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IN-LAW VENT
My inlaws are the most UNSOCIALABLE people that I have ever met. This has always been an issue since my husband and I started dating, but over the weekend it really set me off. My husbands birthday was on Saturday, so Sunday I had cake, ice cream, and appetizers for his birthday with both families.
My family was the first ones there and we were all standing in our kitchen talking and having a glass of wine, my MIL walked in our kitchen, and walked straight through to our living room without evening saying hello to anyone (his entire family eventually sat in the living room and never moved). I walked into the livivng room to annouce that all of the food was ready, and for everyone to come eat. Not one of his family (father, mother, or grandma) even got up to come eat. I spent the entire day cleaning and cooking, and no one had enough respect to even see what I made.
Then, I was in the kitchen putting the extra food away and his grandma walks out and goes that is my container and I need it back (a plastic ziplock container)! They all left without evening saying a word to me or anything. I was furious after everyone left last night. I dont understand how some people can be so unsocialable and so rude!
Re: IN-LAW VENT
Is this the whole story or are they angry about something?
I would consider it rude as well but if they were always this way, don't expect them to change. You can either to accept them as they are or not.
"Bad news" first - maybe they weren't hungry. Saying that they should have show "respect" by coming to look at what you made sounds kind of silly.
Anyhow, past that, if you know how they are, it really will help you immeasureably to start working with it instead of against it. The less you expect from them, the less they can upset you.
My IL's are always late. As in at least an hour. It annoys the crap out of DH and I. I won't say the annoyance doesn't totally go away, but we contend w/ it as best we can. We don't go out to eat w/ them anymore, for example. We only plan events w/ them where it doesn't matter if they are late. When they complain about not seeing DS more, I just think to myself "if you showed up on time, you'd get more time w/ him. So, your loss, not mine.".
Again, the annoyance doesn't ever totally go away, but the full on frustration and anger isn't as much a part of it as it once was. I KNOW they will be late, so I expect it and plan on it. And I focus on other things that I enjoy. If we're having both families over, for example, I turn my focus to my family and my son and I enjoy myself. They show up late and we literally sit down to eat and they get no play time w/ DS? Oh well, once again, that is THEIR loss. I've enjoyed the past hour.
And if working w/ "how" they are means you don't invite them over very often, then so be it. It doesn't have to be a stated thing w/ them, but the way I approach things now is that my IL's are suffering the consequences of their actions. They may not quite realize it, but *I* realize it, and that's really all I need.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It IS rude, you're right, but unfortunately they're never going to change. So you can either stew about it all the time, or accept it and try your best to ignore their behavior.
Don't invite them to things unless you absolutely have to, and in that case don't pay them any attention. Don't attempt to talk to them beyond a polite "Hello," don't expect any help cleaning up, and if they bring a dish then I would transfer it into your own Tupperware right away so they can just take it and leave when they've had enough.
Sometimes people act like that just because they're obnoxious and don't want to bother socializing or being dug out of their comfy little rut. Other times, people act like that because they love having family members beg them to talk or be social, or they love having the hosts go out of their way to accommodate them ... don't give them that satisfaction. If they want to sit around and sulk, let them. Their loss.
They sound angry and hostile to me.
Were they?
Out of curiosity did you engage in any communication with them aside from telling them the food was ready?
I just don't think this is the whole story here... I am not trying to be mean.... or anything... but maybe they didn't feel comfortable in your house.
I mean I have been through a similar situation. My Aunt invites my mom and her brother over every year for a holiday.... and everyone knows that my aunt and her brother don't really get along. He comes but doesn't make a big fuss or anything.... but He does act anti social because he knows that though he was invited... they only did it because he was family. Then when he is quite... they b!tch about how he didn't interact with anyone. I find it really annoying.
To me it sounds like you spent all the time in the kitchen with your family and did not try to engage with his family at all. Now that is just what I get out of this... that is why I think there is more to the story here.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
I obviously can't speak for OP, but I don't think it's very far-fetched that some people are just anti-social and rude. There really may not be more to the story here other than the in-laws just being jerks.
I've known several people who come along to family events (sometimes just pissed off from the get-go that they had to leave their comfy couch at home to *gasp* see their family), and then just sit there and pout the whole time and don't talk to anyone. Everyone else can be sweet as pie to them and they still have sticks up their _asses because they're someplace they just don't want to be.
I actually think it's really normal for both families to get together for either birthdays (he is part of the family and it's not unusual to treat him like it)
Questions questions questions:
-Did you try to engage them in conversation? Ask them questions and so on?
-What does your husband think of his family? Does he think that their quietness is normal, or is there a bitterness? do they not like you or is this them being shy?
-Have they always been like this too you?
I have the opposite problem, my family acts like his and my in-laws are amazing. Sorry deary
(
dont invite them next time. you know how they are.
what does DH say about it?
1/ of course I try to engage in conversation but they give one word answers.
2/ He is embarrassed by the way his family acts. I'll be honest, no his dad does not like me. I am a strong independant woman and his dad feels that a womens place is at home cleaning and cooking. He disagress with our lifestyle because we dont choose to go to church every sunday, and he disagrees that we dont have kids already being married for 5 years. He is a strict catholic and lives by those rules, which we dont. He once told my husband that I need to learn my place in the household and remember my husband is the king of his castle.
3/ for the most part his mom and i get along fine....but she just isnt socialable!
I don't understand why you appear to be so shocked by their behavior. Clearly this is the norm from them. Stop expecting them to act normal.
And if they aren't pleasant to be around, and your husband doesn't care to be around them either, then stop inviting them over.
If he's fine w/ it, then do it. As I think many of us have said, at some point you have to start working w/ who they arey. They are unsociable. After 9 years, what are you expecting to suddenly be different?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
In this case, I would just stop putting myself out there quite so much. Be nice since it sounds like for the most part they are their own worst enemy, not learning social norms must suck but it doesn't mean you have to play into it. I wouldn't invite them as often.
I hope too though that the dad doesn't often treat you poorly because of this and hope that your husband stands up for you when he does (which it sounds like her would for the most part). I think it's important for your inlaws (especially fil) to know though that 'this is how you live your lives as husband and wife and that he has no say in that.
how any of that has to do with being a strict catholic is beyond me. what was your Dh's response to all of this nonsense?
and quite frankly if the're like this i dont know why 1) you keep inviting them and 2) you seem to htink that they'll change.
I have to tell you, your in-laws sound like mine.
First, it is rude to come to ANYONE'S house for a function and not socialize with the host, or other guests. Further, it is rude to come to someone's home and not partake in at least a beverage (even if you ate prior to going) - its just good manners.
Second, if that was me - that would be the last time I invited them EVER.
My in-laws (MIL, SIL, significant others, nieces/nephews..) tried that crap at my home once. I cooked for 30 people on Thanksgiving. They strolled in over 1.5 hour late, ONLY spoke to each other. The husband and I attempted to make conversation with them, and the rest of the family that came with no success. When food came out, his mother said "Oh no, we only eat stuffing out of the box, we dont eat cranberry sauce thats not from a can..." - and they made faces while eating and promptly left.
DH did rip them a new one, but one thing I learned from that is that while I cant change how others behave, you better believe I can change who I invite to my home. They are no longer welcome, and have never been back. And its not an unspoken thing, they have been informed of same.
Good luck to you...
Check us out
I have never in my life heard that it is rude to go to someone's house and not eat or drink - - or even "see what the host has made." If they come to your house, that doesn't mean they are required to show any interest in your food! They didn't complain about the food (which would have been bad manners), they just didn't eat it. So what?
I think you are over-reacting to this part of your complaint. So you spent the whole day cooking - - that doesn't mean your ILS are required to eat. I'm sure you didn't only clean for your ILS, either. Your resentment is misplaced, and makes me think you are a drama-queen. In fact, you are the rude one for expecting them to eat, or to get up and view the meal you prepared.
If it's true that they came to your house and didn't say a word to you or dh (the hosts), that part is pretty rude. However, you KNOW they are like this - - why do you let it bother you? Stop wasting your energy expecting them to change. They won't. So stop inviting them to anything but the bare minimum functions (your dh's birthday being one of the minimum events, imo). Don't invite them to your birthday.
That sounds awful, but be careful what you wish for! My in-laws show up 30 min to an hour EARLY for everything, sit on the couch and awkwardly twiddle their thumbs while I finish cooking dinner. Once, they showed up at DH's Aunt's house for dinner an hour early, and my MIL went straight for their thermostat and changed the temperature-- in her SIL's house... while SIL was in the shower getting ready. lol. My in-laws also make underhanded judgements about my food/decorating and my MIL shows up with "gifts" (utter CRAP she bought from sky mall-like catalogs) that I then am obligated to put out in my apartment. So yours aren't social enough, mine are too social. Grass is always greener.