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Am I Obligated To Go?
My husband and I have birthdays coming up and his dad and wife want to take us out to eat. I do not get along at all with his dad's wife...she did a number of very rude things during the planning of our wedding and also at the wedding (that's a whole other story!) and his dad also didn't use his best judgment, doing some things that were very hurtful to me. Anyway, I have not seen them much since the wedding (hubby works with his dad so sees him every day).
FIL and his wife are aware of the tension in the relationship and know I do not like her, yet they want us to pretend like we are all one big happy family. She has refused to apologize for anything she's done and I don't see the relationship being mended any time soon. Am I obligated to go out to dinner for MY/my husbands birthday? I know it's a nice gesture, but being that it's my birthday and I don't want to go, do I have to just to appease them? If that's the case, I feel like the dinner is more about them than about us and our birthdays.
Re: Am I Obligated To Go?
I have two questions I need answered to be able to respond:
1. What did she do?
2. Does your husband want to go to dinner with them?
Is there any chance that this could be an olive branch? Not to give your FILs wife a pass at being nasty, but weddings can bring out the worst in people. That doesn't mean that she should be banished from your / your dh's life.
Talk to your H. Tell him about the anger you are holding onto, and your concerns for the evening. Make a clear exit plan if she behaves badly - like the TWO of you excusing yourself and saying "I'm sorry, this dinner isn't working out. We won't tolerate this," and leaving the restaurant.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Ditto PP.
I have to wonder what this woman did that makes you unable to sit across a table from her for an hour or two while you eat a meal she bought you. I can put up with most people if it's only for a short period of time and I'm getting a free meal.
I also think your "it's my birthday" excuse is kind of silly. Wouldn't you still do something with your husband for your birthdays, regardless of the dinner?
As far as what she did, it's a pretty extensive list not just including the time leading up to and during the wedding, but also before that. And no, it wasn't because she didn't say congratulations or something silly like that. She is a very mean and hurtful person, but she does it in an underhanded way so it's not blatantly obvious to others that she is as rude as she is.
As far as the dinner being an "olive branch," highly unlikely because it's just not her style to apologize since she never thinks she's at fault. She has problems with other people and she and her sister don't even speak anymore because of a falling out they had (her sister is willing to apologize but she's made it perfectly clear so refuses to apologize & would rather have no relationship).
My husband doesn't like her either but he has such a mild personality that he is just able to deal with her. He is more than welcome to go, I just would prefer not to. Yes, we would be doing something for our birthdays but the absolute last way I'd like to spend my birthday is with her.
Yes, unless of course its something so trivial that you will be instantly ridiculed and branded an immature pretty princess by the internetethergods.
I'm going to give you a benefit of a doubt because I've had people like this in my life too.
This is your DH's dad. If your DH wants to go more because of him, then I would go. Don't give this woman SO much power that your DH doesn't feel he can spend time w/ his dad.
I also think you're putting too much emphasis on "this isn't how I want to spend my b-day". I kind of get why you are (you want any reason not to go), but at the same time, it's also kind of petty.
1- would you actually be going ON your b-day? Probably not.
2- can't you have a "real" celebration on or around your b-day w/ just your DH or w/ people you really enjoy? I have a feeling you'd be doing this anyhow.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If you don't like her, tell your dh. He can tell his dad that you are not interested in a "couples" thing, but since they work together, your FIL can certainly take his son out to lunch one day! That way, they celebrate and you aren't involved.
Where is your dh and his dad in this? Does your dh realize how much his stepmom has offended you? Does FIL realize that his wife is a problem, but supports her b/c she is his wife?
Well, what is your plan to repair the relationship? I doubt you will or should trust her much, but I suppose you are going to have a very long, long marriage with lots of opportunities to sit across a table from her.
If you can't let her/them host a birthday meal, in a restaurant, I can hardly see how things are going to improve.
If you are going to draw a line in the sand about this, then REALLY draw it. Say that unless or until she apologizes, you won't be acepting any offers to dinner. Just not going doesn't have much effect unless you TELL them why and create an opportunity to fix it.
You sound angry. If fact, you sound very angry. This isn't going to stop being an issue when another birthday comes-up or a holiday. Sure, you seem more empowered because this time, it is YOUR birthday and you can choose to spend it as you wish but the underlying feelings aren't going away. And that makes you part of the the problem, too now.
I just don't understand why you wouldn't use it as an opportunity to move forward. You seem to have a very good understading of the woman you are dealing with and how she acts in interpersoanl relationships. Why you would expect her to be anything but exactly the same with you? You are also trashing an opportunity to have a nice meal with your FIL. It sucks that they are married and a package deal, but the anger you feel is going to do you more harm than her. You don't have to pretend to be a big happy family, if you are not. Lots of families eat in restuarants who are still working out differences and very hard feelings.
You should consider it. Not becuase you are obligated to go, but becuase you have the opportunity to.
Thanks for all the advice. I realize mending the relationship would be the easiest solution here but I have tried that and she went back to her old ways. I am just not interested in forcing a relationship with someone who choose to live her life the way she does. I don't agree with her and her lifestyle, but that is her own business.
She has been hurtful to me over some very trivial matters. She has bad-mouthed me to my FIL, my husband, her friends and even people that we mutually worked with as Realtors; she made a big show of throwing a couples shower for us (which I did not even want) then only invited people she wanted, specifically telling me I was NOT allowed to invite anyone (she even invited some people who were NOT invited to the wedding, which is rude and tacky); she showed up at our wedding drunk and wearing a dress that looked appropriate for a streetwalker; she sat in the rightful spot of my MIL in church (which upset me AND my MIL); she has talked about how she cheats on my FIL which upsets me but is not my place to tell him and she has also insinuated to people that she married my FIL simply for his money and his social status. So yes, I don't really care for her nor do I want to spend time with her. I guess the point I was trying to make was that they'd like to go out to eat for our birthdays but I'm really not interested. Therefore, isn't it more to appease them than actually for the enjoyment of my birthday?
Again, is this going to be your ONLY b-day celebration and are you doing it ON your b-day? If the answer to both of those are "no", then don't make it being your b-day a hill to die on.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I don't think mending the relationship is the easy option here. I think skipping the dinner is the easy option.
It's your H's birthday, too. Talk to him. If he wants you to go, let it be a celebration of his bday and do something else for yours. Come to an agreement beforehand, so if she bad-mouths you, the two of you (as a unified front) get up and leave.
Ok while I agree that she does not sound like someone I would enjoy spending time with, you need to get over most of this.
Talking about you - ok, this is not right, but I imagine most people know what she's like and ignore her. By the way, what did your husband say to her when she badmouthed you to him?
The couples shower - if you didn't want it, you could have refused it. Since she was hosting, she got to pick the guest list. If she chose to invite people not invited to the wedding, that reflects badly on her as the host.
She showed up drunk to your wedding wearing a trashy dress - again, reflects on her, not you.
Sitting in the wrong spot in the church - why didn't your husband tell her to move? Or were you trying to sit her apart from her husband, which isn't really appropriate on your part anyway.
She cheats on your FIL and married him for her money - none of your concern. He knows the type of woman he married and for whatever reason has chosen to stay with her.
She is your FIL's wife, and she may be around for a long time to come. I assume your husband wants to maintain a relationship with his father, and this is going to require you to suck it up sometimes and grin & bear her presence. If your husband wants to go to dinner with them, then you should. If dinners out with them were something that he wanted to make into a weekly event, then you would have room to set limits. But one dinner for a special event, I don't think it's worth the potential angst in your own marriage to make your stand here.
Wouldn't that be the height of irony if you let her put a wedge in your new marriage? Ha. You know, the trashy, gold-digger ends up putting a sour note on YOU?? Ha, ha.
Sounds worth a meal that you don't have to pay for.
Well, I think the reasons might be a bit childish (admittedly I didn't read everything), but I don't think you HAVE to go to every celebration for your H's birthday.
I often skip my IL's dinner with H. Sometimes I'm too exhausted from work, can't muster the energy to deal with them, etc. MH doesn't mind, he used to skip mine with my family sometimes.
74 books read in 2011
Going to dinner does not have to mean you are forgiving her for everything she did in the past. It just means that even though you do not like her, you can be civil to her in social settings. I think you should go if your DH is going. Just enjoy the free meal and be gracious and civil.
First, I want to say that she does not sound like someone I would want to spend much time with. However...
As someone who shares my exact birthday with my husband, I thought I'd chime in. DH and I can share a birthday peacefully because we both make it about the other person. Neither one of us use the phrase that we're going to dinner for "my birthday." It's always we're going to dinner for the other person's birthday. This makes for some funny conversations about planning dinner/parties etc.
So, I would say if your husband wants you to go, go. Make it more about making your husband's birthday special than about how you feel about this woman. If having dinner with his dad is important to him, and dad insists on bringing the wife, that is between the two of them. I'm pretty sure if you concentrate on making his birthday special, he'll turn it around to make it special for you too.