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Sex advice...and TMI
So H and I have very different ideas about sex.
I don't want to do it very often. He wants to all the time.
He also wants to do things that I really, really don't want to do. He sent me an email with stuff he wanted for his birthday coming up this summer and it was things like a ball gag, a love lounger with some sort of anal device, etc.
I have no desire to do anal. We tried it once and I cried and cried. Then I was mad at him because he hurt me and I hated that. But he keeps suggesting it. I just don't get it, he would never wanted to be screwed in the bum, why would I? I just don't like it and I don't like the concept. I like it sometimes when he tries to stimulate that area while we're having sex but I don't want to actually have anal.
Ball gags? I personally have no interest in that at all.
So what do I do? Any advice? I would not consider myself a prude but he wants to do a lot of stuff I'm really not interested in and I'm afraid if I do them to try and make him happy, I'll be resentful of him.
Please help.
Re: Sex advice...and TMI
Seems like you two need to sit down and have a frank talk about your sex life.
If he knows you have no desire to do anal after trying it, that makes him a dovche for continuing to bring it up.
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I'd say if you're acting as though you enjoy that area being stimulated, he's getting the wrong idea and thinking you WANT to take that further. Make him stay away from it completely, lol. Make it an official no no zone.
As for other things, if you simply have no interest and it isn't necessarily that you hate it, maybe compromise on those. That way he doesn't feel as though you just completely ignore his needs.
Send him an email full of links to pegging and CFNM BDSM porn. Tell him you would LOVE to ball-gag him and set him up in the love lounger and watch him get drilled in the butt.
Seriously, you're husband sounds like a selfish as$hole who wants to use you like a fleshlight rather than share a pleasurable sex life.
I ditto this. There's something severely wrong with a guy who knowingly wants to use your body to do things you hate, that are painful for you. No wonder you don't want to have sex with him often - I wouldn't be keen on being used as a blow-up doll, either.
If you aren't comfortable with his wish list, tell him now. Sounds to me like you both also need to be on the same page communcation wise.
He shouldn't be pressuring you into doing anything you do not wish to partake in. As a pp pointed out, if he brings it up again, it's douchey.
Tell him you want to get a huge double dildo strap on and penetrate him with it. See how fast that takes the wind of of the Kinky King's sails.
You need to go to counseling together to discuss your different expectations about sex. I'm so sorry you're going through this, because I'm in your camp: I have no desire to do those things, and I would seriously resent the pressure. Honestly, this would be a deal-breaker for me.
If the two of you can't come to an understanding about mutually-pleasing sex, I'd call that irreconcilable differences. And I'd be out the door. So, so sorry
You guys need to sit down and talk this over.
And, I'm sorry, am I the only one that rolls my eyes over the fact that someone cries and cries during anal? Really? Mad because he hurt you? Really? It's an act that takes time and patience and can be uncomfortable until penetration is fully reached-he didn't hurt you on purpose.
I guess I'm the only one that's going to wonder if maybe the OP needs to consider opening her mind up a bit to exploring some things, even if just to find out it's not something she likes. Maybe he's being a pushy dovche. But so far it doesn't sound like he's gone off the deep end with mentioning what he likes in bed, either.
Hey, I get it. I'm just saying..is it POSSIBLE that the OP's DH isn't exactly TRYING to hurt her, or isn't hurting her knowingly? Was the OP screaming STOP and he didn't? Because that isn't what it sounded like to me.
I'll be the only one on the other side, wondering what the entire story is, that's ok. If the OP's DH forced her, then obviously I think he's a dovchebag. I'm just wondering if he is trying to approach the idea of maybe being a bit more adventurous and she is running around screaming like it's the end of the world. That's all. I'm not promoting dovchebaggery. I'm just wondering if there is more to the story, that's all.
I can agree with that. Did the OP state that he is trying to force her to do it again?
ETA: I reread the OP's post where she says he is asking over and over.
I get it. I just wonder, that's all. Sounds like clashing sexual personalities that should have been hashed out long before. Maybe he can't have a satisfying sex life without a bit more adventure, and she can't have it with the adventure. We wouldn't ask her to do anything she doesn't want to, so why would we ask someone else to not enjoy what is pleasurable to them? And I realize that this is coming out completely sh!tty, so obviously better wording could be used here. I am NOT saying the OP should be forced to do anything she doesn't want to. Is it possible that this is an area of their life that they will never reach a compromise on though? It seems to be two very opposite extremes.
It's the anal device part.
It sounds like he has something he wants to explore. Is it possible there is a happy medium for them? I'm not sure what that would be though.
And for the record, OP, just because you don't like anal sex doesn't mean nobody does. So your whole "if I don't like it, why would he?!" doesn't exactly apply. Maybe he would like to find out that he doesn't like it. Or maybe he has tried it and does like it. Who knows.
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Yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaah, no. Not even a little.
I think he's being a complete and total asshat for repeatedly asking you to do something that you don't want to do. You tried it, it wasn't your cup of tea and that's really all he can ask for. He needs to accept that and move on.
However, the way to make it known is for frank and open discussion. If you find that you can't get it out verbally, write it down. I've done this with my DH on occasion, for things related and not related to our sex life. It worked.
Is there anything you'd like to try? Sharing that might help you both open up a little more too.
I'm sorry you're dealing with that OP. It's bs.
A big WTF toward the people suggesting the problem is the OP's and her lack of openness.
Yeah, I'm guessing you waited until you were married to have sex.
I wouldn't want to stay married to someone who I was sexually incompatible with. Then again, I make sure that we were sexually compatible to begin with, before getting married.
Your H is an inconsiderate assbag.
And even if you simply do not care for anal sex, he should indeed realize the subject is closed and it is moot and null. He is not to pursue it again.
Why can't this guy get it that no is no?
This makes me sad. I'm totally with you on the counseling suggestion. Great idea, and there's lots of books on the subject as well if they'd like to start smaller.
However, jumping straight to "irreconcilable differences" and leaving because there's some sex issues, leaves me wondering, did the part in your vows where you said "for better or for worse" mean anything?
Sex is hugely important, no doubt. So talk it through! Be completely honest about wants/needs/desires and be willing to listen to his and then find ways to compromise. If he absolutely refuses to listen to what she wants and he's physically forcing her into sexual acts that are causing her harm, (which is not the impression I got) then yes, maybe something a little more drastic is needed. But why even bother getting married and making vows if you're planning on heading out the door as soon as there's a hiccup?
I didn't suggest that she jump directly to irreconcilable differences. I said they should go to counseling and try to work it out. But if they can't have a loving sex life that satisfies them both, that void will spill over to every aspect of their relationship: resentment, hurt feelings, anger, frustration, lack of respect, damaged self-esteem, etc. What kind of marriage is that?
Just talk to him. You both need to be satisfied, which means compromise. When it comes down to it though... it's your body. He should respect it, not use it as his own personal amusement park.
I may get flamed but here goes...... tell him what you expect and he should love you and respect you enough to stop asking you to do crazy things. I let my husband try anal once and he loved it and kept harrassing me for it again. I told him numerous times it hurt and I didn't like it..... did that stop him from begging nope but I just kept on saying no. I hate anal , its painful and I don't get one thing from it, but every now and then at least once a year I will let him and hes happy and we can move on to other things.
What you do need to realize is that what your not willing to do for your man someone else is willing and ready to.
What a jerk for asking you to have anal sex when he knows it hurts... I personally cant stand it and after the first couple of times told him sorry but I hate it. He has never brought it up again.
I do think you should be a bit more open to trying new things though... I was a virgin when I married and never thought I would be comfortable with oral and some things but now I love it! It never hurts to at least try what he asks you too unless its something extremly perverted like I would never watch porn with my hubby or anything like that. If I never wanted to try anything that my hubby wanted to I think he would feel like I didnt care about his needs or wants.
You have GOT to be kidding me! And this should be a determining factor in her decision making? I think that thought process is lacking quite a bit of self respect.
And I'm sorry, but the fact that your husband is willing to do something that he knows physically hurts you and gives you NO physical pleasure & he enjoys doing it anyway is extremely f'd up. I'm not saying that people shouldn't compromise and meet half way to meet eachothers needs...but the compromise shouldn't be "I'll do something I hate that is painful just so he can get his & shut the f up & stop throwing a tantrum like a 5yr old."
I agree that but sex is a no no. It's not natural and I would be terrified of doing that. I give you kudos though for trying it once. My suggestion to deal with his request is to tell him that you won't talk about anal again until he lets you stick a dildo up his rear end. It should be equal opportunity right? lol. He'll most likely say no but he might get your point.
You tried it once and you need to very firmly tell him that you don't ever ever want to do that again. A man that loves you will respect that. As for other fantasy stuff, why don't you suggest milder versions. Like instead of a ball gag maybe fuzzy hand cuffs? The bottom line is that you need to be clear about what make you uncomfortable and what compromises you are willing to make in the bedroom. If he can't respect you then that's a problem and you might want to talk to a marriage councilor.
What's perverted to you might not be to others. I think watching a porno together is a lot tamer than anal and ball gags.