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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Sh*% my mom says
Really think about that. WHY can't you just stop engaging? Clearly the back and forth will just continue. Kuus is not going to all of a sudden say "You know what, I'm completely wrong. I apologize for my posts." It seems that you can't accept anything other than that however.
It's the same thing with your mom - WHY can't you stop engaging her? You KNOW she is not going to say what you want her to say. No amount of calling or arguing is going to change that.
Good luck, and I hope therapy is able to help you.
http://www.harrietlerner.com/pages/dance_of_intimacy.htm
This is the point I was trying to make but casmgn was much more concise.
I don't mind that you post about your mom. My head doesn't hurt from banging the desk in frustration.
I like reading and responding to most posts. I was happy to give you some more insight, even though you've been struggling with this for a while. And I'd happily do it again. I skip posters or topics I am not interested in, it's quite easy to manage.
I get the impression that Kuus has made great strides in her life and it's one of the reasons she can be really direct and snarky. I often love to see what she has to say. But she doesn't speak for me when she says you have to quit coming here. I don't mind at all.
But I do hope you have a break-through moment and realize what everyone is saying (over and over) is true. And I hope it's soon.
I've looked for updates from you for awhile now and I'm sad to see things haven't improved. Good for you for getting on medication and setting up therapy, it should help!
Your mother is toxic and abusive and honestly has no place in your life at this point. What kind of grandmother will she be to the twins? Clearly a sh!tty one considering that she is already nagging an infant about their weight!! I don't doubt she'll say it to the kid's face when they are older.
Your husband was right to defriend her, you should too. Hopefully with the help of your therapist you can learn to remove the negativity and toxic people from your life, you and your husband and kids will be better for it.
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
While I dont really have good advice, I just wanted to tell you I can relate. My mother is toxic, never listens, is always right, I can never do anything good enough. And always turns something that is said completely around to make it about her or how it "hurts" her. Shes at the point now where she just makes things up in her head.
I have posted on here about my mother, and a few of the girls recommended some good books to read. Toxic Parents I think was one of them.
I havent spoken to my mother in 3 years and while it hurt at first, I cant tell you the tension it has lifted off my shoulders. Ive apologized, tried to make things better, you name it,but she wont budge and acts like I am this horrible person.
I think that in our heads, that since this is our mother, that we should have this special bond. I, like an idiot, would keep going back to my mother, looking for that bond, only to be hurt over and over again. Its not worth it. Im glad you are looking into getting help, but I understand how you feel, and deep down, I have that pit in my stomach wondering what happened to our relatinship. Unfortunately your mother wont change, so you have to find a way to cope with it and move on with your life. Good luck I know its hard.
Okay, so this whole situation has exploded even more now that we've defriended her on facebook ( pathetic, I know ) and she has sent me 4 nasty emails yesterday... (apologies for formatting errors, I'm C+P'ing)
1. youdeleted (sister) and i from your facebook - really (tofumonkey)???
whatthe fuuck did (sister) do to you
i am so disappointed in your behavior andshocked at (yourr DH)'s
So, being a moron, I responded with:
Not at all Mom, I'm just tired of hearing about major things involvingmy family via facebook (you choking, (sister) in jail, etc.) and then havingyou be upset with me when I react. I figure that if something happens that youwant to share with me, you'll share it with me when you are ready - without meharassing you with my reactions.
She then wrote back:
Nice to do to (18 year old sister) - she was crying over (Mr.Tofumonkey) and u doing that to herI don't have the energy for this drama
Great to know that she can rely on (aunt) if something happens
So, in trying to break the cycle of giving my mother the grovelling reactions that she wants, I ignored it and didn't respond. After a couple of hours she sent another one:
kinda like us seeing that the girls could sit up, but not being informedabout it when it happened - just seeing it on facebook - mainly b/c ithink u were just living your life at the time and can't call everytimesomething goes on in your world, you gotta live your life and are busy and willget to info to share when it is relevant and the time zone matches. likei am usually free to talk around 7pm my time most nights which doesn't seemlike a good time to call you then cause it doesn;t fit with your life, b/c i ambusy living my life during the day time
Which DH and I didn't really understand. Was she apologizing? Was this her sending out an olive branch? I figured we would wait a bit longer and not respond. After another hour of me ignoring her, she sent another one:
"Here's my reaction
My son in law deleted me from his facebook
U *** about (your MIL) a almost non stop - did u delete her fromur facebook? Hmmm interesting that only I get all ur crap and now ur husbandtreats ur family so disrespectfully - fuuckin lovely
That's mine and ur families reaction "
That's the last we've heard from her, although my other sister ( who is estranged from her ) called me to ask what was going on because my mother and 18 year old sister were bashing me publicly on facebook. So DH and I just got even more annoyed and temporarily deactivated our accounts, so that we don't have to hear about any more of the drama for awhile.
So, in trying to change the cycle that I'm in - how should I respond? Should I respond at all? Should I defend myself and my family? Should I continue to ignore her and end up in yet another year long period of her not speaking to me?
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Here's the thing -
Breaking the cycle of letting your mother treat you like crap takes more than a few hours.
Have you noticed that's she's completely moved-on from the nasty facebook joke that your sister was arrested, ignoring you through 7 calls, slamming the phone down with a rude 'I'm busy" and then all of the mean 'harrassment' charges about you to your DH and dad.
Completely moved on.
No, it wasn't an apology or an olive branch. It was a sob story. Boo hoo, you took away my pictures of the babies and 7 pm my time doesn't seem like a good time for you to talk. Boo hoo.
And then shortly after, of course, she slams you with the blame.
So, since you are a horrible, selfish daughter, when are you going to apologize?
This isn't about her not talking to you. It's about YOU not talking to HER because you have more respect for yourself than to be treated like her doormat. Again.
This. Kuus, I usually agree with you, but in this case you are being uncessarily cruel.
I too was raised by an emotionally blackmailing, abusive manipulator. Manipulation of the only word to describe posting a fake arrest of a family member on FB just to get a reaction from other family members.
Let me tell you, this is pretty damn complicated stuff. It's not so easy to de-program yourself from early childhood brainwashing that you *HAVE* to show the utmost dererence and respect for your parent no matter what they do to you, and if you don't you're an ungrateful douchenozzle. The deprogramming process takes years, sometimes decades. This is why adult children sometimes continue to tolerate emotional abuse even when they know on an intellectual level that they shouldn't have to.