Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
In-Law Troubles
Quick background: Fiance is an only child, with no ties whatsoever with his dad. He has never met him, which drives me crazy (especially because this man lives less than a mile from my parents house, literally 2 houses down from my BFF/MOH). But that is a different story for a different day. His mom is the most controlling woman I have ever met in my entire life.
Examples:
- I am interning in Washington D.C. as a requirement for my undergrad (No internship=no diploma), So since my FI's birthday is the week before Christmas (and his mom throws a fit when anyone combines his birthday and Christmas, which is kind of crazy because he is 21 years old, and he has everything he could ever need) I got him a plane ticket for his birthday and a new iPod for Christmas. We live in Northern Ohio, and there is 2 main airports in our area, Cleveland and Columbus we are about an hour and a half from each. However FI goes to school in Bowling Green, which is an hour and a half from home, plus an hour and a half to the airport. So Dayton airport is 2 hours, and I figured he could just drive himself there so save him an hour. Well, his mom wouldn't let him leave his car there, so she insisted she drive him to the airport. It is a good 2 and a half to 3 hour drive from our town to Dayton. His mom called my mom and was very rude to her about my "present" to him. She informed my mom that the next time someone wanted to do something like this for him that we needed to consult her before.
- My parents are paying for our wedding in full. My FI and I are paying for the honeymoon ourselves. His mom made a comment that if we wanted alcohol we would have to pay for it ourselves, that she has no money to contribute to this wedding. (She does however, have the money to buy his 3 younger cousins HUNDREDS of dollars in clothing and toys every time they go shopping, which is around twice a month.) Which is what it is, whatever.I'll pick up a second job this summer so that I can pay for the alcohol since that is an extra burden that I do not want my parents to have to pick up. The thing that is bothering me about this whole issue is that she wants every detail of the wedding to be ran by her before it is confirmed.
Re: In-Law Troubles
Repeat after me:
No Pay, No Say
Run THAT by your MIL.
It's none of your business if your FI chooses not to have contact with his father. Honor his wishes and keep your mouth shut.
Unless your FMIL is holding a gun to your FI's head, she cannot "let" him drive his own car to the airport or not. Your FI is a grown man and can do what he wishes.
Does your FI live with his mom? (And do also live there with them? Or do you live with your own parents, or in a dorm/your own apartment?) If the problem is that he/you still lives at home with Mommy, then he/you need to move out ASAP. If he wants to be treated like an adult then he needs to act like one - which means supporting himself and not letting Mommy call the shots.
If his mother's not paying for the wedding, then she gets zero say in how it's planned. You do not have to run any plans by her, you do not need to inform her of your budget, and you do not need to get her approval to have alcohol. She can either show up and keep her mouth shut and enjoy it, or she can stay the hell home. End of story.
If the problem here is that your FI does whatever Mommy tells him to do (whether it's out of guilt, fear or just a desire to keep her happy and quiet), then you need to resolve this issue before you worry about weddings or holidays. Because he's basically telling her that he'll do whatever she says, and that Mama's Boy setup is going to carry over to YOU whether you like it or not. So nip this in the bud NOW, or your entire marriage will be spent under Mommy's ever-present thumb.
Her justification for driving him to the airport was that she bought his car and she didn't want to have to pay for repairs to it if anything happened to it in the week it was at the airport. (Also, I think she just wanted to drive it while he was gone because his car is nicer than hers)
Right now he lives at school in his own apartment, and right now I live in D.C., but when I move home in May I will be living with my own parents until we get married, and he is moving back in with his mom this fall because his student teaching location is closer to home than his school, and we are trying to save money for a down payment on a house or an apartment after the wedding.
He does not get along with her very well either, and the reason he has no contact with his dad is because his mother is very bitter about him leaving her when she got pregnant with my FI. And she constantly rubs my FI's face in the fact that she basically gave up her entire life to raise my FI. For example. my FI has her last name, and when she gets mad at him she calls him by his dad's last name, which is kind of a low blow, especially when he and his dad are identical(or so I have heard). She has threatened to cut him off completely if he contacts his dad, which is also kind of shitty. He is 21 years old! Let him make his own decisions, and decide for himself if he wants to have a relationship with his dad.
I agree with no pay, no say.
However, your fi is allowing her to control his life, as well as allowing her to attempt to control yours. Postpone the wedding until you have entered premarital counseling and your fiance has shown marked improvment in how he handles his mother. This will NOT just get better after you are married, in fact it will get far worse. Your marriage has no chance of surviving if you can't get this fixed before you walk down the aisle.
My ILs did not pay for our wedding, and I would never think of not sharing details with them just b/c they were not paying. I even offered to take MIL dress shopping with me (she wanted a surprise). We even talked to them about the guest list, and if it was important for them to invite all of their family, we would have adjusted for that (ie: have more people at a less expensive venue).
However, they are wonderful people and did not make any DEMANDS. They would never dream of doing anything like that.
You have a problem with your FI. He is an adult, but he is allowing her to treat him (and you) like a child. I do not think he is mature enough to get married, if his mom can call people over his head and start making demands.
Can you stand up to your MIL on your own? I would tell her that your parents and you are planning the wedding, and unfortunately, she had a son, not a daughter, so she really doesn't get to make decisions. It is your and fi's day, not your parents, and not hers. She does get to pick out the mother-son song!
That is not really how I feel about weddings (I think they are a family celebration and of course I would ask both sides how they feel), but that's how I would handle your situation.
Oh she is not having a say in this wedding. Especially after all of the rude things she has said to me concerning my life choices.
I really feel like if she would just get a boyfriend or find a hobby she would stop picking at me. She had a boyfriend for about 2 months last year during football season, and it was the best 2 months ever!!! She wasn't constantly calling him or texting him, but after she broke up with him, I overheard her tell one of her sisters that if she couldn't be happy no body could be happy.
We have a little over a year before the wedding, and I intend on taking care of this little issue when I get home in May.
I just wanted to make sure I wasn't completely over-reacting about this whole thing before I brought it up with her.
Thanks everyone!
I don't think your FI should move in with his mom while he student teaches. I don't think the savings is worth it. Your FI needs to stand on his own two feet before you get married.
His relationship with his dad is his choice - not his mom's and not yours.
Your FMIL isn't going to stop picking on you, or treating her son this way, if she gets a boyfriend or a hobby. If she's willing to treat her own son like dirt in order to manipulate him into doing what she wants him to do, then she's just a mean, spiteful, selfish woman. And nothing is going to change that.
You need to talk to your FI about this ASAP. He can't keep bending over backward to try and earn the love of a mean woman who's just not going to give him the kind of love and approval he wants. Because it's just going to make her bark out more orders to him (because she will see that he'll do whatever she wants because he so desperately wants to earn her approval), and it's going to make your married life together a living hell. She's not going to magically become sweet and supportive if your FI does everything she asks of him.
I would encourage your FI to go talk to someone about this. Or, if nothing else, he should NOT move back home while he student-teaches. I'm telling you from personal experience, it is not worth it to endure an unpleasant situation just to save a few bucks, and you will regret it down the line. Happiness and sanity are worth FAR more than the money he would save. Money is just money, in the end, and you can always rebuild your savings. It involves MUCH more effort and hurt feelings to rebuild your self-esteem and your happiness.
+1
You need to get this sh!t resolved BEFORE you get married.
She inserted herself into her adult child's travel plans because she wanted to.
It's a little sad.
And if your FI can't pay for damage to his car when its parked in airport parking for a week, without dipping into mommy's pocket - he shouldn't be getting married.
That's not a dig. He should wait a few years. He's only 21, he's got time.
Clear your head for a minute of your FI, his mom, her actions towards you and him, etc. Put yourself- fully- in his shoes. Imagine your life with a mom who manipulates you, throws fits over how to celebrate your birthday or travel, threatens to cut you off if you contact your father, etc. This is all stuff you've grown up with, has always bothered you but that has more or less been your "normal" for your entire life. Imagine disentangling yourself from that to the degree that you are happy, you have it within yourself to maintain firm boundaries, you can keep those boundaries up so that her antics aren't affecting your future spouse or future in-laws. Imagine how much work that's going to be.
He's not there yet. He's not at the point where he's effectively disentangled himself, to the point where he can say, "No thanks, Mom, I will be driving myself to the airport," or "Mom, please don't get upset with people who combine my Christmas and birthday presents- it doesn't bother me, but it does bother me that you get so upset about it on my behalf." or "Mom, Coker does not have to run travel plans we make by you, and it was out of line for you to speak to your parents about it. You took it upon yourself to decide you wanted to drive me to the airport." or "No thanks, Mom- I'm going to find other housing while I do my student teaching." These are all things he needs to be able to say, by himself, without anyone else pointing it out to him or guiding him or encouraging him to see the light. He's not there yet- and that's okay. She's very manipulative, he's a young adult, this kind of disentangling takes time.
From your end- yes, definitely postpone the wedding. Your marriage will be happier and healthier and your lives will be infinitely easier if you wait to marry until he's arrived to that place where he's handling his mother on his own. There are lots of women who frequent this board who are very unhappy because they married a guy who wasn't there yet, and they've always been in the place of trying to help their husband see what his mother is doing and why it's wrong and what boundaries need to be set. Don't sign up for that.
But, but, but... he's 21, for God's sake! That means he's a grown man!
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I find it interesting that you understand that she's not entitled to any involvement in your wedding planning because she isn't contributing financially, but you're upset with her for being controlling over a car that she paid for. That is not your fiance's car, it's his mom's car that she lets him use. If that's causing this much trouble, he definitely needs to wait until he's an adult who can afford his own basic living expenses to get married. Furthermore, if I were you I wouldn't feel comfortable marrying him until he develops a backbone. If he doesn't, his mom's controlling behavior will just keep getting worse.
Agree 100%!!!!
as someone with difficult MIL I speak from experience -- take care of this now!!
Agree 100%!!!!
as someone with difficult MIL I speak from experience -- take care of this now!!
EXACTLY!!!
If your H does not stop this controlling MIL now, she will cause MANY problems in your marriage. You two need to get on the same page now before you marry and end up miserable and then divorced. If he wont stand up to her now, he never will. Men DO NOT CHANGE after marriage so dont think for a second they do. MIL is only as controlling as he allows her to be.
I have a MIL that is God awful. And I mean REALLY REALLY AWFUL. She would control every aspect of our life if we let her. This was a huge problem for me and caused us to break up after engagement. H and I went to counseling, H stood up to mommy dearest, put a stop to her behavior and things have gone great since. Sure she still occasionally tests him and tries to pull sh!t but he always puts his foot down. Get it worked out before the wedding or dont marry...