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frustrated newlywed here!
Hi Ladies,
DH and I are in a rough spot! He just lost his job and he is ok with it. He is a hard worker, great manager of money which makes us not have to worry about money right now, and willing to make sacrifices. Right now he wants to focus on getting caught up with stuff around the house and have a break for a bit (our honeymoon was the first time he had taken time off in 5 years). He is not saying he does not want to work, he just wants to take a bit of time to feel caught up.
I grew up with a history of family members out of work. I remember clearly the struggles and the arguments about money, work, etc. I have faith that things will work out and in my DH, but I am having trouble getting past the worry/concern that DH won't get a job and things will become a struggle. He is upset that I am comparing him and his situation to ones I have previously gone through. I just want him to understand why this is hard and he gets mad and defensive when I try to explain. He says I don't believe in him.
Right now, this is really pulling the 2 of us apart. We are trying to talk, but aren't seeming to make much progress. I was up half the night because of thinking about this and being unable to sleep.
I am frustrated and hurt right now and I am not even sure I put everything clearly into words. This is especially hard because I don't feel like I can really talk to anyone or vent about it.
If you read all this, thank you! If you have any suggestions or advice, I would appreciate your thoughts!
Re: frustrated newlywed here!
Mel, I just want to say my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry you're going through this rough spot. I hope you and your H can come to an understanding soon and be able to talk.
Maybe, and this is my VERY juvenile advice here, just let it be for like a week. Let him have a break. Chances are, within a week or two he will probably get bored on his own... and that might drive him into the job hunt without it even becoming an intense issue. Guys only like ideas when the idea is theirs, so however you go about it, I would go about it keeping in mind that somehow you have to trick him into thinking that going back into the workforce was his idea, not yours.
As for how to break the awkwardness in the meantime... I don't know. In some respects I think it might be good to try to apologize if you may have offended him. But I also understand you're hurt by his words/actions too, so why should you have to apologize first? It's a tough call. You could always start by writing your thoughts down... maybe seeing it on paper will help clear up what you were trying to say in the first place, for both you and him.
I agree with SweetCFly, give him some time.
You are worrying about what may happen, live in the present.
Your DH has worked for the last 5 years without taking time off so he has shown you that he is a worker and will work when needed. Give him his break, he will know when it's time to get back to work.
I am so sorry that you are in such a crappy situation! I certainly side with you one this one. It must be scary that he doesn't seem to be taking finding another job seriously. These days even a good, qualified worker can have trouble finding a job. But, I also think that I am leaning towards agreeing with pp. If he only just lost his job and you guys are at a place financially where you won't be in any trouble for a while, give him a little time. Maybe he just needs a small break before even wanting to worry about starting a job hunt. But, just make sure you don't let it go on too long. Like I said, these are risky days to be jobless.
As for you guys not really speaking to each other, I am so sorry to hear that! If you decide to just give him a little time, it would probably help to let him know that while you are still worried about the future, you are willing to compromise a little and give him a couple of weeks to do what it is he wants to do. That way, you are still lettting him know that you expect him to get job hunting but are also giving him a little bit of what he wants as well.
Good luck!
my read shelf:
Books read in 2011: 32 of 75
Mel, trust me when I say I know what you mean about being scared in this situation. Growing up, my dad had major job issues and I spent a lot of time with him being out of work. Not fun at all. It's actually one of my biggest fears for my own life- that one of us will end up jobless. I have seen how much damage that can cause to a person/family/marriage.
However, I really believe that you should give your DH a little time. If he has worked so hard in the last 5 years, you can trust that he is not going to let you down. He sounds like he feels very responsible for the both of you. He won't want to let anything bad happen. Inside, even though he isn't telling you, he is probably worried too. If he gets the chance to have a little bit of time for himself, it may help him to feel refreshed and ready to tackle the job hunt with better and more concentration.
Sorry you're having to go through this
Hang in there!!!
DH jobs have always had to do with cars- salesman/ autobody/ mechanic--- Which is a dying field lately and for the last 2 years he has been struggling off and on to get a job. He finds one when it picks up-but the minute business starts to slow he is the first one let go (since he was the newest hired). This sucks big time!!!
In October DH was laid off from his job again after a year and it took until the New Year for him to find another one. Since we have been through this a few times- my advice is to give him time to process what happened, and some time to relax, he WILL get bored, and then he will start looking on his own. I would give it 1.5-2 months and if he is not looking yet then start getting on his case.
If he qualifies for unemployement then he should take that money until he can find something that will pay what he is receiving in benefits (comparative)
Good Luck, HTH and I hope your DH is less stubborn than mine (my DH refuses to look into other fields of employment)
Hey Mel!
I don't really have anything to add to what these ladies have already said, but I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and Ben and that I'm sure it'll all work out. Hang in there!
The ladies here are so very wise - let him take some time. My mother was laid off the day after my birthday, 7 weeks before the wedding. She was so relieved. She took 3 weeks to relax and get her paperwork in order, and then started looking for a job. She was hired the first week in November and is in a much better paying job with better benefits.
I know it's hard when you've grown up with money struggles, but let him relax for the week or two. If after he's had a mini-vacation he can't talk about it, then you can worry. But let him have the chance to a) let it sink and and b) come down from it so that he can get back into reality.
We're always here if you need us!
RIP Dr. Irving Fishman - 10/1/19-7/25/10 - thank you for holding on for me.
You made my wedding day complete.
I can relate to your struggle. My DH lost his job six weeks before our wedding. At first with getting ready for the wedding, going on the HM, and me being off for a good portion of the summer, it didn't seem like an issue. Then the school year started, and DH still hadn't gotten a new job, but I was at work all day. There were a couple of very tense months. The thing I hated most was that he refused to communicate about it. He kept saying he didn't feel like a man, and I had trouble understanding that. Hang in there, give him a little time, choose your words carefully and try to talk things out. If he won't, try to be as understanding as possible and vent to all of us. Hang in there! (DH finally has a new job with better people and more money so it worked out eventually.)
my read shelf:
I'm so sorry to hear you're going through such a crappy situation! I wish I had more to add, but it seems all the ladies here have said what I would have...give him a little time and he'll probably get bored and start to look on his own. Although, I know it would be hard for me to sit back also and I completely understand where you're coming from.
I hope things get better for you!!!
I am glad you guys were able to talk through some things. That is sometimes the hardest part. Maybe have a time line....he takes off one month and then starts looking for jobs. Jobs are hard to come by in this economy. Although looking for a job can be a full time job as I am trying to tell DH.
I can relate. DH went back to school to be a teacher and only found a part time teaching job. He has had one interview this spring and he did not get the job. I don't feel like DH spends the part time he has off looking for jobs as hard as he can. He does everything on the internet, but I think it would help if he called some of the schools and got his name out there. I also wanted him to take a test to be certified in more areas, which had said he wanted to do since we went through this last summer, but he still hasn't looked into it. I try to give him time and space too but we are almost done with this school year.