relationship with parents. He thinks that I'm trying too hard, but I came from a family of a long line "untouchables" and non "i love you"s... my parents broke that... my grandparents now always hug and tell their grandchildren that they love them.
Am I crazy for pressing the subject or should I keep at it? I regularly send them gifts and cards... if we move to Michigan I would routinely have dinner with his family, if not monthly then bi-monthly.
Please give me some advice....
Re: Differences in Families
I think you need to let him take the lead on issues that involve his family. If this is the relationship that they have and the way they interact then you need to respect that. Different doesn't necessarily mean bad.
When you have children you can raise them in the environment you're describing but you cannot single-handedly push your ideals on his family.
You need to be careful here. This is HIS family and to a degree, a LARGE degree, you need to follow his lead. If you push too hard on this, in your efforts to get close to his family, you may push HIM away.
I have a friend who pushed her BF at the time to reconnect w/ his mom. In the end, he did and now he's close to his mom. So it CAN work.
But that doesn't happen every time. You need to talk to him about why they aren't close. You feel it's important to be close to your parents, but if you've spent anytime reading posts on these boards -there aer a LOT of toxic parents out there where it's actually more harmful to have them in your life than not.
Also, you need to keep your expectations in check too. You're sending them gifts and cards. When you move closer and see them more, you may go into it expecting them to welcome you w/ open arms and be close to you - and you may be in for a shock. They may be distant and not welcoming....
You can't force him or his family to be people that they aren't. Somewhere in this, YOU Need to respect who they are and not force your agenda and YOUR view of the world on them.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If he really does want to be close to his family once you have kids, I think that is actually something you need to start working towards NOW. That is, if he realy even means it...
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It is not your position to dictate his relationship with his family. What you have works for you. What he has works for him. This needs to be respected. As long as he is not allowing his family to insult you or get in the way of your relationship, you should follow his lead when it comes to interacting with his family.
Discard all 'should's from your post.
There is no "should be close" to anyone required anywhere. He is not close to his family, and he has his reasons. The fact that you are close to yours is completely beside the point. He's not close to his. If he WANTS to get close to his family, then by all means, follow his lead on this; but if he does not, you cannot compel it and I would strongly urge you not to try.
They can be immature and not treat each other with respect and still care about each other. It happens all the time in families.
I'm getting the sense that you think, for some reason, that you're a greater expert on his family dynamics than he is, despite being a newcomer who doesn't know the family nearly as well as he does. I wonder if that attitude annoys him as much as it's annoying me. I'll bet it does.
Again, you have GOT to learn how to respect him on this and his choices. You even admit you've had minimal interaction w/ his parents. Anyone can put on a good show for small periods of time!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
That is a VERY valid reason to distance yourself. They dont respect one another yet you want to get closer to them?! My MIL not respecting our feelings and wishes is exactly why shes excluded from most parts of our life. You need to back off on this issue, this is his family and his decision. I have a feeling if he were close to them and their manners were disrespectful you'd be writing an opposite post on here, looking for advice on how to distance yourself from them...
Actually, I'd like for you to explain why you think people not respecting you isn't a valid reason to not want to be around them?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Ditto.
Frankly, if I was dating someone that said this to me, I'd reconsider the relationship.
Did you read what any of us wrote?
Are you this dismissive of his feelings regarding his family?
It really doesn't matter whether or not you think he has a valid reason. He has his reasons, and you need to back off and respect that.
I'm sure it wouldn't be okay with you if the tables were turned and he tried to push you to act differently with your own family.
My family and my DH's family are on opposite sides of the spectrum. He has the loud boisterous, in-your-face family and mine is much more reserved and requires some time to warm up to a newcomer. DH feels completely uncomfortable around my family because he feels like they don't care because they don't ask him enough questions. He feels like they don't show that they love me because they don't call that often. Meanwhile, I absolutely squirm in my skin around his family because I find them to be nosy and inappropriate and disrespectful of privacy and boundaries in general.
DH's family doesn't love him any more than mine loves me. I have always known that. It took him some time to understand that, but he gets it now too. So, you see? Different is just that. Different.
Also, caring about someone doesn't automatically mean that you want to spend a lot of time with them.
Let the boy be. If he finds his family to be immature and disrespectful, then that is his business. Let him work it out for himself, if he wishes.
He feels that they are immature because when he went to the restroom, someone made a comment that he spent too long in there and laughed. Two Christmases ago they asked him to go downstairs for presents and he asked for them to wait for his show to finish, they didn't so he doesn't want to spend Christmas with him anymore.
Look, I am not disregarding any of your comments and not trying to fire anyone up. I was seeking for opinions on the situation, which have allowed me to realize that this is not a subject I should press with him. I was offended when he said that we would spend all holidays with my family until we start a family of our own, when we'd need to start seeing his family... I would think we should split our time of holidays between them, with or without children.
But if that is what he wishes, and obviously the unanimous opinion on this forum, I should respect that.
I have not read the other poster's advice yet, but wanted to say I think it's a terrible idea for you to move in together if you have always been in a long distance relationship.
I think you should get your own place and he should get his own place and you should experience having a relationship while living on your own. There are probably a LOT of things you don't see/know about him because you're not exposed to him on an every day basis. There might be things that you absolutely cannot live with or tolerate with him and you might be jumping into something without fully understanding them, which could end badly.
In regards to your question, I don't understand why you would force something that he isn't comfortable with in the first place. I do not have a close relationship with my family for a number of reasons and would be confused at why BF would prefer we force a relationship with my family just because of his relationship with his family. Just because things are different in his family vs. your family does not mean they are wrong.
How is it offensive that he wants to spend all holidays w/ your family?
I will say, the reasons you list do sound immature on his part to not want to see his family at all. AND I think it's also immature and short-sighted on his part to think he can go from not seeing his family, not being close to them at all, to all that changing once you have kids.
On that front, I do think you need to talk to him about the reality of how that's going to go.
And I'm going to go a step further.... maybe this isn't the right guy for you. Taking you at your word, there seems to be a fair amount of immaturity on his part in all of this. I think moving in together could actually be a huge eye opener for you. I have a feeling this side of him plays into other areas of his life.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm confused here. You say he doesn't want to see his family, but he is telling you that you need to split your time between his family and your family when/if a baby comes along?
This is what I was thinking too. I'd like to know how long the OP has been with this boyfriend and if they have always lived long distance. It seems like she has not had much exposure to this person's behavior and it alarms me. Especially since they're going from living long distance to moving in together.
</p>I agree with the others that it's unrealistic, and kind of weird, for him to have virtually no relationship with his family now but expect some degree of closeness if you have children. I don't know why he would want people he finds immature and disrespectful to have a substantial relationship with, and potential influence on, his children.</p>
<p>The extra details you've provided do make him sound a little bit petty, and it sounds like he hasn't really thought through the nuances of his relationship with his family (although I maintain my opinion that being close with them should be his decision).</p>
I've found that people frequently try their damnedest to spin an "I don't like you" problem into a "you wronged me" problem when it comes to family members, I guess because of the normalcy of the OP's reaction to him not being close to his family. People always question it and think that you need a "good enough" reason not to be close with someone when you're related.
It is offensive to me because he wants my family to get used to having us at the holidays all the time, then switch when we start a family.
Unfortunately neither of us can afford to live apart if we move closer, so we are going to move in together. I do know some of his bad habits and I am sure they only get worse. But we won't be able to try if we don't move in with one another.
He is immature, both he and I are aware of this. He is sensitive and easily hurt, but puts up a big front of machoness because he was teased by his brothers and sisters as a child... But he cares and is a great guy. He has his moments of being the mature one and bringing me back to reality when I have tunnel vision.
He chose a TV show over family time. Buyer beware.
ETA: Don't pare down to one set of cookware just yet.
Wow. Just because "he cares and is a great guy" will not make these problems go away. Moments of maturity do not make up for all the immature actions. I hope you're not expecting him to magically change once you move in with him. These problems will only be exacerbated.
Another thing I'm going to say - I may be off the mark on this, but I'm going to put it out there as food for thought.
When looking for someone to be with, don't pick a project. Between his not being close to his family, and his present issues from being teased as a kid... I kind of have to wonder if a part of your dynamic is that you want to be the savior who comes in and rights all the wrongs in his world and makes him a better person.
Relationships based on this dynamic are usually doomed to fail.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10