What to do for someone after a great loss?

MsPurple24

My co-worker lost her 11-year-old child yesterday.  He had severe disabilities and while I don't know what his life expectancy was, it doesn't matter- she's lost her son.  My heart is breaking for her and I don't know what to do.  I don't want to send flowers, I know a lot of people are sending food/meals... and simply mailing a card isn't enough.  Ugh. 

This is someone that I've become close to over the last 2 years that I've been at this school, so it's important to me and Scott that we reach out in a way that will be helpful but unintrusive.  Any ideas?  Has anyone ever done anything for you after a loss that was better than flowers or a card?

Mystery2B

Depending on how close you are, offering to come to laundry or clean would be helpful, or clean out the fridge. Or if she needs help contacting people (this would have been REALLY helpful to me recently) to let them know about service/memorial arrangements.

Besides that I'd just make sure to follow up in a couple weeks with her, bring latte's over and hang out for 30 minutes...I'm really worried about my dad when I go home and it's quiet, that people will forget he needs them and not keep in contact with him. 

EmmieB

Oh, how shattering. Those poor parents.

I agree- helping with laundry or other necessary but unpleasant chores (like bathroom cleaning, etc) would be helpful. 

Maybe a card with a note that you've donated to a charity that researches those disabilities?

But honestly- I would think for right now, being that you're 2weeks post partum, just letting them know you're thinking of them and you're available if they need an ear or a hug is enough. And as time goes on you can do more of what it turns out they need...I'm not sure if that's making sense. But in two or three weeks they may still be shattered, but have run out of all of the freezer foods so you can help re-stock or something. Or sooner. It's hard to say.

I'm rambling. Hope that helps!

sm23

There's nothing we can do in situations like this to make it better. But sending a meal helps take care of a basic necessity in a time when the last thing on her mind is cooking. A card, with a heartfelt message, lets her know you care and are there for her.

I think the most helpful thing is actually to be there and keep checking in weeks and months from now. A lot of people send cards and flowers and meals when the death occurs, come to visit, call, etc. It's weeks later that it can get hard, when the person grieving still feels like their world is upside down yet everyone else has gone back to life as normal, kwim?

hannikan

EmmieB:

And as time goes on you can do more of what it turns out they need...I'm not sure if that's making sense. But in two or three weeks they may still be shattered, but have run out of all of the freezer foods so you can help re-stock or something. Or sooner. It's hard to say.

I'm rambling. Hope that helps!

I agree. Often people get overwhelmed with stuff at the very beginning and it's good to have someone step in a few weeks later. Not that you wouldn't send your condolences with a card and a phone call or quick visit ahead of this, too. I know my MIL appreciated having friends there around the clock right after FIL passed but I worried that once it had been a week or two and that inevitably had to stop as people needed to go back to work and their routines, that she would feel alone. So if you can check in and spend time with her then that would be great. I think being there is more important than what particular item you send. You'll figure out what works for you and your friendship. I'm so sorry to hear about this, too. That is so awful.

pondering_gal

Honestly, I think a card helps more than you think. When I went through a tragedy, the cards that came in helped a lot. And when I've written cards to others, they always tell me later how nice it was.

But more than that, make sure she knows you are thinking about her. And like someone else said, do this for weeks and months after, but not badgering her.

Such a tragic situation.

MsPurple24

Thanks, that's really good advice.  I'll send a card now but I'll wait for a couple more weeks and then check in with dinner and see what else I can do for them.  It's true, people are often overwhelmed by condolences in the beginning and then left alone after a week or so, while they're still grieving.  She has two other boys, so bringing a meal is probably the best thing to do for them for a while.

mellyjoy

after my sister died, our house was full of people.  so much so, that i felt overwhelmed and wanted them to leave.  but my mom really needed to be around people.  yet, a few weeks or months later... it felt like i was still grieving and everyone else had forgotten her.  (btw, still grieving 12 years later) so following up in a couple weeks would be a really great thing so that she knows that she is loved, and her son isn't forgotten.

anneg

pondering_gal:

Honestly, I think a card helps more than you think. When I went through a tragedy, the cards that came in helped a lot. And when I've written cards to others, they always tell me later how nice it was.

But more than that, make sure she knows you are thinking about her. And like someone else said, do this for weeks and months after, but not badgering her.

Such a tragic situation.

this is very true.  i can tell you every single person who sent me a card after devin died - every single one.   some were a surprise, like from people i know from work.  though knowing them it shouldn't have been surprising.  many weren't a surprise.  i knew the first one i'd get would be from my best friend's mother, and it was waiting for me when i got home w/ the earliest postmark.  it might sound weird but i kept those cards up on the mantel for almost a year.  i think i finally took them down at xmas so i could put xmas cards up.  every time i'd think of taking them down i realized i liked being able to see them.  it made me feel better.  even now, while they're not on display, they're sitting in a stack on the credenza in the living room, near a picture of devin.  it's a great comfort to know someone took the time to acknowledge your loss. 

also - be there in the weeks and months afterward.  there's so much going on at first, but that dies down and as time goes on the number of people who are there dwindle.  you'd be surprised.  and don't be afraid to ask how she's doing, or if she needs to talk.  i don't know how it is for other people, but i got really weird about always talking about it so i didn't really, not with that many people.  i felt like i was always being downer, but i also felt so isolated.  i still do, to an extent.  in retrospect, i think a lot of my friends were waiting for me to bring it up.  i wish they'd been a little braver, because it was just so difficult and i so wanted someone to talk to.  to this day there are friends i haven't talked to about what i was/am going through and because they never really asked i don't feel like i can talk to them. 

debdebdol

pondering_gal:

Honestly, I think a card helps more than you think. When I went through a tragedy, the cards that came in helped a lot. And when I've written cards to others, they always tell me later how nice it was.

But more than that, make sure she knows you are thinking about her. And like someone else said, do this for weeks and months after, but not badgering her.

Such a tragic situation.

I agree.  Just let her know that you are there for support, I think she would appreciate that.

I know how you may feel wanting to do more to help, I'm the sme way.