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Just an update...
Today is our 3rd counseling appointment and I'm MAD! I don't even know that mad is the right word, but it's all I'm coming up with.
I've been reading a very well written book on abusive relationships called "You Don't Have to Take It Anymore" and the further I dive into it the less comfort I find. I feel like there are things in the book that are so incredibly true and I don't have any indication that they are going to change. But rather than taking that knowledge and using it to improve myself, I just get angry. I know this is a mental change that should happen if counseling is going to be helpful, but I just can't seem to let go of my anger...
My therapist says that it's important to feel the anger, let the feelings run their course, and then be able to release them. It's the releasing part that I'm having trouble with. I fear that I am becoming a bitter, resentful person, and that's not the person I want to be. I can't be loving and resentful at the same time, and when I'm resentful I feel like I am in so many areas in my life!
We went to church together last Sunday and the preacher said something that has stuck in my head. He was talking about the death of a loved one and comforting words that he received from others as a result. The one that stood out to me is "There are other places to sing." I know that this was used to demonstrate that his loved one is in heaven and at peace, but I can't help but wonder if God is giving me more than a little nudge and telling me that I can be happy somewhere else... But then I wonder if maybe I am searching for permission, and I question why I should feel like I need anyone's permission, God or otherwise, to be happy.
This probably isn't the frame of mind I need to be in when trying to mentallly prepare me for a marriage counseling appointment, but that's how I am feeling. I guess I just wanted to see what your thoughts are on this.
Re: Just an update...
I think you are being too hard on yourself. You've just barely scratched the surface of your anger and not for very long. I get that you don't have a lot of experience letting yourself be angry and that your instinct is to shove it back down or avoid it. But really, this is that "hard work" everyone talked about regarding therapy -uncovering feelings you don't want to feel and integrate in your life.
And its a completely appropraiate frame of mind for your mental preparation. Because its YOUR FELLINGS on the matter. Okay?
Even on the rare occasions that he apologizes for the things he's done wrong, I still can't release it. I feel like he is constantly reassigning the blame for whatever I am mad at by saying, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was doing that. But why didn't you (insert "helpful" advice here)." When he turns it around like that, I can't believe that he's truly sorry because he's not accepting responsibility!
That's what happened this morning. I got mad because he did something that I think was completely unthoughtful and irresponsible and when I called him on it, he said "I'm sorry, but..." so now, I'm steaming about the "but" instead of being happy that he apologized.
This paired with the argument we got in last night, has made for a really frustrating morning.
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Thank you! I think I needed that this morning. I want so badly to be able to accept an apology from him, but maybe the problem is not that I can't accept it. Maybe the problem is he's never really apologized.
You can't "release" what is unresolved.
And he doesn't get to give a piss poor apology and then cop an attitude that you didn't like it more.
I keep getting the feeling that no matter what you're reading, he's saying, "Yes, You Do Have to Take It Some More." And then he dishes it right back out again.
And this is DEFINATELY something you should bring-up in therapy tonight.
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Not only is it not an apology, its a form of manipulation to try to bring you down and make you think its somehow your fault. Manipulating you isnt exactly an effort of change.
So, what I'm getting is that I am completely justified in my anger, and that I am also correct in my feeling that he's not making progress because he's still trying to make it my fault. Right? Cus that's how I'm feeling.
He can't really be ready to change if he's not willing to admit that he's made a mistake and take responsibility for that mistake. And if he's not ready to change, he won't, no matter what I say.
So, my efforts at trying to accept his version of an apology for an apology are self-defeating because in doing that I am telling him that it's ok when it's not and it's not helping.
I am seeing a therapist on my own in addition to the marriage counseling, but I've only had two appointments since this all started due to time constraints on her part and mine. So, I'm trying to "fill in the blanks" with a lot of reading and bouncing things off you guys here.
This might or might not be true. The H might not be trying to manipulate her. I think it may be much more complex than that.
I have a college "friend" who never apologizes. She is not an abuser or a bad person, but she is a perfectionist and so insecure that if she is "less than perfect" she feels she is unloveable. I have heard that the same is true for many abusers. I see this woman's problem as HER problem, so it doesn't affect our relationship, although we are not that close (there are many issues that prevent our closeness, this is not the only one, but all are interrelated). It was frustrating when we were going to school / living together, now obviously I keep my distance so it's not so bad (she hasn't changed, from what our mutual friends relate).
OP, you have to realize that a lack of being able to apologize is your H's issue, and his weakness. His lack of apology doesn't mean that things are really your fault. But if you need an apology from him (every once in a while) in order for your relationship to work, then either he has to change, or you have to move on.
I would bring up his non-apologies in counseling. Is he getting individual counseling? B/c I he needs it.
He keeps coming up with excuses. Last week it was "He's on vacation and won't be back until the end of the month."
I understand wanting to use someone that was recommended by a friend rather than picking someone out of the phone book, but really? This is getting ridiculous to me and I'm tired of the excuses, because it's never his fault (in his eyes).
Last night, I walked away from our argument because I knew it wasn't going to get any better and he kept saying "Fine! Walk away! That's what you're good at!" REALLY? If I was good at walking away, I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place! I just kept walking and went to bed and cried.
Of course you can't let the anger go when he's still pulling the same old _bullshit.
Do you have a timeline for him to show some improvement? I'm wondering how long you feel you have to put up with this, and how much of it, before you feel you did everything you could and you can justify divorcing him.
He's lying. You know he's lying. A month-long vacation in March? I wonder what would happen if you asked the couples therapist to help your husband follow-up with this guy. Does your husband actually have a name, phone number, professional credentials? What would happen if the therapist called as a referral to make the appointment? Or is all of this just bulllshit?
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Exactly! He isn't really sorry, so you shouldn't really have to accept it. Stop taking all the blame! Stop trying so hard to make everything ok when he is clearly NOT trying AT ALL! I'm not sure if you even realize this, but all of your updates involve yet another series of arguments and yet another instance where he lays out veiled attempts at apologies or self-imporvement, and EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM is complete and total crap. You SHOULD be angry! And insulted! He doesn't care one bit. He only wants to "save the marriage" so he can have his rule over you again. Don't be fooled. RUN.
Big red flag. He's toying with you. He has no intention of going and won't make an appointment until he feels threatened again. He's doing just enough to get you to stick around.
I agree people may have a hard time with apologies but we aren't talking about your friend who isnt an abuser, we are talking about someone who IS. And not only is he an abuser but he's successfully manipulated her and broke her down so much she cant bring herself to permanentaly leave and he wants to keep it that way.
I COMPLETELY agree his lack of apology doesnt mean things are really her fault, I dont think they are her fault at all. What I think is he WANTS her to think that they are cause if he can convince her that, hes convinving her she needs to change her actions in order for him to change his and she'll doubt leaving him. Thus, hes a manipuling a$$ who doesnt really intend to change. What I do think is OP needs to get over needing an apology because he shouldnt be doing all these things that require one. Apologies dont mean sh!t if he continues with abusive ways and doesnt hold up with promises he's made... actions speak much louder than words.
The fact this guy hasnt gotten into anger management yet is a clear sign he thinks op wont really leave. But I'd have to guess if she packed her bags and left again he'd be willing to call the AM therapist then. He only does enough to keep her satisfied for the moment which really shows he doesnt actually want to change.
Yes, I completely agree that he's lying.
FWIW, I did not word that very well. The person who is "on vacation" (which I don't believe) is the person who saw the therapist, not the therapist himself. The month long vacation for this person is believable, due to the business that he's in and the fact that I know he does this every year.
That being said, the person is apparently back now, and H has said that he is going to come home from work tomorrow with the number. I think I will send him a text at lunch to remind him to get it so he can't say he forgot.
I can see why you'd be tempted to do this, but texting him to remind him to make this appointment is another instance of YOU taking responsibility for something that HE should be doing. This seems wrong to me. People do not forget things that are a priority in their lives. People don't forget things that they truly and honestly intend to do.
If I were you, I'd wait it out and let this be a clear barometer of his intentions and priorities.
At your next individual therapy appointment, I'd put the tendency to want to do things like this on the "to be discussed at some point" list.
That is a good point, neverblushed. I didn't think of it that way.
Maybe I should just sit on it a while longer... This is quite possibly the clearest indicator I would get of his true intentions.