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Fed up with MIL...ugh
Long story short, my MIL dont like me and are very rude.
DH and I have been together for 10 years and married for 4. MIL have never made me feel welcome in their home and have never attempted to have a relationship of any kind with me. I finally just accepted that fact and moved on. We live 2 hours away from them and I recently found out that she had been coming to a Dr in our town once a week for some kind of therapy for the last 2 months and never mentioned it to DH or even stopped by to see him. It makes me so mad and obviously it hurts DH. Another thing, we invited IL's over for Christmas for dinner and gift exchanging along with my parents. My mom bought MIL a gift because she said she didnt feel right showing up and not having anytihng for everyone. MIL opened the gift, said she didnt like it and left it at our house. It really hurt my moms feelings. DH mentioned this morning wanting to have everyone over for Easter. I dont want to because of how MIL makes everyone else feel and I dont want people having to walk on egg shells around her but DH isnt backing down. He says that MIL dont mean anything by the stuff she says or does, its just how she is. Advice?
Re: Fed up with MIL...ugh
Paragraphs are your friends. Use them.
I don't actually think that you are ok with not having a relationship with your MIL, even though you say you are. If you were ok with this, then you wouldn't be upset about her not coming to visit you when she is in town.
Accept MIL for who she is and move on. Expecting anything else would be craziness. But at the same time, you have to remember that she IS your dh's mom. Even though she can be difficult, he still loves her and obviously wants her around. I would invite her to Easter dinner. If she shows any type of innappropriate behavior, either brush it off (if it is small) or ask her to leave (if it is big). And who knows, she may not even accept the invitation to come.
It's not required for in-laws and their kids/the kids' spouses to get along and be friends. Sometimes it just doesn't happen. Be polite to her when you see her, but realize that you'll never be buddies and stop trying to forge a relationship with her. Accept that fact and move on.
If she's in town for therapy, then maybe she's too worn out (emotionally, physically or both, depending on what kind of therapy she's getting) by the end of her session to visit you guys. Maybe she doesn't want to talk about whatever issue she has. And if she's so unpleasant to you guys, I don't really get why you'd WANT to see her whenever she's in town.
I 100% agree that she was incredibly rude to insult your mother regarding the gift. But some people are just nasty and have no manners. You unfortunately can't help that. Lesson learned - don't go out of your way to do something for her or get her a gift, unless you are absolutely O.K. with getting no appreciation (and maybe a few insults) in return.
If she's just an unpleasant person to be around and she's not really saying or doing anything that's directly mean or insulting, I would just invite her for the obligatory holidays/family gatherings and let that be it. Try your best to ignore her, don't say anything more than a polite Hello and Goodbye, don't attempt to be her friend or make conversation, and your husband can call her once a week or so just to check in and you don't have to be on the call. She may be a jerk but she's still his mom. Some people just have bad personalities.
However, if she's insulting you to your face, then you are absolutely within your rights to tell her to leave your home. And if your husband doesn't back you up on that, then you have a big problem if he can't put his wife before his Mommy when push comes to shove.
You can't possibly be surprised when a douchey person continues to act douchily.
As far as Easter goes? this is a dh problem, not an MIL problem. His mom gets to come over and act like an asss at your house with his permission? Please.
How many MILs do you have?
"my MIL dont like me", "MIL have never made me feel welcome", "MIL dont mean". Wrong verb use and super annoying - more than the other grammar errors in your post.
I don't know how you FM ladies can read and respond to these posts so seriously when they are so riddled with language a toddler would use.
74 books read in 2011
I think you have one of two choices here - either rotate holidays, in which your MIL "gets" a holiday "all to herself" where you don't have to worry about your mom putting up with her, or invite your MIL and have her share the holidays with your mom. Just because your mom is nice and fun and his mom is rude doesn't mean that your family gets every holiday and your H never sees his mom/parents on the holidays.
Yep, it stinks that she is rude and not that nice, but she isn't bad enough for you to insist that all holidays are with your parents/mom and "MIL-free." Even though she has no manners, she is still DH's mom. It's really ok that you and MIL aren't buddies. You married her son, that doesn't mean she has to be your bff.
It's perfectly ok for you to say "my mom really doesn't enjoy holidays with your mom. "That might just be how she is," but she ruins the occasion for my mom. Why don't we rotate - my family gets Easter this year, your family gets it next year?" (or, my famiy gets Easter, we'll invite your mom over for Memorial Day or Thanksgiving, etc.).
I do think your mom needs thicker skin. Yes, MIL was rude, but your mom was picking out a gift for someone she doesn't know - she can't be hurt if MIL didn't think it was the best gift ever. Also, now your mom should know that it is a wasted effort to buy something for MIL.
MIL = Mother In Law. That has been used as an abbreviation on theknot, even before there was a nest site.
There is a list of common abbreviations if you need to figure something out.
I was thisclose to saying something regarding the language in the OP.
Therapy can be a very private thing and if she chooses to go alone then go home alone, you should respect that. It has nothing to do with you. Besides, why would you want her to visit you if you don't have a good relationship? Here it sounds like you're looking for something to complain about.
As far as the gift goes, now you know how she is when she gets a gift. Accept it and don't expect more from her.
She may not mean anything by her behavior or words, but she is who she is. You can't change her behavior. You can only change how you react to her.
I don't know why you would want someone who is so rude to visit you more often. It's not like she would act any differently than she always does. Plus, she's not obligated to stop by every time she's in town- if she's driving two hours each way that frequently, she might want to just go to her appointment and then get back home quickly.
With that out of the way, your husband's reaction to your complaints is just unacceptable. If you were as rude to your MIL as she is to everyone else, I'm pretty sure he would have something to say about it. Nobody else gets a pass to be rude, so why should she? Tell your husband you will no longer subject your family to her inappropriate behavior. This might mean that you have to split the holidays sometimes, but a lot of families have to do that for a variety of reasons. It's not the end of the world. She continues to act the way she does because she hasn't experienced any consequences for it.
Come on, people. Not everyone is perfect at writing and grammer. No need to give her such a hard time about it. I'm sure there are all different types of educational levels on here, so no need to judge - we WANT people to feel comfortable posting so we can discuss.
OP - I don't have any real constructive advice for you, other than to not take it personally. I understand that you are upset that it hurts your husband, but there is nothing that you can do...and it's between DH and MIL. And not cool that your DH is okay with MIL coming over and making EVERYONE uncomfortable - especially you in your own home.
Agreed.
I think your DH needs to grow a pair and stop allowing her to enter your home knowing she disrespects you like she does. He needs to have a serious talk with her.
If things don't change, to me, this is easy. Your DH is free to have a perfectly happy relationship with his monster...er, I mean mother. At her house. If she's to enter your home for any reason (that includes holidays and other family gtg's), she needs to learn to be a polite and civil human being. Don't let her rudeness bring down everyone else. And no, that doesn't mean your DH leaves the gtg to go see her out of guilt or obligation. It's her fault she's not welcome and that will change when her attitude does.