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I know its not Christmas anymore, but..
how do you split up the holidays? I tried doing a 'christmas' search in this board but didn't get any results- must be a glitch!
My fiance and I both have teeny tiny families (like about 10-14 members each, including grandparents/siblings/uncles). Mine is a bit more extended than his. We're both very attached to Christmas with our families and after trying for 2 years to do Christmas Eve/Morning with his and leaving that day to spend a few days with mine, I can't take it anymore. My parents and younger mentally-disabled sister are all alone on Christmas Eve/Morning without me there, and it breaks my heart to think that I missed 2 Christmases already- I love being with my fiance, but he's inflexible about this and I just think we should spend Christmas apart from now on until we have kids and we can have Christmas at our own house. Right now we live together, and fiance's family and mine are only a 2 hour drive away from each other. My grandparents live where his family does, and on Christmas Day my parents drive over there, so I get to see them at about noon. If I stay with my family for Christmas, then drive over with them on Christmas Day, I can see my fiance and his family then.
Sorry so long and complicated!! I guess I just wanted to see if this would be a kind of normal thing to do- we want to get married soon (maybe this fall). Do any married couples here do something like this?
p.s. I know my Fiance sounds like a jerk but he's not- we're totally in sync about everything else, and split everything else really evenly and flexibly. This is the only sticking point we have.
Re: I know its not Christmas anymore, but..
Well you have to do what is best for the both of your first. If it works out for you both, I would say switch back and forth. One year you spend Christmas Eve/ morning with one family and dinner with another. The next year you switch.
If you can make a plan that works well for both of you (without resentment), then whatever compromise you come up with is great. However, unless you are both truly happy with it, I would not spend the holidays apart in order to be with your families of origin. Getting married means that your husband will be your (primary) family and you will be his. Plus, I don't see how having kids will change your desire to spend the holiday with your parents and sister; it will only mean that they will want to see you *and* your children on Christmas, Easter, etc.
To be perfectly honest, I envy your situation. My husband and I live on the East coast, his family on the West coast, and my family in the middle. There is no way we can share holidays like you're describing; I wish we could. Because I had to work the 26th, we spent Christmas at home and got our 12/27 flight canceled due to a blizzard. Could my husband have gone ahead to spend the holiday with his parents and sister? Sure, but this wasn't even a consideration: we are now each other's family.
H and I have been together 11 years and have done the following since we moved in together (10 years). We both have large families, he has @25 on dads side, I have about 35-40 on each mom and dads.
For Christmas our extended families celebrate the weekend before. We split our time as equally as possible between our families if they happen to land on the same day... With 3 seperate family gatherings there are always 2 that land on the same day.
Christmas Eve dinner is always done with my dad and his wife (and my siblings).
Christmas day is split into 4 hours each at my moms/stepdad and H's parents. Who gets what time always varies around my siblings sig others schedules because H only has 1 brother/nephew and they spend the whole day at IL's regardless of what time we go.
MIL has a HUGE problem with this and whines and cries every year we are putting my family first but the fact we just have more people that we need to accomodate around. 1 year she suggested he come without me (after we married) and I told him if he even considered he would be single before Christmas arrived. He is the most important family to me and to me it matters most that we spend holidays together. I'd rather skip everyone else. He then told his mom if she had a problem with the time we'd be coming we'd skip her home altogether. It shut her up immediately, however she goes on to whine the next year until he threatens that again. So year after year H deals with the same loony conversation with her.
I think the compromise of you and your fiance switching years is fair after you marry. Or simply one get Eve one gets Day. I would not settle for H refusing any compromise. I despise MIL but I compromise and go and am polite because I think it is equally important for H to see his family on holidays if I get to see mine. A healthy marriage requires compromise.
My DH has the huge immediate family, whereas mine is small and we include my cousins as the rest of my mom's family is OOS. We are lucky enough that all of the family members on both sides are within 10-15 minutes of each other so we do Christmas eve with my family and Christmas day with my ILs.
I need to know more about his "refusing" to compromise. What does this mean? He just out and out says "this is how I'm doing it".
What does he say when you say "my family is important to me too. Why does that not matter to you?" (and if you haven't said this - I would). Or if you say "why does what I, your WIFE, want not matter to you? I'm willing to meet you 1/2 way. Why aren't you willing to do the same?".
i also think you need to talk to him NOW about "what will happen when we have kids?". Does he think you all will still go to his family in the morning? Or does he want to stay home and start your own family traditions? Find this out now - don't wait! Because I worry that his lack of compromise now will only make it worse down the road.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
We are a few states away from family, so we do every other year with each family. It was sad the first time that I was away from my family on Christmas, and he was sad the first time he was away from his. BUT, we are each other's family now and have/want to make that compromise. I think it'd be a little weird for the two of you to do holidays separately.
I'd do Christmas Eve with one family and Christmas Day with the other. Flip it every other year.
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
We live 12 hrs away from any family so seeing them for every major holiday isn't always going to be possible. Our 1st Christmas together we did go back for a short 3 day visit and went to 5 different houses in that time. I would not recommend doing that! Both DH and I were exhausted at the end of it.
This past year we weren't able to make it in but rather decided it would be easier to go during the summer because holidays bring out the crazy in people sometimes. Schedules have been set, people have a very hectic time. I would recommend that to anyone who lives a considerable distance from their family consider going during a non-holiday time.
My suggestion would be to switch off when you celebrate with whom. If you spent Thanksgiving dinner with DH family try spending Christmas morning/afternoon with your family. And if MIL gives you any grief point it out to her that you are trying to be fair to everyone. Maybe even sit down with MIL and ask her what traditions you can set as married couple with DH family? My mother has gotten into the tradition of making a themed Christmas Eve dinner for my two grown sisters who are still in town and they love it. Everyone plans a different part of the meal and brings the dish to share.
I've found when you make family aware that your time with them is special they won't care if it's Christmas morning or two Saturdays from then...they just want to share it with you.
I know my H's family is huge and when they do holidays it's non stop breakfast with one grandparent and lunch/ dinner with the other and so we do something with my mom and little sister the night before. This changed last Christmas though because my dad and his family and all my brothers live out of state.
This year we are moving in December though more than likely out of state and possibly out of the country and we have decided that we will alternate, come to FL one year and do Oklahoma the next that is until we have kids and it will all depend.
We have our daughter and her dh and kids alternate holidays. If we get them for Thanksgiving, his family gets them for Christmas, and vice versa. It works well for us, and there is no stress on anyone.
We are always invited to celebrate with her ILs, but prefer not to drive and enjoy spending time alone at home.
When we lived near both of our families, we spent Christmas Eve with one and Christmas morning/day with the other. It worked out well that we had different traditions. Thanksgiving was easy too, when my mom worked that day, so we spent it with DH's family. We moved away, and were expected to travel, but we made it an every other year thing so that we could have our own traditions with our kids.
My FI and I spend Christmas Eve with his family and Christmas morning with mine, then Christmas dinner just us. Reason for this is because my family has a Chrstimas morning tradition each year that has happened since I was a little girl and my FI family doesn't have anything big like that.
You could also switch off, Eve with his, morning with yours then the following year trade.
How do you guys handle Thanksgiving? Maybe mirror Christmas to that?