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Best Friend vs. Mom
Hello all. So pretty much my friend and I have been besties since the 4th grade. We've been through everything together all the way up to seeing her being sworn into the Army, being her MOH at her wedding, and being named godmother to her baby she just had.
My mom treated her like a daughter, was there when my friend's SM was abusive etc etc.
So, on the day of my wedding, we have to leave for the church but we're missing my friend. She showed up 45 minutes late and ran into the house. She was completely unprepared as well. My mom started yelling at her about how she was late and my friend was trying to explain what happened. (Apparently her H's mom took their car to go grocery shopping and didn't bother to tell anyone?) My mom throws the dress at her and tells her to get dressed. Then we're getting ready to leave and my friend says "I'm riding with my H. I need to compose myself." My mom called her a spoiled brat and how this wasn't "her day" etc etc. all in front of a group of people.
Now needless to say, the strife has hurt our relationship. My friend won't talk to my mom any more and my mom couldn't care less. My mom didn't make thing any better when she talked about it to all the wedding guests.
I guess I'm bitter at the both of them because after everything my mom has done for her for over 15 years and my friend just calls it quits over one incident. Apparently if my mom is in my house, she won't come over. I'm bitter at my mom for making a situation disasterous with her behavior toward my friend and then gossiping about it to all our guests.
Can anything be done to resolve this once and for all?
Re: Best Friend vs. Mom
Based on your story, I find your mothers behavior horrendous and yea, I think that would make me 'call it quits' too. she threw the dress at your friend? Yelled at her in front of other people? This is bordering on abuse in my book, and for your mom once "treating her like a daughter" and then turning around and acting probably very much like what her SM acted like.... wow, I can't imagine how hurt your friend must be.
And then your mom gossiped about it? This doesn't sound very caring or motherly on your moms part.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This I find interesting because your mother was being just as inconsiderate to "other" people if not more than your best friend.
Your mom needs to get over herself. But I don't think you can force her to do it...
I would stay out of it. And if she says anything negative about your friend to you or around you... I would ask her to stop or you will leave.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
Is your friend normally like this? I can actually see a mother being angry at a "friend" who shows up 45 minutes late to her daughter's wedding. From your story, it seems like your friend didn't even phone you to say there was a problem.
If I showed up at someone's house that late on the day of their wedding, I would understand the MOB being angry with me. It really does sound like your friend made your wedding all about her.
Your mom's behavior was completely heinous. It sounds like your friend was late due to circumstances beyond her control, not because she was being inconsiderate. Even if she was just being rude, the way your mom handled it was inappropriate.
On top of that, your mom has said she would be willing to talk about the situation, not that she wants to apologize. I'm getting the impression that she would use any discussion about what happened as an opportunity to further berate your friend without admitting any wrongdoing on her part. It just doesn't sound like she would be addressing what happened in good faith.
I know it's painful that your wedding day memories are marred by such negativity, but I think your mom is 100% to blame. She doesn't have the right to treat your friend that way, no matter how much she's done for her in the past.
Your friend was rude and inconsiderate.
That being said, your mom was WAY out of line. She needs to get overherself and apologize. I wouldn't want to be around someone who treated me that way, either.
You should not be annoyed at your friend over her reaction to this. I wouldn't want to be around someone who talked to me or treated me the way your mom treated her.
The bottom line is that your mom was completely wrong and either doesn't feel about your friend the way you thought she did, or had some bug stuck up her a$$ that day. Either way, you don't treat anyone that way. Her reaction was way too over the top for the action. If she was late, I could see her being upset, but she shouldn't have said anything. It was between you and your friend.
Your mom should apologize to your friend. Your friend shouldn't complain to you about your mom (she is your mom after all) but you need to let your friend deal with this the way she pleases and take yourself out of the middle.
You should tell your friend that you know your mom was wrong, you don't know why she acted that way and that you are sorry for the way she acted and embarrassed about her behavior, and that you don't want it to affect your friendship. If YOU are upset that she was 45 minutes late, then address that, but make it separate from the issue with your mom.
It was the OPs wedding, not the friend's.
Yeah, I realized that and went back and edited my post.
I guess I'm the only one who thinks the friend was rude and way out of line? If I were late to someone's wedding, I would be begging and groveling forgiveness, not asking to ride separately "so that I could compose myself." She sounds like a prima-donna, and I'm wondering if your mom has seen that before in your relationship, where you have been there for friend, and she has not been there for you? I don't blame your mom for not trusting her to arrive on time if her H was driving. I can actually see her running into the church late "because we got lost...."
However, your mom was rude as well. A wedding is no time to berate one of the bridesmaids, even if she did f**k up in a major way.
This doesn't need to affect (hope I used the right letter!) you in any way. Your mom and bff don't need to be friends. Don't put yourself in the middle.
If your friend refuses to go to your house, or to your own major events (child's christening, etc.), because your mom is there, after all you have been through for HER, I have a feeling that your mom "sees" a different person in your friend than you do.
I think both parties were really wrong in this situation. Your friend should have called as soon as she realized the car was missing - either so you would at least know or so you could send someone to get her. She also should have ridden with the bridal party if that was the plan. Her behavior was rude and selfish.
I completely understand why your mom would have been angry, but she handled it terribly. It was completely wrong of her to yell at your friend, especially in front of other people.
In the end, you absolutely don't need to let this affect you. If your friend chooses not to come to events where your mom is, that's her issue. Do not try to insert yourself in their issue.
I do have to ask though - did your friend beg your forgivness about her tardiness on your wedding day?
Well, it was rude to show up 45 minutes late, but that in no way excuses the way your mom handled it. She behaved horribly, and she owes your friend an apology.
This. What your friend did to you on your wedding day was really schitty. BUT....your mom took the anger a little too much to the extreme. She had every right to be mad, but throwing the dress at her and running her mouth about it to all the guests was way over the top and childish. I think I'd be pi$$ed at both of them.
I wonder if your mom has seen inconsiderate behavior on the part of your friend toward you/others...it definitely sounds like it. If so, she was right to speak up in your defense but the fact that she made such a scene and continued to talk about it with your wedding guests (dragging the scene on throughout the day) really seems like she was acting like it was "her day". Someone needs to tell her that she's guilty of exactly what she was accusing your friend of doing.
My guess from both their reactions is that neither your friend's actions nor your mom's actions were truly a "one time thing"- more like a culmination of personality traits that have always been there. If someone who was typically prompt and considerate and always phoned if they'd be late in an emergency was 45 minutes late to her best friend's wedding with no phone call, the people closest to her would be worried sick (and the excuse would be much better than she couldn't find the car- seriously, she couldn't phone you?) So my belief is that yes, your best friend does have some long-standing traits of being late, or inconsiderate of other people's time, or considering her circumstances more important than others'.
On the other hand- I've seen perfectly lovely people lose their marbles a little bit on day's like their daughter's wedding, their 50th anniversary, a funeral, etc. However, those people are always incredibly apologetic once the stress is over, and the people around them see it as so out of character they immediately realized it was stress. So my guess, given from how your mother acted (complete with gossiping about it) and her unwillingness to apologize ("willing to discuss it"= "willing to reiterate why I had my perfectly justifiable reasons and the other person is still wrong.") is that this is also pretty in character for it, and I don't blame your friend for not wanting to be around it.
I think it's fair for you to be irritated with both of them.
- did your friend beg your forgivness about her tardiness on your wedding day?
Nope. The kicker was was that I didn't care. The wedding wasn't going to start without me obviously and there was no time limit either so I wasn't upset. I did try calling her when she hit the 20 minute mark but she didn't answer and no she didn't call me at all during this time.
I talked to my friend about it recently and she said she didn't want anything to do with my mom and I said "ok then". It's her decision and I'm sticking by her.
She hasn't flaked out on me that I can recall. When she was stationed in Korea with her husband, his family went and planned the whole wedding for them here in the U.S. So much hard work and when she saw the layout, she was upset that it wasn't like her idea. So yeah she has some drama issues but it's very rare. You just notice it on the "big days".
I was embarrassed for my mom that day because every little thing equaled a big reaction from her. Some things were due to their inability to understand directions and she had a right to be upset. She goes overboard sometimes. She doesn't like confrontations, like me, so when we're upset, we go overboard with our reactions, but regardless it was still embarrassing.
That's the interesting thing. I had guests talk to me and they thought that my mom acted like it was HER day. She apparently went on and on about how she created this, where she got that, how much in costs we saved, etc etc.
Pray tell, where can you find where I said I was ok with my mom's behavior? Was it because I didn't cut her out of my life?
Moron.
Your best friend behaved terribly; and your mother cut her no slack. They both were really rude to make your wedding day all about their fight; and I'd be really pissed at both of them.
Well, you're not telling your mom that she can't be invited to parties where your friend is until she apologizes, are you? And you're angry with your friend for not wanting to be around your controlling, jerkwad mother.
Yeah, how stupid of me to think that you're tacitly okaying her behavior.
She didn't care that she was late on your wedding day, and you didn't care that you would be making guests wait a long time. Sounds like the two of you are best friends for a reason.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I find it extremely hilarious how at one minute you all can bash the bride for freaking out if they/groom are late because "the ceremony's not going to start without you"
and then turn around a bash a bride who didn't care about the time (we still had a good 40 minutes to get to a church 5 minutes away). lol.
And how is this affect the guests? Not at all since we had the time.
"Nothing can start w/o me so it doesn't matter".... NICE!
Hmm where did I say nothing? I could've sworn I said wedding. And I don't have that personality either. I'm always 10 minutes early for everything else. What would have been the point of getting pissed if it wasn't going to solve anything and nothing could be done? We tried getting a hold of her, we debated leaving without her.
"I talked to my friend about it recently and she said she didn't want anything to do with my mom and I said "ok then". It's her decision and I'm sticking by her."
Yeah, I still stand by my moron remark.
huh? I am lost as to your first paragraph.
And it does effect the guests. They have to sit there an wait. Many get there at least 20 minutes early so they are seated an out of the way (the polite thing to do) so if the bride is another 20 minutes late, it means they sat there for 40 minutes just waiting.
Its just how your sentence came off....like you didn't give a crap if your guests had to wait because it was all about you. If that is not how you intended it, then so be it. but I can see why others were fired up.
But back to your original point: Talk to both of them. Your mom IMO is much more in the wrong though. She needs to grow up and apologize.